Another Dream

Another Dream of my Old Home

I just woke up from a long nap.  I don't know what it is... but I had that dream again.  I dreamed that I was at a party... somewhere.  I was with some of my old high school friends (Jorge Diaz and Jorge Castillo).  We were happy to be together again after so long; there were other people with us.  After the party... we wanted to go have some drinks and food at one of the girl's house.  I suggested that we headed to my house.  We were driving on a big van... on "Libertad" Road.  It was the street I grew up in (in Rio Bravo, Mexico).  I told them to go straight.  There it was!  My old big and beloved house!  The girl insisted that we went to her house on the next block but then the driver pulled over at mine.  I was overwhelmed.  I hadn't seen this house in so long.  We headed in and I noticed that there were some young kids around the house.  They were very young and misterious and it was very dark (in the middle of the night!)  I started to get worried about it.  I felt like they threaten me.  As the others headed into the house, I silently came out to see the kids.  I found them hiding by the side of the house with some bricks on their hands.  I questioned them, but I was so worried that they could hurt me that I invited them in.  They seemed to be ashamed and accepted my invite.  As we all headed in, the other girl who was with us told me that there was another little girl that was always seen wandering around the neighborhood... but she was out of sight now.  We all headed towards the door... and then I woke up! Every time I dream about this house... it's mostly something similar.  I see myself outside the house, wanting so much to be inside... but I never get to!  Me and my house... that's my most repetitive dream.  I wonder why.  I think I seek some sort of closure, or maybe deep down it was a big loss in my life as a child.  Today was a challenging day... today I felt I lost something... and perhaps it triggered my subconscious.  That house looks so different now; I've driven by it when I visit my hometown and every single time I feel a strong desire to enter.  I wonder who lives there now and if they still see all the little details I loved about it.  Perhaps it has changed so much;  The floors on some of the rooms weren't completely finished and some of the paint from the walls had fallen on the cement... creating circles and other shapes.  I remember finding figures on the paint and naming them.  There was a big smiling moon (that maybe only I could see) on the bathroom wall.  There were some similey dancing ants along the side.  I miss something about that house. Oh well, I'm sure I'll dream it again very soon... it always happenes at least once a month.  

Erasing Memories

Erasing Memories

"… and you shouldn't want to forget.  Those experiences have made you who you are." -he said.
"No! trust me, I do want to forget.  Even if it meant that I would be more immature or more naïve now…. I don't care!" - I replied.

There are moments when I think I am completely over it.  There are moments when I feel so happy and strong… like I've moved on completely.  Then something happens… something simple and negative in my "new life" and it triggers my memories.  The feeling of failure comes back and it appears like every little thing that goes wrong in my life now, is added to the pain of the past experiences; like a big snowball getting bigger and bigger as time goes by.  Surprisingly, it hurts more now than it did then… perhaps I am seeing things I blinded myself of before  I don't know how to let go.  The things that go wrong nowadays are nothing compared to what I've been through; they aren't deep enough, bad enough, hard enough, cruel enough, yet they become salt in the wound that hasn't yet healed (no matter how hard I try to fight it… it hasn't).  Not only has it not healded, but it is now infected.  I can't even cry anymore… I just find myself lost in thought and blank. 

At first the pain was mostly about him, about missing him, still wanting him, forgiving everything he did and then feeling unhappy for deceiving myself.  Now, it's like I'm against myself for doing so many things wrong… things against him, but more importantly… things against myself.  Losing my dignity for what I thought was love is something that I haven't learned to deal with.  I still find myself with the same pattern of thought than before. It's like a disease and I don't know how to reach out, get help or how to train myself to act differently.  I do not know if I have any self confidence… I do not know if it's based on true love of myself or if it's just a mask I know I need to wear to earn people's affection, admiration and/or company.

Why do I still feel so lost?  Where is it that I must go to grow past this?  A mountain peak and talk to a wise old man like they say in the books? LOL.  Why haven't the new friendships fulfilled the emptiness?  I know it has nothing to do with others (what I must do or attain), I know it's within me. Yet, I don't know how… what…or where to look.  Many will say I should turn to God.  God has given me my heart and mind and the capacity to figure things out on my own.  His influence is powerful, yet, He wants me to learn.  I have, I think, every single day… in some way or another asked Him for help.  Perhaps I haven't been still enough to capture the voice of His spirit.  Or perhaps I have ignored it by my own convictions and "knowledge."  ?

Do we go all through this?  Who knows the answers?  Therapy? Time, huh?  Time heals it all… positive thoughts… a new perspective… change… effort… hope… faith?

