Still Strong

Tonight I saw you, I felt the beating of my heart speed up.

I turned away, yet your face was stuck in my mind, I saw you smile.
I stood not knowing what to do, what to expect, I felt that pain again.
And you just walked away, didn't come close, then you were gone.
It's better off that way, I guess, but you still managed to stir things up.
Emotions I thought I'd never feel again, struck once more.
Why did I fall for you?  I wonder.  You didn't offer me that much.
Why would you even bother talking to me? Why did I smile at your stupid joke?
I guess I needed you, and you opened the door to what I've now become.
A lot has changed, a lot has passed, I thought I had moved on.
The impact of your presence weakens my steps, my confidence,
I wish I could forget you.  There was nothing there to learn.
It was nothing, it was wrong, but I know why I fell hard.
Again the story repeated itself, since you somehow brought what I was lacking of.
It seemed as if you could ease the hurt, as if you could give me love.
But now I understand, you couldn't love me, I didn't love me so.
I won't judge or blame you anymore, I think I know what's up.
You only knew so much, I just hope to one day let go, move on.
I know I can count the times I've been so close to you, so very few.
That's what makes me wonder, why it all felt so strong

Blended Thoughts

WARNING! = Unorganized, freestyle writing. Do not expect to comprehend half of the things going through my head while I wrote this. Entertain yourself, perhaps learn. Do not judge, just let go. Ignore the rules, forgive yourself, release the guilt. I love you all.

Why judge? 

So, you think you know a person -and because you do- you have the right to define, judge or condemn their actions? Were you given a free-access pass to go inside their mind and heart? Oh, you saw it with your own eyes? So what? Is that enough to know the intentions or reasons behind it all? Who are you to judge? Why the gossip? Why the ewws and wows? Don’t you dance in front of the mirror while you’re all alone? Perhaps you should.

Have I changed in the last year or what? Haha. I’m the only one who knows. It’s been a new and great adventure, a new beginning, a new era, a new opportunity. Wow, have I learned, or what? I am so blessed and so thankful.  Have I met important people? I have met SO many special people… I want to name them all but, wow! the list would be so long. I’ve met people of great character, I’ve met people with amazing sense of humor, I’ve met individuals that have positively influenced the way I see things now. I have made best friends. I have indeed been blessed. Are people guiding me, influencing me to self destruction? Haha, of course not! Am I a responsible adult capable of making my own decisions with full understanding of what I’m doing? Yes. Did I already learn to walk? Indeed.

My heart is big enough to have love for each and every one of you, my friends. I am done judging and I refuse to speak negatively about anybody I meet. I know that there are far more positive things I can say about people and it has helped me see only that… the good.  Perhaps I’ve gotten so good because I don’t see anything else. The people I know seem perfect. Am I naïve? No.  Reality still sucks sometimes, haha.

I started talking about the judgments we make upon others and the assumptions we believe that stop us from opening our hearts and letting those people come in and show their true selves. If I had judged by that first impression I would’ve missed out so much. 

I invite others to stop judging, and believe that even those people who we think aren’t worthy of our friendship, are probably people we need to learn from and become friends with. WE SHOULDN’T BE SO SELECTIVE WITH THE PEOPLE WE SHARE OUR LIVES WITH. I’m not saying go hang out with the people who will drag you down. If you have not found yourself yet, and don’t possess your own identity, then do not attempt this. If you know who you are and are brave enough to stand up for what you believe in… THEN go for it! If you know that you will take only the positive influences from people, then go right ahead! Try new things that you always wanted and were always too afraid of. Explore the world! Live a little! Be smart… Be responsible… be whatever it is that makes you feel proud and accomplished.

The only expectations I have on the people I surround myself with with are: an open mind and a good heart. The rest can be a mixture of whatever it is people are or become… I like it all. I’m not a picky eater whatsoever, hahahaha. 

I have so many friends, and I’m not bragging, I’m just trying to express my gratitude for the way they’ve blessed my life and the things they’ve taught me. 

I know people from all over the world, so many cultures, so many body types; some who are funny and outgoing, some who are quiet and shy, some are dorks, others are smart, some are darks, or emo, or whatever you call it… and some are stars. Some can sing, some can rap, some play videogames, some are high class; some are gay, some are old, some are religious or atheists… and there are quite a few punks. Some are assholes, some are gentleman, some are players, and there are the nice-players and the asshole-players, some are pole dancers or sluts, some are virgins, sexual freaks, and others are just prudes. Some are young and dumb, some old and wise, some are young and smart, and some are old and dumb. Some are tall, some are rockers, some get high, and some are athletes.  There are politicians, police officers, military, teachers, students, bums, travelers, nomads, body builders, optimistics, unemployed, singers, musicians, high executives, maids, models, house wives, parents, grandparents, feminists, lesbians, trasvesties, showgirls, actors, directors, wannabes, athletes, rich kids, dentists, celebrities, dang so many. Some are drag queens, some can dance, some are cheaters, and some were convicted of a crime.  Some had cancer, some are sick... and sadly some even have died. Some sell homes, some break into them. Some just gamble, some are mentally retarded… some are aggressive and some are passive. I know to some of you, some of these represent negative tags… but to me they’re just a way to describe. There’s nothing wrong with variety, is there?

