Nightmares

At times, I feel like I'm attempting to race the wind.

I feel so silly to think that I even have a chance.

At times I feel like I can conquer the sun
Like if it were something anybody could claim.
Instead of getting used to these uncertainties that always seem to come my way
I still struggle and drown myself in idiotic hopes.
At times I still question the things I say and do,
wondering if I somehow messed it all up again.
Those nightmares are returning and are even worse than they were before
It's my fault for inviting them in with these pessimistic thoughts.
I know it's a dream and I scream for someone to wake me up and no one is there.  It's painful.
At times I think I really am strong enough and special enough to win in this,
and then I remember that there is no battle, there is already a king.
At times I just fly away in wishful thinking
I wonder if my time has finally come, while smiling innocently
To only realize a few hours later what dreams are made of.
At times I just wish things made clear sense,
that I didn't have to fight my way around my hopes
that things were just the way they should be
that I felt completely at ease
that there was no concerns, no arguments
that life was simpler
that we were closer
that there was nobody else
that things were right.
At times I hate the feeling of deja vu.
Knowing that years can go by and I'm still fighting the same demons.
It's like I can't even fight anymore, because I see them mocking me.
I feel no strength at all... just like in my nightmares.
They find humor in me because I never learned and apparently I never will.
 I never even got close to winning.
Where does the cycle end?  Will I stop searching?  Will i stop fighting and give in?
Will they feel some sort of guilt and go away, leave me alone?  No... that's not the way this works.
I think it's up to me... to either give in and deal with what has hurt me the most and made me who I am: weak.  Or walk away and understand that it's still not my time, or that perhaps my time will never come.  I don't really know.
I feel numb.  This is way too familiar and my ability to defend (or even protect) myself appears to be nonexistent.  Oh well

On Verbal Abuse

About seven years ago I was advised to read a book which literally changed my life.  The name of the book isAbuso Verbal(The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Susan Forward).  It taught me not only how to identify and respond to this type of abuse, but also how to deal with and how to end it.  It seems like as a society, we are aware and against physical repression (violence, sexual harassment, etc.), but we are not as aware of the psychological repression which occurs far more frequently (verbal and emotional abuse).

TYPES OF VERBAL ABUSE

The book explains how verbal abuse is disguised in other types of indirect repression. Verbal Abuse goes far beyond a direct insult or explosive episodes of rage (aggression).  Glacial indifference, sarcasm, mockery, destructive criticism, arrogance, coldness, devaluing and rejection are all types of verbal abuse.
I wanted to write about this today because I have been verbally attacked recently by individuals who -due to their insecurities- react abusively (sometimes aggressively) when facing rejection.  I won't go into detail about specific situations, I just hope to bring awareness so that victims can understand that we don't need to be called a "whore" to realize we're being verbally abused.
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ON DIRECT VERBAL ABUSE

I do not claim to be an expert on the topic, so I suggest you do your own research.  If you are directly being insulted and attacked, just remember that defending yourself is validating the insults.  Ignoring and walking away from a violent situation is sometimes the best option.  Other people's opinions of us should not become our realities, and we shouldn't go out of our ways to make them understand that their definitions of us are not accurate.   It's not about winning or losing an argument... but remember that no matter what, the moment we lose control of our emotions (anger, for example) is when we lose.

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Please seek knowledge about this and protect yourself if you find yourself confused and/or emotionally hurt. These types of verbal abuse are especially dangerous because they are not obvious, but their emotional damage can be cruelly intense and very difficult to overcome.

Aggressors tend to be insecure, but not necessarily conscious of it.  Many consider themselves confident when in reality feel threaten or intimidated by someone else who either has a higher capacity of developing and controlling their emotions, or when they are more knowledgeable or intelligent than they are.

To those individuals (aggressors), I hope this reaches out to you and makes you a little more self-conscious about the things you need to work on.  No one deserves to be verbally abused; we don't give this topic enough importance and seems like we focus more on the physical abuse because of the apparent consequences, but we forget that the emotional wounds are way more difficult to heal than those physical ones; they can also be just as, if not more painful.  If anybody out there is reading this and can relate -either as a victim or the aggressor- feel free to contact me -or better yet- do your own personal research on the matter to not only educate yourself, but change yourself or the situation you're in.  You're welcome to share your thoughts or experiences on here as well.

