Today I had a thought. I have been receiving advice about this and I think I'm beginning to understand it a little bit better. It's about our hearts... our broken hearts. I used to believe that if I was over him, it meant that my heart was completely healed. I thought that because I didn't need him anymore, or didn't miss him anymore... I was okay. I thought I was ready for love again. What I am beginning to understand is that when our hearts are broken, when we truly feel the pain of a loss, or a relationship failure, even when we get over the person... it doesn't mean our heart has been healed. We build up a wall around our heart to protect us from being hurt again. I never thought I could have my heart so protected, or "guarded," since I always found myself looking for true love, or looking for that special one, wanting to be in a relationship. I've come to understand that although I was dating, meeting people, talking to guys... I was always hesitant and closed up. I always felt insecure about the outcome of the interactions with these men. I found myself blaming them for this or that, and how it just never worked out. I know now that I was responsible for many or most of these "failures." It's been about three years since I've been in a relationship, and I can honestly say that it's been because of the me and my pattern of thinking. My fears, my insecurities, my doubts, the walls around my heart... it's all beginning to make sense. I know it takes time to heal, but more importantly, it takes being aware of this... understanding truly why we close up, why we build these walls and understanding how important it is to be willing to tear them down, expanding our hearts, opening up to those around us and not miss out on opportunities of getting to know great people... to build everlasting friendships, and maybe even good relationships.
"Remember we are the keepers of the gates of our heart and if we will open and love and allow that to be returned we will know joy such as we have never known before."
This quote, I'm not sure who said it... but it was shared to me by a very special friend. It has been in my mind since I heard it. I know this is something I, and each of you is capable of doing. If you feel like you're closing up your heart, even if you're in a relationship, and you find yourself not happy, or not giving the best of yourself to your partner, it's probably because there are walls around your heart as well. It is my wish that we may all understand, learn and grow by tearing them down, by loving others around us, by talking to strangers more, by trusting others more. If there are people out there who are going to take advantage of us and our trust, "it is their responsibility to show us, not us to find out." We will be happier if we trust... it's not being naive or stupid, it's being of good character and wise.
I know it doesn't happen over night... I know I'm still working on myself. I know I have not completely let go of my old thoughts or fears, but I am working on it, I am learning to let go and open my heart... I am working on tearing down those walls... but they've been there for so many years that I just have to take my time and don't give up.
My hope with this and every blog I write is that you, whoever's reading this, might maybe learn, be inspired, or even just invited to think about things that are important in this life... maybe not so important to me or the next person, but important to YOU. It is my wish that I can somehow help or influence others positively. I know I am no expert or a role model of perfection, I am just someone who likes to ponder upon things and share my thoughts with those around me.
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