Once Again

So it happened once again.  I thought I was strong, I thought I had it all together; I thought this would never happen to me again.  I thought my past experiences were meaningful enough for me to grow out of certain behaviors.  I guess you can’t always have everything under control, even your own attitudes and actions.  I guess sometimes love will just come along and there’s nothing you can to do about it.  If it’s meant to be, it will find its way (right?)… and although most times it isn’t, there will be a way to grow out of it, to forget and move on.  The thing I notice is that each time it happens, a part of me is lost.  Perhaps I lose innocence, or just my dream of life becomes less and less real and more and more unreachable.  I lose enthusiasm and hope.  I remember making the decision, I remember the hesitation I felt about going forward with this feeling, I remember being able to control my thoughts and my feelings towards him, I remember not wanting to be with him and the reasons behind it.  Then I let my dreams of love come into play, I started visualizing what I was doubtful about, I let my guard down, I trusted and gave in.  I fell for him.  I knew better, I remembered the reasons why I don’t fall for anyone anymore, yet I ignored them all.  I thought I had a chance at something great.  This is what happens though… this is the reason why I don’t fall so quickly anymore. My doubts and fears exist for a reason.  I don’t even think it was worth it at all, and I'm glad it didn't last long.   Now I’m sure everything he said was unreal.  No, I wouldn’t say he lied… perhaps he believed the words he said, perhaps he thought there was a feeling when in reality there was nothing there; nothing real, nothing tangible, nothing concise or genuine.  It was more of an expression of his discontentment for his luck.  It was a way to prove himself; it was the need of some sort of assertion or validation of his truths.  Yeah, yeah… the “I’ve been hurt and nobody I love ever treats me right” kind of thing.  Well it turns out that it is only truth because when he is indeed loved, he cannot handle it, he walks away, because finding the love that he proclaims to long for and want for his life, is something he’s not ready to embrace.  He doesn’t trust it himself, he stops "loving" when he is loved the way he claims to want to be loved.  It’s unfair and hypocritical.  It’s life, I suppose.  I can’t control the way other people feel towards life, towards love or towards me.  I can only move on and don’t let things like this put me down.  I know who I am, and the love I can offer myself should, is, and will be enough for me to be happy.  There is this song that says that we waste our life looking for that ultimate happiness that we forget to embrace and enjoy the small joys of life, which in all truth, is where happiness dwells. I have so many joyful moments that it would be ungrateful of me to whine about stuff like this.  This happens, it’s life… It’s really not a big deal.  There is just so much more ahead of me... I can't wait to be back on my feet!  He’s just one more person in the world I loved, but my heart is way too big for me to think that there won’t be anyone else.  I remember the first time I had my heart broken... I felt so sad and lost.  I remember my sister saying to me that one day I was going to look back and be thankful that I didn't end up with that person... back then, the pain blurred my vision and I didn't believe her.  Now, I look back and I am indeed so grateful at the turn of events and how everything worked itself out.  I know I will feel the same way -in time- about this situation. Yes, everything’s ok.  I am okay and I am still blessed, it just sucks to realize that we can’t have everything we want.  We can’t be with everyone we love.  What’s left to do?  Wait it out and move on.  It’s okay.  I always think in the back of my head that I’m not the one who’s missing out.  I don’t mean it in a selfish or conceited way, but more on a self-reflective way.  I know I am strong enough to make myself happy, since after all, I’m the only person capable of doing that