Another Dream

Another Dream of my Old Home

I just woke up from a long nap.  I don't know what it is... but I had that dream again.  I dreamed that I was at a party... somewhere.  I was with some of my old high school friends (Jorge Diaz and Jorge Castillo).  We were happy to be together again after so long; there were other people with us.  After the party... we wanted to go have some drinks and food at one of the girl's house.  I suggested that we headed to my house.  We were driving on a big van... on "Libertad" Road.  It was the street I grew up in (in Rio Bravo, Mexico).  I told them to go straight.  There it was!  My old big and beloved house!  The girl insisted that we went to her house on the next block but then the driver pulled over at mine.  I was overwhelmed.  I hadn't seen this house in so long.  We headed in and I noticed that there were some young kids around the house.  They were very young and misterious and it was very dark (in the middle of the night!)  I started to get worried about it.  I felt like they threaten me.  As the others headed into the house, I silently came out to see the kids.  I found them hiding by the side of the house with some bricks on their hands.  I questioned them, but I was so worried that they could hurt me that I invited them in.  They seemed to be ashamed and accepted my invite.  As we all headed in, the other girl who was with us told me that there was another little girl that was always seen wandering around the neighborhood... but she was out of sight now.  We all headed towards the door... and then I woke up! Every time I dream about this house... it's mostly something similar.  I see myself outside the house, wanting so much to be inside... but I never get to!  Me and my house... that's my most repetitive dream.  I wonder why.  I think I seek some sort of closure, or maybe deep down it was a big loss in my life as a child.  Today was a challenging day... today I felt I lost something... and perhaps it triggered my subconscious.  That house looks so different now; I've driven by it when I visit my hometown and every single time I feel a strong desire to enter.  I wonder who lives there now and if they still see all the little details I loved about it.  Perhaps it has changed so much;  The floors on some of the rooms weren't completely finished and some of the paint from the walls had fallen on the cement... creating circles and other shapes.  I remember finding figures on the paint and naming them.  There was a big smiling moon (that maybe only I could see) on the bathroom wall.  There were some similey dancing ants along the side.  I miss something about that house. Oh well, I'm sure I'll dream it again very soon... it always happenes at least once a month.  

Erasing Memories

Erasing Memories

"… and you shouldn't want to forget.  Those experiences have made you who you are." -he said.
"No! trust me, I do want to forget.  Even if it meant that I would be more immature or more naïve now…. I don't care!" - I replied.

There are moments when I think I am completely over it.  There are moments when I feel so happy and strong… like I've moved on completely.  Then something happens… something simple and negative in my "new life" and it triggers my memories.  The feeling of failure comes back and it appears like every little thing that goes wrong in my life now, is added to the pain of the past experiences; like a big snowball getting bigger and bigger as time goes by.  Surprisingly, it hurts more now than it did then… perhaps I am seeing things I blinded myself of before  I don't know how to let go.  The things that go wrong nowadays are nothing compared to what I've been through; they aren't deep enough, bad enough, hard enough, cruel enough, yet they become salt in the wound that hasn't yet healed (no matter how hard I try to fight it… it hasn't).  Not only has it not healded, but it is now infected.  I can't even cry anymore… I just find myself lost in thought and blank. 

At first the pain was mostly about him, about missing him, still wanting him, forgiving everything he did and then feeling unhappy for deceiving myself.  Now, it's like I'm against myself for doing so many things wrong… things against him, but more importantly… things against myself.  Losing my dignity for what I thought was love is something that I haven't learned to deal with.  I still find myself with the same pattern of thought than before. It's like a disease and I don't know how to reach out, get help or how to train myself to act differently.  I do not know if I have any self confidence… I do not know if it's based on true love of myself or if it's just a mask I know I need to wear to earn people's affection, admiration and/or company.

Why do I still feel so lost?  Where is it that I must go to grow past this?  A mountain peak and talk to a wise old man like they say in the books? LOL.  Why haven't the new friendships fulfilled the emptiness?  I know it has nothing to do with others (what I must do or attain), I know it's within me. Yet, I don't know how… what…or where to look.  Many will say I should turn to God.  God has given me my heart and mind and the capacity to figure things out on my own.  His influence is powerful, yet, He wants me to learn.  I have, I think, every single day… in some way or another asked Him for help.  Perhaps I haven't been still enough to capture the voice of His spirit.  Or perhaps I have ignored it by my own convictions and "knowledge."  ?

