Collapsing Dreams

Collapsing Dreams

I see my dreams collapsing before my eyes. 
I see the way out too.
The weakness freezes me and I stay still
staring at the mess I let myself fall for. 
A ray of hope lies close to my heart. 
I always knew my dreams would not be found in the trash. 
Why did I even look?
Scarce are the people whose heart's strong enough to feel true love.
Scarce are the people whose will is strong enough to not give up.

As I read one of my previous blogs about my decision to move to Utah, I realized how different things have turned out for me now that I'm here.  I remembered the dreams and expectations I had for my life in Utah; most importantly, I remembered the feeling I couldn't put into words at the time.  I felt excitement and fear; I was full of hope.  I thought I had gone through enough pain and that it was time for a new start in a new place, where through my actions and a new attitude I would find peace and joy.  Did I lose the focus? Did I get side tracked?  Indeed.  My sister once told me that one of my struggles is knowing exactly where I want to go, but not willing to walk the path which will lead me there.  I try to find the easiest way… things just don't go right… it doesn't happen like that.  I haven't overcome this.

I can't say I'm depressed, sad, unhappy, or angry.  The feeling is more like discouragement… but not strong enough to keep me down.  I feel like I've known all along the things I must do, now I just have to find strength again to fight for the outcome I've always dreamed of. Great things don't come easily and we must learn and be strong to stand up and fight for them.  I've encountered lame versions of what I had in mind and it's all because I've been looking in the wrong places.   I've let my eyes and ears be fooled by lies and words of those who aren't worth my time at all.  Things are about to change though.  I can do so much better than this.

I realize that no matter how cruel reality may be, my good intentions and dreams won't vanish. No matter how others treat me, I'll never be the one to seek revenge.  I still trust, I still love… I still forgive.  I can't change my divine nature and I'm no longer going to try, just to appear like the stronger, smarter woman.  Being loving and forgiving isn't being weak, it's in fact an act of true emotional strength.  I long for those things that can't be touched… those things that not many can describe.  I know the day will come when I find what I'm looking for… and it will all make sense then.