I turn around and see them all going through the same pain, the same discouragement and sadness.  They all bear a wound in their hearts, and still somehow blame themselves for what happened.  Why do we do that?  I wish I was stronger and wiser.  I wish  could help them and tell them how to move on… how to forget the past.  I wish there existed a place where you could take all the little things that remind you of the past, where they would plug you to some sort of machine and the doctor magically erased all your memories (like in that movie… what's it called?). Haha.  But no, life is life and we must learn to love it past the struggles.  I know things could be way worse and that I must feel blessed and thankful for the life I've been given… which is indeed wonderful and amazing.  It's just a bump on the road… I will let go some day and things will be better.  I know there is someone who loves me very much, who understands the pain… I know he went through it all… suffered it all and knows that there is still love and happiness awaiting.  I will get better… I will strive to have faith and hope.

Just venting I guess.

Susana

My Own Language

Sometimes

Sometimes, I just want to invent my own language to say things I need to get off my chest, knowing that nobody will ever understand them.  Seeking some sort of relief, yet, not exposing myself so much that people will think they have the right to express their "constructive criticism," which in reality is always a disguised negative judgement.

Sometimes I just want to die.  No, I'm not a depressed suicidal, I just want to know what's really out there, what's really next... but I love it here so much that I can't let that curiosity grow inside my head.

Sometimes I get so tired of the way people want to control everything.  What we do, what we eat, what we buy, what we believe... geez, even what we think!  Isn't it frustrating that the moment you start thinking for yourself, no longer living to please other people's expectations.... you find yourself tagged with so many negative labels and even punished to an extent for loving yourself enough to make your own decisions, your own rules... ? ? ?

Sometimes I question everything I've been taught.  Sometimes I find that my own conclusions make me happier than the resolutions of the rest of the world around me.  Can I say fuck off to those who've tried to mold my essence?

Sometimes I want to sleep for days... Sometimes I want to stay awake all night... all day... all the time.  I don't want to miss a thing.  Sometimes I wonder where my heart is?  Why is it that when we love ourselves we generate this destructive idea that we're being selfish and that we need to put others before ourselves?

Can I be honest here?  I'm not about to fall in love... as far as I'm concerned, those who say they're in love will sooner or later cheat, get bored, go away, or fuck everything up.  What's the point of living an illusion?  It's like watching cartoons and believing there are people out there with a purple face who own talking dogs.

Sometimes I wish I could get away with this blog without people thinking I'm a bitter, pessimistic bitch.  The reality is... I'm very happy and positive.  I'm in the process of becoming a realist.  This is my time, and my transformation.  And who knows... this might all be a brain fart and not even real.  This isn't really me exploding into a rebellious feminist or anythinng like that.  I still have values, and I'm restructuring them to leave only those that are really mine.

Sometimes I wish there was complete silence all around me.  Sometimes I wish I saw people for who they really are, rather than their potential.  It always turns out to be the potential to be my idea of perfection and of what they should be. 

Sometimes I wish I could have another chance to say mean things to those who've hurt me.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have that wish anymore.  I seek some kind of closure, I suppose.  No, I'm not dwelling on the past... I just really want to kick them in the nuts.  :)

Sometimes I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier... or wish my hair was longer, darker, straight, that my eyes were blue, etc. .. and then I feel guilty when I look in the mirror and I love what I see.  It's like I've cheated on myself.  I love myself and yet, I let these fantasies arise.  Isn't that our nature?  I'm a cheater. 

Sometimes I wish everything made more sense.  I wish I could do a car wheel.  I wish and wish.  I wish I didn't wish at all.  Not to be mediocre, but to just explore, understand, appreciate and love the things exaclty the way they are. 

Sometimes I find myself lying.  I hate myself for it because I claim to be an honest person.  But there I am, digging myself in big holes.  Yeah, you better not trust me.  Fuck, I don't even trust myself sometimes.  Stay away, I'm probably going to do something stupid if you start expecting so much out of me. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so used to saying 'Yes'.  I wish I wasn't as condescending.  I wish I was more in harmony with my instincts and true desires. 

Sometimes I wish it was him, I wish he was the one, to prove my theories wrong, I wish he looked like this, made me feel like that, blah blah blah. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't sound so stupid talking about love and relationships... 'cause yes, I can see the contradictions.  Oh well.

sometimes... I gotta stop writing 'cause i gotta get ready to go see "Twilight".... which makes me really happy and excited!!!! and makes me forget whatever the heck I was trying to say.... haaaahahaha I love this! 

How Dare You?

How Dare You... ?

How dare you?