Do we go all through this?  Who knows the answers?  Therapy? Time, huh?  Time heals it all… positive thoughts… a new perspective… change… effort… hope… faith?

I turn around and see them all going through the same pain, the same discouragement and sadness.  They all bear a wound in their hearts, and still somehow blame themselves for what happened.  Why do we do that?  I wish I was stronger and wiser.  I wish  could help them and tell them how to move on… how to forget the past.  I wish there existed a place where you could take all the little things that remind you of the past, where they would plug you to some sort of machine and the doctor magically erased all your memories (like in that movie… what's it called?). Haha.  But no, life is life and we must learn to love it past the struggles.  I know things could be way worse and that I must feel blessed and thankful for the life I've been given… which is indeed wonderful and amazing.  It's just a bump on the road… I will let go some day and things will be better.  I know there is someone who loves me very much, who understands the pain… I know he went through it all… suffered it all and knows that there is still love and happiness awaiting.  I will get better… I will strive to have faith and hope.

Just venting I guess.

Susana

My Own Language

Sometimes

Sometimes, I just want to invent my own language to say things I need to get off my chest, knowing that nobody will ever understand them.  Seeking some sort of relief, yet, not exposing myself so much that people will think they have the right to express their "constructive criticism," which in reality is always a disguised negative judgement.

Sometimes I just want to die.  No, I'm not a depressed suicidal, I just want to know what's really out there, what's really next... but I love it here so much that I can't let that curiosity grow inside my head.

Sometimes I get so tired of the way people want to control everything.  What we do, what we eat, what we buy, what we believe... geez, even what we think!  Isn't it frustrating that the moment you start thinking for yourself, no longer living to please other people's expectations.... you find yourself tagged with so many negative labels and even punished to an extent for loving yourself enough to make your own decisions, your own rules... ? ? ?

Sometimes I question everything I've been taught.  Sometimes I find that my own conclusions make me happier than the resolutions of the rest of the world around me.  Can I say fuck off to those who've tried to mold my essence?

Sometimes I want to sleep for days... Sometimes I want to stay awake all night... all day... all the time.  I don't want to miss a thing.  Sometimes I wonder where my heart is?  Why is it that when we love ourselves we generate this destructive idea that we're being selfish and that we need to put others before ourselves?

Can I be honest here?  I'm not about to fall in love... as far as I'm concerned, those who say they're in love will sooner or later cheat, get bored, go away, or fuck everything up.  What's the point of living an illusion?  It's like watching cartoons and believing there are people out there with a purple face who own talking dogs.

Sometimes I wish I could get away with this blog without people thinking I'm a bitter, pessimistic bitch.  The reality is... I'm very happy and positive.  I'm in the process of becoming a realist.  This is my time, and my transformation.  And who knows... this might all be a brain fart and not even real.  This isn't really me exploding into a rebellious feminist or anythinng like that.  I still have values, and I'm restructuring them to leave only those that are really mine.

Sometimes I wish there was complete silence all around me.  Sometimes I wish I saw people for who they really are, rather than their potential.  It always turns out to be the potential to be my idea of perfection and of what they should be. 

Sometimes I wish I could have another chance to say mean things to those who've hurt me.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have that wish anymore.  I seek some kind of closure, I suppose.  No, I'm not dwelling on the past... I just really want to kick them in the nuts.  :)

Sometimes I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier... or wish my hair was longer, darker, straight, that my eyes were blue, etc. .. and then I feel guilty when I look in the mirror and I love what I see.  It's like I've cheated on myself.  I love myself and yet, I let these fantasies arise.  Isn't that our nature?  I'm a cheater. 

Sometimes I wish everything made more sense.  I wish I could do a car wheel.  I wish and wish.  I wish I didn't wish at all.  Not to be mediocre, but to just explore, understand, appreciate and love the things exaclty the way they are. 

