I haven't been able to think... let alone write. It was disappointing to realize that as time passes by, even though you would expect the experiences to become deeper, more intense, more meaningful... they became simply plain. I don't feel anything anymore; they leave me numb.
No, I can't think... and I no longer want to think. I have no inspiration to write it all out like I used to. I have nothing new to say, I guess. I don't even want to. I'm not trying to hold on to any feeling... I'm not trying to let go either (there is no feeling). There is just nothing more inside of me. I fear my heart has hardened. I fear I've become just too indifferent... Like I've died. The idea of death... so intriguing at some point due to the pain, now just so inviting due to the boredom. Numbness.
I know I can't claim innosence these days... and it saddens me because it was what once sparked my imagination. So many things I wanted to experience, so eager to grow up and live. I've lived, allright. (Or perhaps not enough?) I don't know it all... the older I get, the more I realize there is to know and to learn. I know nothing. No, it's not getting harder... it's just getting... boring.
I miss the energy of before... the ideas, the intensity of the feelings, the passion of the anger, the excitement of the hope. I don't know where it all went... maybe I never will. I am not healing anymore... but I am not yet healed. I am numb. I am blank. I am fine. I walk alone or along... and I don't even see the difference. It's just... cold, and gloomy, and plain, and boring. There are no more mountains, there are no more words, or letters, or smiles, or friends, or interesting people, or mentors to learn from, or hidden meanings, or mysteries... There is no more waiting... I am no longer waiting.
There is no more adventure. But I miss it. I miss knowing that I was looking for something... Now... I'm just standing.... but not in a "I'm-still-standing-strong" kinda way... almost literally just standing there with all my emptiness. Seeing the world pass me by... with no more tears, no more pain, no more questions, no more hope... just numb.
Times and seasons come and go, in between there are just moments. Moments we like to hold on or let go, moments we wanna remember and those we wish we could erase away like the way waves does to the sea shores. All these moments we feel somehow connected or wired to all the things our lives bring forth.
ReplyDeleteTears, fears, laughter, confidence, pain, joy, indifference, excitement and yes even the numbness you speak of they come and go. But they shape us as individual because of the situations we live everyday. No matter how big a storm can be, the strength to withstand it has to come structurally from within. This is the same as no person can break another without the unwillingness of that person to stand their ground. You as a whole person are much bigger than the parts of you...the material possessions, the feelings, the ideas, the purposes and everything else.
I guess what I'm saying is nobody can build you up and tear you down except you and God. However, the perils of error in judgement are quientessential to our perception of life each individual lives everyday.
In my life, I have ups and downs and still have them....not perfect, not flawless and never an idealist although I have come close to it....but I don't give up on what God can do in my life or even myself. You can stand but sometimes it's not you who is rather God is holding you up, you leaning on him......there's light at the end of the tunnel!