How dare you demand respect, when all you do is stab with your lies?  It isn't confidence… it's pride.   It isn't strength, it's corruption.  You don't deserve respect… you don't deserve that kind of love.  I doubt you'll ever understand how serious your mistake is.  How dare you speak of honor, when your actions reveal your cruelty? Will you ever learn?  Will you ever grow up?  You're close or past your thirties, with nothing but material things to offer… things that don't improve the soul.  How sad... you're lame.  How dare you say you love your children so much, when the example you set before them is disgusting and vain? You say there's nothing more important in your life but their happiness, yet instead of praying with them every night,  you're out there seeking action and risking it all for minutes of pleasure.  It's sad... you're lost.   How dare you declare yourself a man, when you can't make just one special woman happy?  You count the woman you've gotten in bed… and you forget the number of them who cried for you.  How dare you feel good about yourself after all you've done?  How dare you be proud of your personal  accomplishments, when you've forgotten to do good and serve others?  Do you realize how selfish you've become?  Does the pain you've inflicted to others mean anything to you?  So sad... you're evil.  Do you realize that the reason why many love you, isn't your righteous essence, but theirs? When will you wake up and understand?  You think you know God… but if you did you'd strive to be a little more like Him.  You look for vain treasures in this world, you forsake your family and those whose love is worth it.   When will you ever learn?  When will you change?  Oh poor you… I'll always say:  One day you will wake up alone, with your good years gone, no one around, no one with you.  The reflection you'll see in the mirror will disgust you… and you will want to run and disappear.  You'll realize your actions lead you there.  Or perhaps... perhaps you'll still be surrounded by those who'll still love you despite your imperfections and mistakes: those who forgave you.  You'll still have her there by your side, and your children will forgive your negligence… but that day for sure you'll realize, that it's too late to heal their wounds.   That day, when you finally see their scars and you realize it was you who caused them… that day you'll want to die.  It is sad.

Collapsing Dreams

Collapsing Dreams

I see my dreams collapsing before my eyes. 
I see the way out too.
The weakness freezes me and I stay still
staring at the mess I let myself fall for. 
A ray of hope lies close to my heart. 
I always knew my dreams would not be found in the trash. 
Why did I even look?
Scarce are the people whose heart's strong enough to feel true love.
Scarce are the people whose will is strong enough to not give up.

As I read one of my previous blogs about my decision to move to Utah, I realized how different things have turned out for me now that I'm here.  I remembered the dreams and expectations I had for my life in Utah; most importantly, I remembered the feeling I couldn't put into words at the time.  I felt excitement and fear; I was full of hope.  I thought I had gone through enough pain and that it was time for a new start in a new place, where through my actions and a new attitude I would find peace and joy.  Did I lose the focus? Did I get side tracked?  Indeed.  My sister once told me that one of my struggles is knowing exactly where I want to go, but not willing to walk the path which will lead me there.  I try to find the easiest way… things just don't go right… it doesn't happen like that.  I haven't overcome this.

I can't say I'm depressed, sad, unhappy, or angry.  The feeling is more like discouragement… but not strong enough to keep me down.  I feel like I've known all along the things I must do, now I just have to find strength again to fight for the outcome I've always dreamed of. Great things don't come easily and we must learn and be strong to stand up and fight for them.  I've encountered lame versions of what I had in mind and it's all because I've been looking in the wrong places.   I've let my eyes and ears be fooled by lies and words of those who aren't worth my time at all.  Things are about to change though.  I can do so much better than this.

I realize that no matter how cruel reality may be, my good intentions and dreams won't vanish. No matter how others treat me, I'll never be the one to seek revenge.  I still trust, I still love… I still forgive.  I can't change my divine nature and I'm no longer going to try, just to appear like the stronger, smarter woman.  Being loving and forgiving isn't being weak, it's in fact an act of true emotional strength.  I long for those things that can't be touched… those things that not many can describe.  I know the day will come when I find what I'm looking for… and it will all make sense then. 

Desahogo Sin Sentido

Desahogo Sin Sentido

"sobrevivire!!!! buscare un hogar... dentro los escombros de mi soledad."