Sometimes I find myself lying.  I hate myself for it because I claim to be an honest person.  But there I am, digging myself in big holes.  Yeah, you better not trust me.  Fuck, I don't even trust myself sometimes.  Stay away, I'm probably going to do something stupid if you start expecting so much out of me. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so used to saying 'Yes'.  I wish I wasn't as condescending.  I wish I was more in harmony with my instincts and true desires. 

Sometimes I wish it was him, I wish he was the one, to prove my theories wrong, I wish he looked like this, made me feel like that, blah blah blah. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't sound so stupid talking about love and relationships... 'cause yes, I can see the contradictions.  Oh well.

sometimes... I gotta stop writing 'cause i gotta get ready to go see "Twilight".... which makes me really happy and excited!!!! and makes me forget whatever the heck I was trying to say.... haaaahahaha I love this! 

How Dare You?

How Dare You... ?

How dare you?

How dare you demand respect, when all you do is stab with your lies?  It isn't confidence… it's pride.   It isn't strength, it's corruption.  You don't deserve respect… you don't deserve that kind of love.  I doubt you'll ever understand how serious your mistake is.  How dare you speak of honor, when your actions reveal your cruelty? Will you ever learn?  Will you ever grow up?  You're close or past your thirties, with nothing but material things to offer… things that don't improve the soul.  How sad... you're lame.  How dare you say you love your children so much, when the example you set before them is disgusting and vain? You say there's nothing more important in your life but their happiness, yet instead of praying with them every night,  you're out there seeking action and risking it all for minutes of pleasure.  It's sad... you're lost.   How dare you declare yourself a man, when you can't make just one special woman happy?  You count the woman you've gotten in bed… and you forget the number of them who cried for you.  How dare you feel good about yourself after all you've done?  How dare you be proud of your personal  accomplishments, when you've forgotten to do good and serve others?  Do you realize how selfish you've become?  Does the pain you've inflicted to others mean anything to you?  So sad... you're evil.  Do you realize that the reason why many love you, isn't your righteous essence, but theirs? When will you wake up and understand?  You think you know God… but if you did you'd strive to be a little more like Him.  You look for vain treasures in this world, you forsake your family and those whose love is worth it.   When will you ever learn?  When will you change?  Oh poor you… I'll always say:  One day you will wake up alone, with your good years gone, no one around, no one with you.  The reflection you'll see in the mirror will disgust you… and you will want to run and disappear.  You'll realize your actions lead you there.  Or perhaps... perhaps you'll still be surrounded by those who'll still love you despite your imperfections and mistakes: those who forgave you.  You'll still have her there by your side, and your children will forgive your negligence… but that day for sure you'll realize, that it's too late to heal their wounds.   That day, when you finally see their scars and you realize it was you who caused them… that day you'll want to die.  It is sad.

Collapsing Dreams

Collapsing Dreams

I see my dreams collapsing before my eyes. 
I see the way out too.
The weakness freezes me and I stay still
staring at the mess I let myself fall for. 
A ray of hope lies close to my heart. 
I always knew my dreams would not be found in the trash. 
Why did I even look?
Scarce are the people whose heart's strong enough to feel true love.
Scarce are the people whose will is strong enough to not give up.

As I read one of my previous blogs about my decision to move to Utah, I realized how different things have turned out for me now that I'm here.  I remembered the dreams and expectations I had for my life in Utah; most importantly, I remembered the feeling I couldn't put into words at the time.  I felt excitement and fear; I was full of hope.  I thought I had gone through enough pain and that it was time for a new start in a new place, where through my actions and a new attitude I would find peace and joy.  Did I lose the focus? Did I get side tracked?  Indeed.  My sister once told me that one of my struggles is knowing exactly where I want to go, but not willing to walk the path which will lead me there.  I try to find the easiest way… things just don't go right… it doesn't happen like that.  I haven't overcome this.

I can't say I'm depressed, sad, unhappy, or angry.  The feeling is more like discouragement… but not strong enough to keep me down.  I feel like I've known all along the things I must do, now I just have to find strength again to fight for the outcome I've always dreamed of. Great things don't come easily and we must learn and be strong to stand up and fight for them.  I've encountered lame versions of what I had in mind and it's all because I've been looking in the wrong places.   I've let my eyes and ears be fooled by lies and words of those who aren't worth my time at all.  Things are about to change though.  I can do so much better than this.

