Crash and Burn

Crash and Burn

I can feel the danger of this feeling… wanting to see you, wanting you around, and missing you when you're gone.  What's the point of this?  I will crash and burn.  Things will happen so quickly and then all of this will be gone… like it always is, because nothing anymore lasts forever.  What's the point of saying bye to the world just to be with you?  To deal with the scars of your past?  To suffer or be punished for what others did?  No, I shouldn't be willing to pay that price just for your company or a warm sweet caress.  Can't be worth it.  I'd rather walk alone, like I have been forever.  Feeling this… It would lead to no happy future, but instead just to an addictive pain that will somehow give meaning to my emotions.  Why would you let me get so close?  Why do you stay around me?  Why cut my wings?  Without words… you do just that… leave me hanging, leave me waiting and hoping.  At the same time… you remain so distant.  You're closed and far from here.  Lost in thought.  I wonder when you'll come back.  I wonder who the real you is, or who you once were.  I hate timing… It has always been against me.  I wonder where you are.  How could I have you so close one night… and the next… too, too far?  And then I wonder if you fear the same… if you're holding back… if deep down you want this as much as I do.  Perhaps we both fear that this isn't real.  Or perhaps we both know that this is just like a shooting star; perfect, real but short-lived.  Perhaps there's no need to wonder what will happen and we should just let things be.  I wish I could sleep tonight… but one night was enough for me to get so used to you and now things just don't seem right.  It's weird how we haven't even kissed; we haven't even been close enough... but I still miss you.

This crash and burn fear, this feeling, it's just too familiar... like similar things are coming back to me... it's like an ongoing conversation with myself or someone else... an issue of some time now.

~ Susana ~