Blah Blah

Creo en el amor… lo ingenua no se me quita… pareze que me bajaron de la sierra a tamborazos y no dejo de sonar.  La vida es corta, y eso lo se, pero pierdo tiempo durmiendo y sonando despierta.  Las cosquillas me desesperan.  El perder el control de mi, de mis sentimientos me purga.  Creo que hay duendes en algun lugar del mundo.  El agua me llena de vida, y ni siquiera se nadar.  No me gusta tener frio, me siento sola y con miedo.  Los hombres son iguales entre si, y tan diferentes a nosotras las buenas.  Las amigas son lo mejor.  La familia es lo maximo.  Los bebes son latosos, me gusta poder devolverselos a sus padres.  Sone que un bebe se cagaba y la popo rodaba por el piso.  Estare traumada?  Ya lo creo.  Extrano a ciertos amigos que he perdido por pendeja.  Creo que nunca volvere a ser lo que realmente nunca fui sino solo aparente.  Creo que ya no quiero ser eso, pues era solo por conveniencia.  Pero al final de cuentas, uno no recibe lo que quiere, ni siqueira lo que merece… siempre es algo mas, algo loco, algo absurdo o cruel.  A la fregada todo! Que lo tuyo chica! Jajajajajaja.  La musica me prende, los juegos en la feria aun me emocionan, la cama siempre se me antoja, y Arjona me da vida.  He abandonado y he sido abandonada.  He sido despreciada y he sido amada como loca.  Sone que vivia en un drama de novela, donde mi amado era apartado de mi por mi padre.  Sone que tenia ojos azules pero que mi cara estaba vieja.  Sone que mi hijo conocia a su padre ya siendo un hombre… y que el lloraba.  Gosh, creo que dormi mucho.  Estoy amodorrada…. Si, dormi 11 horas.  Estoy cansada todavia, y harta de la vida.  No es el sueno como la muerte?  Un descanso de la vida?  No lo creo… cuando hay suenos asi que me agotan aun mas de lo que los pinches dias ya consiguieron.  Para que la gente miente?  Por que perder el tiempo con tanta mierda?  Si, aun me encabronan los idiotas que me hacen perder minutos, mas aun semanas, y esos que me hacen perder anos, a esos los maldigo.  Quiero dormir de nuevo.  Solo queria escribir esto que no tiene sentido, y ya se… como son las cosas en mi cabeza.  Despues voy a tener que borrarlo o cambiarlo.  Me siento bien desesperada.  Quisiera agarrar mis cosas e irme a casa… pero no a Indiana… entonces?  Donde fregados es mi casa?  Por que estoy viviendo este b reakdown cuando me siento tan plena?... Mmmm un libro acaba de caerme del cielo! Bueno, no, se cayo del librero… se llama Women and Money…Sera un mensaje del cielo?  Estoy endeudada hasta las pestanas! Jajajjajajaja. Me vale! Tengo tanto! Tengo todo! Solo estoy incomoda… pero todo terminara.  Quiero que este idiota venga por sus cosas que dejo en mi closet.  Resulta un peligro tenerlas aqui.  Pero se por que lo hizo… pinche astuto.  No voy a caer Jajajajajajaja.  Amo mi cuarto.  Siento algo de paz.  "Cada amanecer me derrumbo al ver la puta realidad; no hay en el mundo no, nadie mas fragil que yo."  Jajajaja que casualidad….  "No han en el mundo no, nadie mas dura que yo!!!!!!!!!!!"

no frieguen ok? no quiero comentarios en este blog! buahahahahahaha

An End

An End

"Everything around us turned so loud.  Other voices clouded my thoughts and I stopped hearing my heart beating in my chest for you.  Everything turned cloudy and I couldn't see you anymore.  Everyone else won while I lost myself in me and my wounds.  I let myself forget the feeling which one day ruled my world.  It wasn't as strong anymore… It was even hard to believe it had been real.  You would never understand.  I don't even understand how it happened but it did.  Perhaps the feeling wasn't nourished.  Perhaps someone like me, so dependent of the truth, the touch, the closeness… just gave up and failed.  I wonder what will happen now… now that there's nothing to look forward to.  Maybe I'll sleep and forget you.  Maybe you'll come by some day.  I don't know. Where are you, anyway? "

Alerta

Ahora entiendo que la ilusion de un momento puede transportarnos a un lugar donde el sentimiento rige la razon, donde el corazon toma el control, donde no hay logica y la vision se nubla.  Ahora entiendo que es un mecanismo de defensa, una reaccion del cuerpo, quiza una reaccion hormonal que lanza un ardor por las venas, pues un espejismo de algo tan perfecto y eternamente anhelado resulta ser una droga calmante que interpretas como tu razon de vivir, el gran proposito de tu existencia o tu perfecto destino.  Ahora entiendo que no es real… que no es mas que un sueno del cual debes despertar si quieres salir ilesa de una locura, y de una idealizacion destructiva.  Ahora entiendo que es posible frenar esta fuerza, y esta desesperacion al tener consciencia de la realidad, al pensar mas en ti, al establecer como tu mision principal la proteccion de tu estabilidad emocional; el amor propio y el deseo de cuidar de ti, pueden hacerte prevalecer.  

La Llorona

And so the story goes...

She walks at night, along the river. 

She wears a white dress, her black hair down.  

It seems like she's sick, but she's actually dead. 

She's dead inside, she killed herself. 

They say she killed her children, 'cause she fell in love. 

Now he's long gone, and she wants them home. 

She's a troubled soul, a punished spirit,

Alive or dead, there's no forgiving. 

The story says she killed them all,

One by one, four precious boys. 

They all were drowned,

They had no luck,

She didn't cry,

She loved him more.

Two were drowned in the river,

Two were thrown down the well.

She cries at night,

And so she dwells.

The elderly warn us, she'll never leave.

Mercy to men, she'll never give.

She comes out at night,

she cries and yells,

"Oh, my boys!" You'll hear her say.