Being aware is the first step on stopping the perpetuation of verbal abuse.

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"Ignorance does not justify oppression... It only makes it possible." - Susan Forward

More than I Expected

Defying time and distance, he's the one my heart travels to every time I close my eyes. Defying space and matter, he's the one whose touch I lack but whose soul I feel so close to mine. Defying what others might say, he's the one I trust and know to be my true best friend. He's the one my mind seems to be in perfect sync with, more than I ever imagined I could find. He's the one I miss throughout the day, the one I tell how my day went. He's the owner of my thoughts, my heart and the desires of my body. He is more than I ever expected a man could be, he has touched my soul in so many ways. He has shown me respect from day one, has told me the truth from the start. For all he is I am so grateful, for all he gives me I am so priviledged and blessed. He is my friend, my love, my future and even already… a part of my own soul.

Different Kind of Tears

Oh, I do know what you mean when you say you've cried all of a sudden for feeling so alone.  I know what it's like... but today it was different.  I cried, as I always do, since it seems like that was my pre-programmed, automatic way to express my most intense emotions; but I cried with a smile on my face.  I can't believe how powerful our minds can be, how the only thought of you can bring you to life.  As I do things I do, alone, I just imagined having you there by my side, and pictured the things I would be saying, and doing with you.  It made the whole experience feel like I wasn't alone.  Who knows, who said we can't be at two places at once? I don't know where this is going to go... but it makes absolute sense right now.  I can know that the feelings I thought I would never experience again, are coming to life once more... with my feet on the ground yet my eyes looking up at the sky of possibilities of what this might become.  I feel blessed.  I feel the energy I lacked for so long, the understanding of how good things do come to those who have hope.  I had these thoughts in my mind, they generated so many feelings... then emotions... then tears... but this was amazing.  It was amazing to know that these feelings are not just bouncing off the walls, they are no longer unrequited.  It made me feel so special... so different, like it has been worth the wait.  Thank you for existing.

Win-Win

They say there lays the problem… when we render it all, when we wear our hearts on the sleeve, when we open our hearts too much (Is there such thing?). I’d say the problems is when we don’t, when we’re too careful… but I’ve come to the conclusion that at least for me, it’s always going to be a win-win situation. Why? Well, if I’m appreciated, and loved back the same way, with the same intensity, loyalty and respect… then I’ll be happy (mmm really really happy!). If I’m taken advantage of, or betrayed, or just not loved the same way and I end up with a broken heart… then I’d be proven right (this makes me happy). The idea in my head that love isn’t meant for me, and it’s never reciprocal, and that men (those whom I feel attracted  to) lack the capacity to handle and love a woman like me… then this truth in my head is validated, and I am right… and the feeling of being right is another one I seem to be addicted to. So, either way, I win (no, really!). This last one might be uncomfortable to deal with at first, but it will still make me feel good about myself somehow. So, yeah… it’s whatever. I win! Either way! J buahahahahahaha. No, I’m not being sarcastic… lol.

Holding Back

Love is always worth it; it is worth the risk of getting hurt, because you do not know life if you don’t know love. Holding back our feelings, it’s holding back from being ourselves, it’s like we are hiding, or we are putting on a mask of indifference when all we really want to do is render our heart to that special one. Why be so careful? Those who truly love, develop at the same time the strength to overcome a heart break. Because love is the exercise of the heart; when we have truly loved, we have built the strength to overcome pain. It is not okay to be stubborn, or fools, and pretend those who don’t appreciate us are someday going to change and love us like we love them. We are to love ourselves first, and know how to take care of our hearts, protecting our dignity, self-love and self-respect. If someone will hurt our feelings, or betray our trust, it is their problem and their responsibility to show us, not our problem to worry about or try to find out. Loving others is a great gift not only for them, but to us as well. It is as strong and as important as forgiveness. They co-exist, go hand in hand and depend on each other. We are to forgive those we love, and love those whom we’ve forgiven. I write about this again, as a reminder of how important it is to open my heart despite the doubts, the fear, or the potential pain… and because it crossed my mind once again.  J