My Own Language

Sometimes

Sometimes, I just want to invent my own language to say things I need to get off my chest, knowing that nobody will ever understand them.  Seeking some sort of relief, yet, not exposing myself so much that people will think they have the right to express their "constructive criticism," which in reality is always a disguised negative judgement.

Sometimes I just want to die.  No, I'm not a depressed suicidal, I just want to know what's really out there, what's really next... but I love it here so much that I can't let that curiosity grow inside my head.

Sometimes I get so tired of the way people want to control everything.  What we do, what we eat, what we buy, what we believe... geez, even what we think!  Isn't it frustrating that the moment you start thinking for yourself, no longer living to please other people's expectations.... you find yourself tagged with so many negative labels and even punished to an extent for loving yourself enough to make your own decisions, your own rules... ? ? ?

Sometimes I question everything I've been taught.  Sometimes I find that my own conclusions make me happier than the resolutions of the rest of the world around me.  Can I say fuck off to those who've tried to mold my essence?

Sometimes I want to sleep for days... Sometimes I want to stay awake all night... all day... all the time.  I don't want to miss a thing.  Sometimes I wonder where my heart is?  Why is it that when we love ourselves we generate this destructive idea that we're being selfish and that we need to put others before ourselves?

Can I be honest here?  I'm not about to fall in love... as far as I'm concerned, those who say they're in love will sooner or later cheat, get bored, go away, or fuck everything up.  What's the point of living an illusion?  It's like watching cartoons and believing there are people out there with a purple face who own talking dogs.

Sometimes I wish I could get away with this blog without people thinking I'm a bitter, pessimistic bitch.  The reality is... I'm very happy and positive.  I'm in the process of becoming a realist.  This is my time, and my transformation.  And who knows... this might all be a brain fart and not even real.  This isn't really me exploding into a rebellious feminist or anythinng like that.  I still have values, and I'm restructuring them to leave only those that are really mine.

Sometimes I wish there was complete silence all around me.  Sometimes I wish I saw people for who they really are, rather than their potential.  It always turns out to be the potential to be my idea of perfection and of what they should be. 

Sometimes I wish I could have another chance to say mean things to those who've hurt me.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have that wish anymore.  I seek some kind of closure, I suppose.  No, I'm not dwelling on the past... I just really want to kick them in the nuts.  :)

Sometimes I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier... or wish my hair was longer, darker, straight, that my eyes were blue, etc. .. and then I feel guilty when I look in the mirror and I love what I see.  It's like I've cheated on myself.  I love myself and yet, I let these fantasies arise.  Isn't that our nature?  I'm a cheater. 

Sometimes I wish everything made more sense.  I wish I could do a car wheel.  I wish and wish.  I wish I didn't wish at all.  Not to be mediocre, but to just explore, understand, appreciate and love the things exaclty the way they are. 

Sometimes I find myself lying.  I hate myself for it because I claim to be an honest person.  But there I am, digging myself in big holes.  Yeah, you better not trust me.  Fuck, I don't even trust myself sometimes.  Stay away, I'm probably going to do something stupid if you start expecting so much out of me. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so used to saying 'Yes'.  I wish I wasn't as condescending.  I wish I was more in harmony with my instincts and true desires. 

Sometimes I wish it was him, I wish he was the one, to prove my theories wrong, I wish he looked like this, made me feel like that, blah blah blah. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't sound so stupid talking about love and relationships... 'cause yes, I can see the contradictions.  Oh well.

sometimes... I gotta stop writing 'cause i gotta get ready to go see "Twilight".... which makes me really happy and excited!!!! and makes me forget whatever the heck I was trying to say.... haaaahahaha I love this!