If you hear her at night,

you better hide,

Children must go to bed,

or she'll take them by her side.

She's sad and lonely,

and does nothing but cry.

You'll see her walk soaked,

To approach her you mustn't try.

She walks at night, along the river. 

She wears a white dress, she flows as the wind blows.  

She misses her children, She won't let go.

Her face is perfect, you'll love her glow.

(La Llorona)

Adios a Los Debiles

No entiendo todas las cosas.  No entiendo por que la gente espera tanto para apreciar las cosas buenas que llegan a su vida.  No entiendo por que se callan los sentimientos, esperando que los demas los entiendan como si fueramos telepaticos.  No me agrada como personas castigan a otras por los errores de terceros.  No entiendo por que las personas que he dejado entrar en mi vida, han solo sabido pensar en ellos y en su bienestar.  No entiendo por que unos ofrecen las migajas de un amor que ni siquiera existe.  No se marchan… en vez de seguir por su camino, nos enrollan en sus vidas, sabiendo que involucraremos sentimientos y saldremos completamente heridas.  Por que lo hacen?  Por no sentirse solos.  Es injusto.  Estoy lista para ser por fin la mujer mas especial en la vida de un hombre.  No la que mas lo quiera, la mas conveniente pareja, la mejor amiga, la compania, la incondicional, la amante, la idiota que siempre se presta a ayudar por que tiene un buen sentimiento.  Ya no, ya no voy a permitirme eso.  Se quien soy y lo que estoy dispuesta a dar.  Realmente, a aquellos que vengan a mi vida sin la disposicion de entregarse al cien porciento, simplemente los hechare fuera de mi vida.  No necesito a un hombre debil, o un hombre amargado por el pasado, no necesito un hombre negativo, no necesito un hombre que tiene pavor a verse vulnerable… un hombre que no entienda que dentro de la vulnerabilidad hay tambien fuerza.  Espero a un hombre con suficiente seguridad en si mismo, y en la vida, que tenga fe, y que sea optimista… que no este temeroso a sentir un amor profundo.  No necesito a alguien que busque algo pasajero.  Ya estoy cansada de eso, de los frutos de mi pasado, estoy lista para algo nuevo, para algo especial.  Estoy lista para ser tan especial para el, como el lo sera para mi. 

Crash and Burn

Crash and Burn

I can feel the danger of this feeling… wanting to see you, wanting you around, and missing you when you're gone.  What's the point of this?  I will crash and burn.  Things will happen so quickly and then all of this will be gone… like it always is, because nothing anymore lasts forever.  What's the point of saying bye to the world just to be with you?  To deal with the scars of your past?  To suffer or be punished for what others did?  No, I shouldn't be willing to pay that price just for your company or a warm sweet caress.  Can't be worth it.  I'd rather walk alone, like I have been forever.  Feeling this… It would lead to no happy future, but instead just to an addictive pain that will somehow give meaning to my emotions.  Why would you let me get so close?  Why do you stay around me?  Why cut my wings?  Without words… you do just that… leave me hanging, leave me waiting and hoping.  At the same time… you remain so distant.  You're closed and far from here.  Lost in thought.  I wonder when you'll come back.  I wonder who the real you is, or who you once were.  I hate timing… It has always been against me.  I wonder where you are.  How could I have you so close one night… and the next… too, too far?  And then I wonder if you fear the same… if you're holding back… if deep down you want this as much as I do.  Perhaps we both fear that this isn't real.  Or perhaps we both know that this is just like a shooting star; perfect, real but short-lived.  Perhaps there's no need to wonder what will happen and we should just let things be.  I wish I could sleep tonight… but one night was enough for me to get so used to you and now things just don't seem right.  It's weird how we haven't even kissed; we haven't even been close enough... but I still miss you.

This crash and burn fear, this feeling, it's just too familiar... like similar things are coming back to me... it's like an ongoing conversation with myself or someone else... an issue of some time now.