Am I just saying? No! I can name someone in each of these categories and trust me, I know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance… they’re all friends of mine.

If you’re going to stay away from me for what you heard or saw… it’s okay. I won’t expect someone with a closed mind to want to befriend someone like me. I am a mixture of so many things. I am my own little world. I am an open book, yet there’s a mystery behind it. I dare everyone to get to know me… and I guarantee that if you possess an open mind you will not be disappointed. Tag me if you’d like… define me if you dare… Talk about me, spread what you hear if it makes you feel better about yourself. Some things you’ve heard might me true, or they may be fake… Some things you saw may be just what you saw… or maybe even something more. You wish you knew! Haha. Wow, am I having fun or what? Do I have a big heart or what? Yes, but it’s only thanks to all of you… the positive people around me who have built me up, lift me up, inspired me.  I can’t stop… I feel so high in emotion and excitement. I wish I could grab and hug you all. I wish I could spread the word… preach my soul. I wish I could leave my eyes open at night and not miss out on the greatness of life. I’ve found so much right here. I’m not about to die.

"It's like you're two different people." 

No.  I am so many people.

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"It's like two mirrors facing eachother..."

No.  It's like one mirror shattered in pieces.

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"You're a liar."

I lie in the name of research.  You are now dismissed.

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"Shedding is the process by which snakes discard the outter portion of their skin."

Oh, then I'm shedding... No, really.  My burnt skin is coming off.   ;-)

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"Maybe if you fucked up for once you'd be less judgmental."

"Indeed."

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"Mom, Why would you cry if I'm happy?"

There is always more to know.

There is always more to learn.

'cause...

"Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one.

I’m a bitch I’m a lover
I’m a child I’m a mother
I’m a sinner I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way.

So take me as I am
This may mean, you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
And I’m going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing

I’m a bitch, I’m tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you're hurt
When you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb
I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way."

Goals and Challenges

The other day, while having a relaxing lunch break I found myself thinking about goals in life and the things that may keep us from achieving them. I texted some of my friends to ask what one of their lifelong goal was, which they hadn’t yet accomplished. The responses I got were interesting and fun. Some were about achieving a certain professional career goal, some about traveling the world, some about sexual fantasies and some about finding true love. The initial purpose of my question was to get to know more about the people I care about, but their responses generated a serious inner conversation about my own goals and the challenges I face. Some of these goals include: finishing my Business/Finance degree, getting back in shape/living a healthier lifestyle, finding a good man to marry (true love?) and have kids with, developing the talents I know I have, helping others, travel the world... just to name a few. I was surprised to realize I have absolute control of most of those goals and there is absolutely nothing in my way which should be keeping me from achieving them.  The lack of organization, the wrong order of priorities or simple laziness are the main excuses I could come up with. Being aware of these facts is not enough for me to change. I realize I need to have more specific goals or a more detailed action plan to execute and stay in track. I also need to find motivation within myself to not abandon the race. Another personal challenge is the tendency to fall off the wagon when I have a bad day or a disappointing result.  We could be our toughest critic at times, and be so hard on ourselves that instead of moving forward, we stop trying.  Don’t get me wrong, having high expectations isn’t a bad thing, but when we let the disappointment freeze us, when we believe that a bad day, or a bad step means that we’re not strong enough and we are indeed a failure, we can destroy ourselves.  Perfectionism can deteriorate our motivation; the mindset prohibits us from moving forward. I won’t publically write out my action plan or the details about my goals and challenges because I understand that the commitment is to myself, but the reason I chose to write about this was to perhaps make you all reflect upon these things and inspire you to meditate and act differently. I hope whoever reads this gives me some feedback and maybe ideas on how they overcame a challenge, or just share their success story. Hopefully we can inspire and help each other out.  Let's ponder... what is stoping us?  What is driving us?  How can we become better?  How far are we from the goal line?  Thanks you guys!

About the Divorce

Lately, some people have been asking me about or commenting on the fact that I am divorced. The reason of this blog is to explain a few things about it and clear some things up. If you’re expecting juicy details, you might as well stop reading this right now, because I won’t go there.

