Emotional vs. Assertive

"It’s a problem if we’re emotional, it’s a problem if we’re unemotional… we can’t win. As for me, I err on the side of unemotional. How about you ladies? Ever been called an ice queen before? How about you gents? Ever been with an ice queen? Was it good/bad? I’m just curious because it really feels like we can’t win!” (Katana- online posting).

Ayy! My night of research will turn into a blog in a few more hours... It's time to take care of ourselves and find the equilibrium. We are not ice queens, but we ARE smart enough to be logical/assertive/rational individuals with enough self-respect and love to overcome whatever it is that represents a threat to our "mental" health. (Yes, I intentionally avoided the word "emotional."). Argh! LOL  Read on… (Susana).

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I’ve been chatting with a couple friends tonight about a very interesting topic (well, at least interesting to us).  Are women capable of being logical/rational individuals?  Or are we doomed to be the stereotypical (Ok, I know this is more than just a stereotype, but you know what I mean!) emotional/illogical/irrational creatures we are?  This all triggered a desire to research the topic a little further.  No, not too deep because it’s late and I don’t really want to be up all night reading about the chemical/biochemical (?) differences within the brain or body between men and woman which are probably the cause of our emotional differences.  Although, if you are interested in learning more about it, I have a book to recommend: the problem is, I read it in Spanish and I have no idea what the name of it is in English, and I don’t even know in what language if was originally written.  Anyway, the book is called “Que Hago Si Mi Media Naranja es Toronja?”   Mmmm, ok… anyway, back to what I was saying;   So… can women be, or better yet, become unemotional/rational/logical beings? 

"Estrogen just doesn't come with little logic capsules."

There is no doubt that men are different from women.  Some say that we are different so we can complement each other, or that opposites attract, and that’s how it’s supposed to be… blah blah blah.  These days though -instead of healthy partnerships- the differences between us are creating more problems.  It’s harder to be in a healthy and stable relationship now than it was 50 years ago.   The increasing divorce rate is not the only problem we’re seeing these days; the difficulty of building a strong/constructive relationship, relationship fraud, and pseudo-relationships are also on the list.

When I say relationship fraud, I am not talking about your partner running away with your money or having given you a fake name.   The definition of fraud is “something intended to deceive; deliberate trickery intended to gain an advantage.”  Does this make more sense now?  Wouldn’t you agree that there are many of us out there who have been victims of this?  Why is this happening?   Relationships don’t always start fraudulent, but they will tend to become this way when the differences cause resentment, anger,  disrespect or one of the two to give up and stop trying to find the common ground in the communication. 

Pseudo-relationships or unofficial relationships are those in which one of the two… Ok, yes, typically the guy (unemotional/logical/rational individual) does not commit to the relationship fully but is still getting the “goods” from you.   The “goods” can mean sex, time, entertainment, money, support, company, all of the above, or a combination of any of the above. 

Females are typically the martyrs. We are condemned as the cause of our own pain and suffering because we are just too “emotional."  They say we exaggerate things, or that we think too much, expect too much, we’re too needy, too demanding, we blow things out of proportion, cry over stupid stuff, we are too naïve, too controlling, manipulative, etc, etc.  But we don’t do this on purpose.  We don’t enjoy being in this kind of relationships.  We don’t like the way the differences make us feel.  It is hard to control something we are not even aware needs to be controlled.

So, my thesis is that we females face these problems because we let our emotions guide us through our decision-making process.  Our emotions allow us to perpetuate these negative situations when they solidify our inability to break out of them. 

Yes!  Everyone must agree: There needs to be equilibrium.  Men don’t want women who are extremely unemotional that they lack the nurturing side in their personalities.  And certainly they don’t want them to be extremely emotional that they lack problem solving skills or assertiveness, or that it could make them be manipulative and too dependent (needy, clingy, psycho,  etc).

Bottom line, us women are responsible for finding the equilibrium ourselves; NOT just to find and keep a man, but most importantly, to be emotionally healthy (“emotionally” Is this a good term to use? Or should I say “mentally” again?) How do we accomplish this?  What is the point of this?  Well, WE are responsible to make ourselves happy.  We cannot delegate the responsibility to our “prince charming” (also referred to as “other half,” “soul mate,” or the more modern ones “our boo,” LOL).

The first step is becoming aware of the need.  The second step requires diligence, discipline and self-control (or control of our thoughts).  Before there is an emotion, there is a feeling.  Before there is a feeling, there is a thought.  Get it?

Thoughts generate feelings.  Feelings create emotions.  Yes, I’m purposely being redundant.

Thoughts > > >  Feelings  > > > Emotions.

Where do we start fixing the problem?  ?   ? Exactly: our THOUGHTS.

Think! Control your thoughts!  Be positive!  Be smart!  Be assertive!  Be confident in yourself!  Be Logical!  Be Unemotional!  Be rational!

“I can become whatever I need to become in order to feel better” – Susana

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“You don’t live by feelings.” – Darryl

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“I won’t settle.  I won’t adjust to the cruelty of others.  I will grow past it to never again be hurt.”

–Susana (being emotional?).

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“Happiness can't depend on such imperfect human emotion, it should depend on logic.” –Susana

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“But she is lonely as hell…” –Darryl

“But loneliness is just an emotion.” –Susana

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“The depressing, stressed state of mind thinking that I am not loved... that's all Hollywood.” –Susana

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“You have to co-exist… and let people in.” –Darryl

“Not in an emotional-dependency level.  Interaction? Yes, necessary, since we learn from others... but not to satisfy my emotional health” –Susana

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“Damn, you sound so bitter.  Like a woman who’s been hurt.” –Darryl

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I AM NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD THINK TOO MUCH.

Remember the movie Wedding Crashers? (I love that movie! Lol).  Anyway… remember this part?

((HAHA, kind of funny and weird that it’s a guy thinking/saying all these things, huh?))

I’m not saying we should think too much.  I’m just saying be should careful what we think about.  We need to be assertive and smart.  Relationships don’t have to be so complicated.  We have learned to see love and relationships like those Hollywood romances or those childhood fairy tales that are just illogical and unrealistic.  There are only a few basic building blocks to a healthy relationship: mutual respect, honest communication, chemistry (connection, attraction) and emotional EQUILIBRIUM.

When we exercise control of our thoughts we are going to find that we are less stressed and have a more stable state of mind.  By becoming more logical we will make smarter decisions.  We will understand that if we truly love ourselves then we must take care of ourselves.  There IS a need to save ourselves from destructing and draining relationships.  There really is a need for us to realize that we need not to be second guessing ourselves when it comes to relationships. 

Well, I know I rambled off… I hope you all share your opinion with me.  Tell me what you think or share your thoughts so we can all learn from each other.  Thanks for reading!

Here's another clip... Kinda funny... the two extremes! (Samantha vs. Charlotte) Oh, it's rated M for Mature (lol)!