~ Susana ~

Blah

I've always heard, and recently started believing that happiness itself is nothing but a collection of special, joyful moments that we happen to experience throughout our life.  It is also a state of mind, and yes, we can be happy in a prolonged period of time, but when we are asked about what makes us happy, we can't help but recall those moments that had the most impact and meaning in our existence.  There are moments that are  very emotional and may bring tears to our eyes… there are also those simple moments that brought joy and hope and perhaps meant a new start.  There are moments that would seem empty, yet they represent a new beginning because it's a moment when we decide to leave the past behind, and turn the page in the book of our life.  There are some moments that are so perfect and so special… and in our hope to intensify the emotions, or prolong the feeling, we end up rushing it until we crash and burn.  Then there are some other moments, simple and genuine… where the emotions arise, but your heart lets you know exactly where to stop, it lets you know you're safe, yet you still get to enjoy the illusion of a deeper meaning.  You walk out of a moment like that, feeling satisfied, feeling safe, feeling stronger than before, and feeling happy that you got to experience something so strong, yet so ephemeral.  Sometimes there's nothing better than going with the flow, letting things be, but also saying everything you want to say, doing everything you want to do, living that moment, enjoying every second of it, not playing games, not doing what's expected, not expecting anything, embracing every second as a true adventure and loving with passion the imperfection of that interaction.  Blah! Whatever! Yes, it's so perfect and it's so true… I don't wonder anymore… I don't wait… I don't expect.  I just remember, I enjoy the memory… I close my eyes and think about the simplest of things I saw you do, or heard you say… and there's nothing more I want to see or hear.   Sometimes we close our hearts to emotions or thoughts like these because we've been hurt and we fear to fall and be vulnerable to the heartbreak pain.  Why can't we realize that by closing our minds, we close our hearts and we close the door to perhaps true happiness?  Not because a person could deliver that happiness, but perhaps because the new possibility, the new idea, or the new experience will bring ourselves back from that dark phase we let ourselves live in. Love and happiness come to those who believe in them; it comes to those who know how to smile, those that run free, those who open their arms, those who open their eyes.  Happiness comes to those who open their hearts.  Happiness comes to those that accept things for what they are, those that accept and don't stress about things they can't control… and those who are patient.  Everything indeed happens for a reason… I am thankful for a moment I lived tonight that made me understand that I am happy.  This night made me happy.   Those moments have been added to my happy-moment-collection.     

Eternal Wound

Eternal Wound
Current mood: contemplative

I'm thankful that I remember this feeling, for it makes me realize how stronger I've become.  I'm thankful that I can be inspired by others, to not only write (for you can see I'm not the best at it) but also to just ponder upon these things.  I am grateful that I know that eternal wounds can also heal, and that the pain will cease.  I am thankful for my life, for those who loved me and for those who didn't.  I am thankful for this moment, because there aren't any more tears.

Eternal wound: It's the kind of wound that we can't see, yet we can't deny it exists because we feel it burning us inside.  It's the feeling that we get at night, when everyone else sleeps, and in our attempt to do the same we only find ourselves gasping for air, fighting the pain and the tears from coming down our cheeks.  It's the suffering we wonder will go away.  It's the emptiness, the loneliness.  We can't seem to find that strength to impulse ourselves back up from that cold hole.  It's an eternal wound, for we let it get to us, we still ask ourselves what went wrong, where we messed up, we wonder when that moment was when we woke up from that sweet dream we once called love.  The wound that will always hurt, because we can't always think logically, we can't always move on.  The pain in the chest, yes, that physical pain we can't deny… it comes when we're alone… but geez, we always feel alone, even when people are around us.  We know ours is an eternal wound when months later we find ourselves stopping a simple task with a panic attack, or a strong desire to cry. We still wonder if she or he will call.  We still think of what he/she might be doing.  We are still waiting for answers; we're still waiting for that call.  We still wonder if that person still thinks about us; we wonder if they ever cried like we did; we wonder if they moved on.  We hope for a moment again, like those in our past, another chance to do things right, or just another chance to hear their voice.  We seek to be sedated even if that means to live a lie.   We seek to find in that an escape, a moment of peace.  We dream…. But still, that wound's still there… and it will hurt us forever, or at least that's how it seems.

The next is from the book New Moon by Stephanie Meyer.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.  Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing.  My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold.  I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together.  I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive.  I was alert, I felt the pain-- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head-- but it was manageable.  I could live through it.  It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Our Dance

I stopped seeing the people around us; I stopped wondering if they thought I looked good; I stopped worrying about my hair getting curly due to the sweat.  I stopped thinking, wondering, worrying, and I just felt the music like never before in my life, and the rhythm took over me.  It is difficult to explain, but the feeling was amazing.  It was blissful.  It was like if that moment was meant to be, everything in order, or perhaps everything out of place, yet in perfect harmony.  My shoes were off, I didn't care.  I was smiling and enjoying every second of it.  The songs kept changing, so did the genres of music…(salsa, merengue, hip hop, nortena, reggaeton, even country!) but I didn't want to stop, I couldn't stop.  His hands led me around, moved me, turned me, touched me, handled me with passion and I could tell that he was enjoying it just as much as I was. It was truly like making love in the club, to a whole new level. No, it wasn't sexual, but it was passionate, it was sensual. It felt right in every way. Nothing else mattered then; both of us were determined to dance until we couldn't move, or until the music stopped, and it felt like it would never happen… I felt thankful for that. No, we didn't stop. We kept going… we didn't sleep that night. We were smiling that night. We got up on stage, and danced… just us. I think people felt it too, or perhaps they didn't… but the moment was ours so it didn't matter. I've never danced like that in my life. I would describe that night as perfect. No, I'm not saying I'm the best dancer, I'm not saying we were perfect to others' eyes while doing it… but it was indeed perfection, to me, maybe to him as well. It was the most exciting moment I've experienced in a very long time. It was a moment, that lasted several hours… a moment in which I felt completely happy. Nothing else bothered me. I knew that it would last forever… the feeling… the experience… the passion I felt while doing what I love most. My body, my heart and my mind were in sync. I had a lot of fun. It was far beyond fun, it was sublime. I am glad I got to experience this… with him, a great dancer, an awesome friend, a great man. I didn't want the night to end... I didn't want to leave him. It was really meant to happen. My body was loose, alowing me to move like never before; every muscle and bone in my body participated, it felt like running water... so natural. I loved it! What an awesome experience! I couldn't have asked for more.  (September 17, 2008)

