I Wanna...

I wanna be myself tonight
Your arms are not a place to hide
I wanna be the shadow of your tears
Fight like a soldier against all your fears

I wanna dance covered in sweat
Having you so close, gasping for air
I wanna wake you up to life
I wanna fill you up with pride

I wanna see you dripping down my hips
Wanna see you kissing every inch
I wanna cry so hard at last
Knowing you won't stay just in my past

I wanna know you're here to stay
Wanna hear you say she can't compare
I wanna feel you hug my waist
I'll hold you tight, can't turn away

I wanna be your secret
More than I want to discover it
I wanna be your weakness
And your eternal lover

Perfect Hand

Had a dream about you the other night

Don't remember much of it,
But the deep blue color in your eyes
It felt intense, no words were said
Just like that time we said goodbye

You were long gone before I realized
The possibility of having found the one
My conclusions were wrong, too late, I know
But I can't help it, I miss your touch

Why do we go around in circles
Pretending life is all right?
Why do we go around in circles
Ignoring what's keeping us alive?

Why do we go around in circles
When we know this isn't right?
Why do we go around in circles
When we were dealt a perfect hand?

Why do we settle for what's against us?
How can we let this close our minds?
If were dealt a perfect hand.

Had a dream about you the other day
I was packing my things, you asked me to stay
Surely a dream, I try to convince myself
To not deal with the fact, that I made a mistake

You were long gone before I realized
The possibility of having it all
Conclusions were wrong, too late, I know
But I can't help it, baby I miss your touch

Why do we go around in circles
Pretending life is all right?
Why do we go around in circles
Ignoring what's keeping us alive?

Why do we go around in circles
When we know this isn't right?
Why do we go around in circles
When we were dealt a perfect hand?

Why do we settle for what's against us?
How can we let this close our minds?
If were dealt a perfect hand

We were dealt a perfect hand

Lit Again

I don't know exactly how or why. I know I used to hate it... Until I learned to love it.  It's the intensity in which I experience every feeling, the extremes, and how this shapes me.  I can't hide from what I've felt, as much as I do from what I know.  All I know is I'm in it... awake.  I can feel the light inside of me... Lit again.

The Light

A while back...


The light...
Inside of me... It's gone off.
I can't turn it back on.
I need to find a way to...
This isn't about love anymore.
It's more about life.
I can't find it in me anymore.
I don't know why I'm writing you.
Perhaps because you were the last one who saw it... Or at least you were there the last time I saw it.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you have any idea?
Were you really there? At all? Ever?
Did I ever make sense?
Am I wrong to think you understood me?
Anyway... The light...
Not about love, or desire, or passion...
It's the light of life... Of hope.
It's gone.

And I miss you.
I still do.
I think of you.
And sometimes I think I love you...
Although I more often hate you.

I replay in my head the happy moments, then this doubt invades my mind...
I really start to question if it really happened.

And then I say the things my mom would say... Or my sisters would say...

You're a strong woman.
You're young and beautiful...
You'll find happiness some day.

As if that changed anything...

As if it turned my light back on.

But it doesn't.

There's no way to comfort something that sees no pain...
The lack of light makes it impossible to see anything.
No pain, no scars, no fear...
Not even your face.

Good bye baby.

Numb

I haven't been able to think... let alone write.  It was disappointing to realize that as time passes by, even though you would expect the experiences to become deeper, more intense, more meaningful... they became simply plain.  I don't feel anything anymore; they leave me numb. 

No, I can't think... and I no longer want to think.  I have no inspiration to write it all out like I used to.  I have nothing new to say, I guess.  I don't even want to.  I'm not trying to hold on to any feeling... I'm not trying to let go either (there is no feeling).  There is just nothing more inside of me. I fear my heart has hardened.  I fear I've become just too indifferent... Like I've died.  The idea of death... so intriguing at some point due to the pain, now just so inviting due to the boredom.  Numbness. 

I know I can't claim innosence these days... and it saddens me because it was what once sparked my imagination.  So many things I wanted to experience, so eager to grow up and live.  I've lived, allright.  (Or perhaps not enough?)  I don't know it all... the older I get, the more I realize there is to know and to learn.  I know nothing.  No, it's not getting harder... it's just getting... boring.

I miss the energy of before... the ideas, the intensity of the feelings, the passion of the anger, the excitement of the hope.  I don't know where it all went... maybe I never will.  I am not healing anymore... but I am not yet healed.  I am numb.  I am blank.  I am fine.  I walk alone or along... and I don't even see the difference.  It's just... cold, and gloomy, and plain, and boring.  There are no more mountains, there are no more words, or letters, or smiles, or friends, or interesting people, or mentors to learn from, or hidden meanings, or mysteries... There is no more waiting...  I am no longer waiting.

There is no more adventure.  But I miss it.  I miss knowing that I was looking for something... Now... I'm just standing.... but  not in a "I'm-still-standing-strong" kinda way... almost literally just standing there with all my emptiness.  Seeing the world pass me by... with no more tears, no more pain, no more questions, no more hope... just numb. 

Fallen

Waking up covered in sweat
Perhaps they were my lonesome tears
what wet my face, my skin
Wishing I could sleep away my fears

I try to run, I try to walk
Lying to myself, my head up high
as if this heart didn't still hurt
as if it had ceased to cry

Unsure of what was real
I try to grasp what seemed surreal
Wondering if I dreamed it all
If Love indeed transformed me

Wondering too if I could move on
Leaving the fears and scars behind
Hoping to find in a new air my home
Naive I thought home's what your arms behold

Freedom

I’ve realized that I’ve mistakenly rejected or avoided those very few who have or had the ability to understand me.  Perhaps it was my fear to feel exposed, or vulnerable to someone who inevitably would have great power over me.  I know it must've been insecurity, but the loss of control (or what I perceived as that) wasn't something I was ready for.  Instead I chose to be around those who only underestimated me.  Disappointment was nothing but a deserved result.  I was so dependent to feeling safe.  I always prided myself in my accomplishments, or my independence, thinking that it only entailed self-sufficiency.  Little did I know that I was nothing but a slave: a slave of my own fears and erroneous ideas.  Now, I am a work in progress, I have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm closer as now I understand what freedom really means.  

I always thought that independence guaranteed freedom; I still do, but my understanding of independence has completely changed.  I associated independence with having money, things or means (or not having to rely on someone else's financial support to survive).  I was wrong; turns out you’re never as free as when you find yourself with nothing.  Not one thing at all to hold you down… to cut your wings.  Not owing anything... but also not owning anything.  Independence is about your insights, your self-reflection, your stimulus to live.  If you don’t know yourself, if you don’t have absolute control of your thoughts, feelings and ideas, things like cars, money, clothes can enslave you and keep you exactly where you are, forever.   Letting go of the materialistic possessions, letting go of trivial concerns –those which society injects into our minds- to seek a higher purpose, a deeper meaning, a better understanding of your own existence… that’s where freedom lies.  Being able to run free, move to a new city, find a way to travel the world, to disappear, to let go of it all, to choose your thoughts, to choose yourself, to control what you feel, to live happy by choice, to know who you are and love yourself for just that; now that’s freedom, and that's what I see now as the independence I'm striving for.