Erasing Memories

Erasing Memories

"… and you shouldn't want to forget.  Those experiences have made you who you are." -he said.
"No! trust me, I do want to forget.  Even if it meant that I would be more immature or more naïve now…. I don't care!" - I replied.

There are moments when I think I am completely over it.  There are moments when I feel so happy and strong… like I've moved on completely.  Then something happens… something simple and negative in my "new life" and it triggers my memories.  The feeling of failure comes back and it appears like every little thing that goes wrong in my life now, is added to the pain of the past experiences; like a big snowball getting bigger and bigger as time goes by.  Surprisingly, it hurts more now than it did then… perhaps I am seeing things I blinded myself of before  I don't know how to let go.  The things that go wrong nowadays are nothing compared to what I've been through; they aren't deep enough, bad enough, hard enough, cruel enough, yet they become salt in the wound that hasn't yet healed (no matter how hard I try to fight it… it hasn't).  Not only has it not healded, but it is now infected.  I can't even cry anymore… I just find myself lost in thought and blank. 

At first the pain was mostly about him, about missing him, still wanting him, forgiving everything he did and then feeling unhappy for deceiving myself.  Now, it's like I'm against myself for doing so many things wrong… things against him, but more importantly… things against myself.  Losing my dignity for what I thought was love is something that I haven't learned to deal with.  I still find myself with the same pattern of thought than before. It's like a disease and I don't know how to reach out, get help or how to train myself to act differently.  I do not know if I have any self confidence… I do not know if it's based on true love of myself or if it's just a mask I know I need to wear to earn people's affection, admiration and/or company.

Why do I still feel so lost?  Where is it that I must go to grow past this?  A mountain peak and talk to a wise old man like they say in the books? LOL.  Why haven't the new friendships fulfilled the emptiness?  I know it has nothing to do with others (what I must do or attain), I know it's within me. Yet, I don't know how… what…or where to look.  Many will say I should turn to God.  God has given me my heart and mind and the capacity to figure things out on my own.  His influence is powerful, yet, He wants me to learn.  I have, I think, every single day… in some way or another asked Him for help.  Perhaps I haven't been still enough to capture the voice of His spirit.  Or perhaps I have ignored it by my own convictions and "knowledge."  ?

Do we go all through this?  Who knows the answers?  Therapy? Time, huh?  Time heals it all… positive thoughts… a new perspective… change… effort… hope… faith?

I turn around and see them all going through the same pain, the same discouragement and sadness.  They all bear a wound in their hearts, and still somehow blame themselves for what happened.  Why do we do that?  I wish I was stronger and wiser.  I wish  could help them and tell them how to move on… how to forget the past.  I wish there existed a place where you could take all the little things that remind you of the past, where they would plug you to some sort of machine and the doctor magically erased all your memories (like in that movie… what's it called?). Haha.  But no, life is life and we must learn to love it past the struggles.  I know things could be way worse and that I must feel blessed and thankful for the life I've been given… which is indeed wonderful and amazing.  It's just a bump on the road… I will let go some day and things will be better.  I know there is someone who loves me very much, who understands the pain… I know he went through it all… suffered it all and knows that there is still love and happiness awaiting.  I will get better… I will strive to have faith and hope.

Just venting I guess.

Susana