Perfect Hand

Had a dream about you the other night

Don't remember much of it,
But the deep blue color in your eyes
It felt intense, no words were said
Just like that time we said goodbye

You were long gone before I realized
The possibility of having found the one
My conclusions were wrong, too late, I know
But I can't help it, I miss your touch

Why do we go around in circles
Pretending life is all right?
Why do we go around in circles
Ignoring what's keeping us alive?

Why do we go around in circles
When we know this isn't right?
Why do we go around in circles
When we were dealt a perfect hand?

Why do we settle for what's against us?
How can we let this close our minds?
If were dealt a perfect hand.

Had a dream about you the other day
I was packing my things, you asked me to stay
Surely a dream, I try to convince myself
To not deal with the fact, that I made a mistake

You were long gone before I realized
The possibility of having it all
Conclusions were wrong, too late, I know
But I can't help it, baby I miss your touch

Why do we go around in circles
Pretending life is all right?
Why do we go around in circles
Ignoring what's keeping us alive?

Why do we go around in circles
When we know this isn't right?
Why do we go around in circles
When we were dealt a perfect hand?

Why do we settle for what's against us?
How can we let this close our minds?
If were dealt a perfect hand

We were dealt a perfect hand

Lit Again

I don't know exactly how or why. I know I used to hate it... Until I learned to love it.  It's the intensity in which I experience every feeling, the extremes, and how this shapes me.  I can't hide from what I've felt, as much as I do from what I know.  All I know is I'm in it... awake.  I can feel the light inside of me... Lit again.

The Light

A while back...


The light...
Inside of me... It's gone off.
I can't turn it back on.
I need to find a way to...
This isn't about love anymore.
It's more about life.
I can't find it in me anymore.
I don't know why I'm writing you.
Perhaps because you were the last one who saw it... Or at least you were there the last time I saw it.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Do you have any idea?
Were you really there? At all? Ever?
Did I ever make sense?
Am I wrong to think you understood me?
Anyway... The light...
Not about love, or desire, or passion...
It's the light of life... Of hope.
It's gone.

And I miss you.
I still do.
I think of you.
And sometimes I think I love you...
Although I more often hate you.

I replay in my head the happy moments, then this doubt invades my mind...
I really start to question if it really happened.

And then I say the things my mom would say... Or my sisters would say...

You're a strong woman.
You're young and beautiful...
You'll find happiness some day.

As if that changed anything...

As if it turned my light back on.

But it doesn't.

There's no way to comfort something that sees no pain...
The lack of light makes it impossible to see anything.
No pain, no scars, no fear...
Not even your face.

Good bye baby.

Numb

I haven't been able to think... let alone write.  It was disappointing to realize that as time passes by, even though you would expect the experiences to become deeper, more intense, more meaningful... they became simply plain.  I don't feel anything anymore; they leave me numb. 

No, I can't think... and I no longer want to think.  I have no inspiration to write it all out like I used to.  I have nothing new to say, I guess.  I don't even want to.  I'm not trying to hold on to any feeling... I'm not trying to let go either (there is no feeling).  There is just nothing more inside of me. I fear my heart has hardened.  I fear I've become just too indifferent... Like I've died.  The idea of death... so intriguing at some point due to the pain, now just so inviting due to the boredom.  Numbness. 

I know I can't claim innosence these days... and it saddens me because it was what once sparked my imagination.  So many things I wanted to experience, so eager to grow up and live.  I've lived, allright.  (Or perhaps not enough?)  I don't know it all... the older I get, the more I realize there is to know and to learn.  I know nothing.  No, it's not getting harder... it's just getting... boring.

I miss the energy of before... the ideas, the intensity of the feelings, the passion of the anger, the excitement of the hope.  I don't know where it all went... maybe I never will.  I am not healing anymore... but I am not yet healed.  I am numb.  I am blank.  I am fine.  I walk alone or along... and I don't even see the difference.  It's just... cold, and gloomy, and plain, and boring.  There are no more mountains, there are no more words, or letters, or smiles, or friends, or interesting people, or mentors to learn from, or hidden meanings, or mysteries... There is no more waiting...  I am no longer waiting.

There is no more adventure.  But I miss it.  I miss knowing that I was looking for something... Now... I'm just standing.... but  not in a "I'm-still-standing-strong" kinda way... almost literally just standing there with all my emptiness.  Seeing the world pass me by... with no more tears, no more pain, no more questions, no more hope... just numb.