First off, the man I chose to marry is a good man. I understand people’s intentions when they say things like, “He must have been so stupid to let you go or done you wrong” and I appreciate it, but the reality of it is that he wasn’t stupid at all.  I am not offended whatsoever when people say things like that, but the way I see things is that talking negatively about him is just like talking negatively about me. I chose to be with him, he was part of my life. I appreciate when people assume that it was his fault; I won’t deny or accept the assumption, but I will say this: I am not perfect and both of us made mistakes.  There is always a reason behind our decisions, and even if he made the bigger mistake, I’m sure he has his. Am I trying to justify him? No. Does the fact that I don’t talk bad about him mean that I’m still in love with him? No. He is someone whom although I might no longer admire, I will always care for. He is someone whom I learned to understand and someone who I respect. I have never loved anybody like I loved him. Have I always felt this way about him or the divorce? No. Of course it took me a while to get over the fact that our marriage failed. It took me years to forgive, years to get over my addiction to him, years to let go of the bad and just keep the good.  I shared amazing moments and experiences with this man; at the time, it was the right decision and if time went back I’d do it all over again. I’ve learned to look back and only look at the lessons learned and the good moments. I don’t look back questioning my luck, nor do I look back hoping for another chance or with “what if’s.” I am no longer in love with him, but I do love him as a person. 

Some people associate age with my divorce when I tell them I got married when I was 19. I understand that at 19 I had not acquired too many lessons or life experiences, but still, I was a responsible adult when I made the decision to get married. I was financially capable of supporting myself and my family, I was a college student and I was completely aware of my priorities, embraced and respected the values and standards that were taught to me about the importance of family. I do not regret getting married whatsoever.  The party life, traveling, getting to know more men and the freedom, were not things I was giving up. I didn’t consider them too important in comparison to the great, challenging opportunity of being a wife, a mother, and having a family. Some might be surprised to read this, but I still think the same way. Although I love my single life and the opportunity I’ve gotten to travel and meet so many people, becoming a mother, a wife, and just being able to start a family are still things that I value over anything else.  Of course, I am more careful now with the people I chose to develop strong feelings for, but it doesn’t mean that I’m scared of commitment or that my values have changed.

To answer another frequent question about the decision to move to Utah, yes, my divorce and its aftermath had a lot to do with that decision.  It wasn’t the only reason why I chose to move away from Indiana, but it was definitely part of it. Moving away wasn’t necessarily the solution, nor did I ever assume moving away would ease the pain or disappear a feeling, but it certainly did help understand and see things more clearly. The physical detachment also helped with the emotional healing. 

My marriage and my divorce were great experiences. I think of it as something I can look back on and reflect on, and even learn from to this day. Like a book you read twice, you’ll always learn more and pick up things you might’ve missed on your first read. Life is great! I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn from the consequences of my actions. I wish my ex-husband the best of luck in this life with his new family. From the bottom of my heart, I hope he learned from it too. I hope he’s able to move on and become a better person (Notice I saidbetter). 

Thank all of you who have been a part of my life and my New Start in this new state. Thank all of you who have been there from the start. 

Much love,

Susana

People and Roles

People come into our lives to fulfill different roles. We can’t control the outcome of other people’s choices, nor can we control their feelings and/or way of thinking.  By allowing people to be themselves, and then determining the role that we will let them play in our lives we will find contentment and acquire a more stable emotional life. When we are obstinate and expect people to fulfill a certain role that their personality and essence just won’t allow them to execute, we find ourselves confused, frustrated, judgemental and disappointed.  Am I suggesting we lower our expectations by settling for what we consider to be a limited potential? No. Mediocrity exists when we don’t expect enough of ourselves. We settle when we stop loving ourselves or stop striving for what we really want to accomplish or obtain; when it comes to people though, we can’t expect or control what they will offer us. Each mind is a world in itself. By having high expectations in ourselves though, we will be able to distinguish those whom are worth it and those who will fulfill the most important and crucial roles in our lives: those who we decide to be emotionally involved with, and/or those who we will love.  To give you a clear example: Nobody likes to be alone all the time. Just like we have physiological needs like food and water, we have emotional needs like acknowledgement and appreciation from others. We need people around us (to socialize) and their affection in order to maintain an emotionally healthy lifestyle. Does this mean that we must want an intimate/emotional relationship with every person we meet? No. That’s not healthy either. Expecting too much affection or becoming obsessed in others leads to frustration and depression.  A great way to maintain equilibrium is to take things slowly, spend sufficient time getting to know the people around us deeply, before determining the role we will allow them to fulfill in our lives. This is a great way to establish constructing friendships, lasting relationships, and even just those fun and exciting encounters