I realize that no matter how cruel reality may be, my good intentions and dreams won't vanish. No matter how others treat me, I'll never be the one to seek revenge.  I still trust, I still love… I still forgive.  I can't change my divine nature and I'm no longer going to try, just to appear like the stronger, smarter woman.  Being loving and forgiving isn't being weak, it's in fact an act of true emotional strength.  I long for those things that can't be touched… those things that not many can describe.  I know the day will come when I find what I'm looking for… and it will all make sense then. 

Desahogo Sin Sentido

Desahogo Sin Sentido

"sobrevivire!!!! buscare un hogar... dentro los escombros de mi soledad."

Blah Blah

Creo en el amor… lo ingenua no se me quita… pareze que me bajaron de la sierra a tamborazos y no dejo de sonar.  La vida es corta, y eso lo se, pero pierdo tiempo durmiendo y sonando despierta.  Las cosquillas me desesperan.  El perder el control de mi, de mis sentimientos me purga.  Creo que hay duendes en algun lugar del mundo.  El agua me llena de vida, y ni siquiera se nadar.  No me gusta tener frio, me siento sola y con miedo.  Los hombres son iguales entre si, y tan diferentes a nosotras las buenas.  Las amigas son lo mejor.  La familia es lo maximo.  Los bebes son latosos, me gusta poder devolverselos a sus padres.  Sone que un bebe se cagaba y la popo rodaba por el piso.  Estare traumada?  Ya lo creo.  Extrano a ciertos amigos que he perdido por pendeja.  Creo que nunca volvere a ser lo que realmente nunca fui sino solo aparente.  Creo que ya no quiero ser eso, pues era solo por conveniencia.  Pero al final de cuentas, uno no recibe lo que quiere, ni siqueira lo que merece… siempre es algo mas, algo loco, algo absurdo o cruel.  A la fregada todo! Que lo tuyo chica! Jajajajajaja.  La musica me prende, los juegos en la feria aun me emocionan, la cama siempre se me antoja, y Arjona me da vida.  He abandonado y he sido abandonada.  He sido despreciada y he sido amada como loca.  Sone que vivia en un drama de novela, donde mi amado era apartado de mi por mi padre.  Sone que tenia ojos azules pero que mi cara estaba vieja.  Sone que mi hijo conocia a su padre ya siendo un hombre… y que el lloraba.  Gosh, creo que dormi mucho.  Estoy amodorrada…. Si, dormi 11 horas.  Estoy cansada todavia, y harta de la vida.  No es el sueno como la muerte?  Un descanso de la vida?  No lo creo… cuando hay suenos asi que me agotan aun mas de lo que los pinches dias ya consiguieron.  Para que la gente miente?  Por que perder el tiempo con tanta mierda?  Si, aun me encabronan los idiotas que me hacen perder minutos, mas aun semanas, y esos que me hacen perder anos, a esos los maldigo.  Quiero dormir de nuevo.  Solo queria escribir esto que no tiene sentido, y ya se… como son las cosas en mi cabeza.  Despues voy a tener que borrarlo o cambiarlo.  Me siento bien desesperada.  Quisiera agarrar mis cosas e irme a casa… pero no a Indiana… entonces?  Donde fregados es mi casa?  Por que estoy viviendo este b reakdown cuando me siento tan plena?... Mmmm un libro acaba de caerme del cielo! Bueno, no, se cayo del librero… se llama Women and Money…Sera un mensaje del cielo?  Estoy endeudada hasta las pestanas! Jajajjajajaja. Me vale! Tengo tanto! Tengo todo! Solo estoy incomoda… pero todo terminara.  Quiero que este idiota venga por sus cosas que dejo en mi closet.  Resulta un peligro tenerlas aqui.  Pero se por que lo hizo… pinche astuto.  No voy a caer Jajajajajajaja.  Amo mi cuarto.  Siento algo de paz.  "Cada amanecer me derrumbo al ver la puta realidad; no hay en el mundo no, nadie mas fragil que yo."  Jajajaja que casualidad….  "No han en el mundo no, nadie mas dura que yo!!!!!!!!!!!"

no frieguen ok? no quiero comentarios en este blog! buahahahahahaha