A Ella

Mami,

Estoy pensando mucho en ti esta noche y decidi escribirte.  La verdad es que extrano mucho tenerles cerca y a veces me siento sola.  Quisiera abrazarles y escucharles; y tengo miedo de que se olviden de mi.  No se muy bien por que estoy aqui, tan lejos, no se si valga la pena… pero tambien he podido comprender lo importante que son en mi vida y lo mucho que les amo.  He comprendido que los momentos mas felices de mi vida, los momentos mas especiales y mas plenos han sido al lado de ustedes.  Y tambien que pase lo que pase, siempre les voy a llevar en el corazon, y siempre tendre el mismo amor por cada uno de ustedes, para siempre.  Ese amor nunca dejara de ser. 

Mama, veo las fotos de Erick y no puedo evitar sentir un gran dolor.  Es dificil de explicar y no se por que me llega tanto.  Se que todo eso quedo atras pero siento mucho dolor al pensar en  lo que tu pasaste.  No puedo concebir en mi mente lo dificil que ha de haber sido para ti; no se por que pienso en esto… mas ultimamente, por alguna razon.  Quiza ni deberia de decirte esto, alterar los viejos sentimientos... pero siempre fue tan ajeno a mi, y yo no puedo vivir sin decirte que lo siento mucho.  Solo quiero que sepas que eres la mujer mas fuerte, mas importante, y mas buena que conozco.  Te admiro mucho.  Te amo mucho mama.  Lamento mucho que hayas tenido que soportar eso.  Pero tambien quiero agradecerte, por haber sido fuerte, por haber sobrevivido, pues por tu fuerza es que yo estoy aqui, por que tomaste una buena decision en retomar tu vida; yo estoy viva, y existo, y he aprendido cosas, y sigo aprendiendo... y quiero decirte GRACIAS por que fue gracias a tu fuerza y valor!  Gracias por no haberte rebelado contra Dios tras pasar esa dura prueba.  Gracias por haberme ensenado de Dios, y haberme ensenado quien soy.

Me gustaria decirte que todas tus palabras son importantes para mi, y que aunque he ignorado tus consejos muchas veces, tu buen ejemplo y tu amor es algo que no se puede ignorar.  Te llevo siempre en mi vida, y quisiera llegar a ser tan fuerte como tu, tan buena como tu.  No quiero perderte nunca mama.  Quiero saber que realmente vamos a estar juntas para siempre, y esa es mi verdadera felicidad.  No quiero hacer nada que ponga eso en riesgo… les necesito mucho en mi vida. 

Me encanta hablar contigo, escuchar tus historias, tus cuentos, tus experiencias.  Siempre me llegan al alma y me haces llorar.  Cuando era nina me gustaba mucho escucharte tocar el piano y bailar, y esas cosas me hacian sentir mas cerca de ti.  Mama, yo recuerdo muchas cosas, y se que yo era nina pero siempre estube consciente de que trabajabas mucho para sacarnos adelante.  Pero cada cosa que hacias, tenia gran impacto en mi vida.  Recuerdo que en las noches de tormenta, salias de tu cuarto y te hibas a dormir con nosotras por que sabias que nos daban miedos los relampagos… y te quedabas ahi hasta que nos dormiamos.  Recuerdo la angustia que sentias cada vez que nos enfermabamos y como nos atendias.  Recuerdo cuando hacias de cenar, y recuerdo mucho esa casa… que aun sueno seguido. 

No se por que pienso ahora en esas cosas… es solo que pienso en ti, y no se si eres feliz, o has sido feliz, y quisiera saber que lo fuiste o lo eres pero me siento impotente y siento que no he hecho nada por ti.  Quiza he hecho cosas buenas que te han complacido, pero en realidad siento que nunca he hecho algo por ti, para demostrate que te amo. 

Si has sufrido por mi culpa, perdoname.  Si mis decisiones te han herido, lo siento.  Pero no quiero perderte, no quiero dejar de sentirte mi amiga, y quisiera que siempre estuvieramos unidas… y que cada dia nuestra relacion se hiciera mas fuerte. 

La verdad es que mi vida ha estado llena de bendiciones.  No he pasado duras pruebas en comparacion a las que tu ya habias vivido a mi edad.  Me siento a veces tan culpable, tan indigna de la vida que vivo.  Siento que tengo todo, tengo mucho mas de lo que merezco, sin embargo encuentro motivos por los cuales sentirme incomoda, inconforme, necesitada.  Quiero ser mas agradecida, mas amable; quiero ser mejor.

Mama, no dejes de hablarme, de ensenarme, de exhortarme.  Pese a la distancia, te sigo necesitando igual.  A veces siento que en vez de madurar o crecer, me confundo mas, me pierdo mas… y por eso te necesito.

Tu siempre has sabido quien eres; y te aferras a tus principios, a tus valores… como te admiro.

Pareciera que en estos tiempos uno se distrae de las cosas importantes.  Pero cada buena decision que yo he tomado, cada parte buena de  mi personalidad y de mi escencia existe gracias a ti.  Gracias a lo que tu fuiste, eres, a lo que ensenaste hablando, y lo que ensenaste por medio de tu ejemplo.

Te voy a decir algo, y te lo digo en serio… y desde el fondo de mi corazon.

La bendicion mas grande en  mi vida, la cosa mas buena que me ha pasado, lo mejor de mi ser, por lo que yo mas me siento agradecida en esta tierra, en esta existencia, es el hecho de ser tu hija, y tenerles a ustedes como mi familia. Realmente… el haber venido a esta vida, a formar parte de tu vida, y tenerte en la mia, el haber aprendido de ti, y todo lo que soy… es lo que mas me hace feliz… Y no lo cambiaria por nada.  Daria la vida por cualquiera de ustedes, sin dudarlo un segundo.  Los amo mucho… a ti mama, a mi papa, a Dinorah, Checo, Azucena... y aun a Erick, aunque no lo conoci.  Amo a mis sobrinos Isaias, Ezequiel, Erick, Alex, Abi… y ahora el que esta en camino.  Son todo lo que tengo, y lo que yo mas quiero.  Cada uno de ustedes... les amo.

Solo queria que supieras esto mama.  Gracias por todo lo que has hecho, por todo lo que haces, y por todo lo que harias y darias por nosotros… por que yo te conozco.  Te amo, y te llevo conmigo en mi corazon y en mi pensamiento.  Para siempre.

Tu hija,

Tita

Fate

Fate

I believe in fate.  I believe we cross paths with people we're meant to meet.  I believe fate plays a role in our life, but I also believe it only leads us certain ways… to have us then make choices.  It's not just about fate.  They say that everything has been written; It's not that we're controlled… it just means that we are known.  The choices we will make are known to Him who created us.  Fate is nothing we can control, but our destiny is the outcome of the decisions that we make after we aknowledge where fate has brought us.  Destiny is where we are led after we make a choice.  We choose what we will live, we have that power.  We can let others influence, or not.  We can many times forget what brought us to where we are, but the choices that we make today are the roads that will lead us to where we will be tomorrow.  We might not remember, we might have chosen to forget, but the choices we made yesterday, are what led us to where we stand now.  I believe in fate… I believe things happen for a reason.  I believe we have so much to do with our destiny.  I believe we choose our paths.  I believe we have the power to control our destiny.  I believe in love, I believe in peace.  I am perhaps vulnerable…  but someone once said "There is strength through vulnerability."  Those of us who put our heart on the table, those of us who perhaps are idealists in  life, those of us who dream, those of us who are optimists… we can indeed be vulnerable to the pain of reality, but if we never dream, we will never achieve.  If we never love, we will never find peace.  If we never risk, we will never win.  If we never let people into our hearts again, we will never understand the true meaning of love.  If we accept reality, and the world as it is today, then we lack hope; we settle in the worst.  We stop doing the right thing.  We give up.  We choose what's easy versus what's right.  Then we will indeed lose.  I believe in fate, I believe in the power of our choices,  I believe we control our destiny, I believe in true love, I believe in hope, and I believe in peace.  I believe things are meant always to be.

True Love

True Love

True love goes beyond passion and attraction. 

True love is more than a feeling or emotion.

It is powerful and magestic.

It means accepting and understanding.

True love understands sacrifice,

Service and generosity.

It means forgiving and forgetting.

Because true love is given, not traded.

True love is amazing.

It's never killed by imperfection.

True love goes beyond what the eye can see.

It's a gift of God's creation.

True love is joy at his achievements.

True love is not having expectations.

It sometimes means letting go of him.

And that's a good demonstration.

True love is pure respect,

It's helping him with all you can.

True love's a non-stop devotion.

It goes far beyond death.