Alerta

Ahora entiendo que la ilusion de un momento puede transportarnos a un lugar donde el sentimiento rige la razon, donde el corazon toma el control, donde no hay logica y la vision se nubla.  Ahora entiendo que es un mecanismo de defensa, una reaccion del cuerpo, quiza una reaccion hormonal que lanza un ardor por las venas, pues un espejismo de algo tan perfecto y eternamente anhelado resulta ser una droga calmante que interpretas como tu razon de vivir, el gran proposito de tu existencia o tu perfecto destino.  Ahora entiendo que no es real… que no es mas que un sueno del cual debes despertar si quieres salir ilesa de una locura, y de una idealizacion destructiva.  Ahora entiendo que es posible frenar esta fuerza, y esta desesperacion al tener consciencia de la realidad, al pensar mas en ti, al establecer como tu mision principal la proteccion de tu estabilidad emocional; el amor propio y el deseo de cuidar de ti, pueden hacerte prevalecer.  

La Llorona

And so the story goes...

She walks at night, along the river. 

She wears a white dress, her black hair down.  

It seems like she's sick, but she's actually dead. 

She's dead inside, she killed herself. 

They say she killed her children, 'cause she fell in love. 

Now he's long gone, and she wants them home. 

She's a troubled soul, a punished spirit,

Alive or dead, there's no forgiving. 

The story says she killed them all,

One by one, four precious boys. 

They all were drowned,

They had no luck,

She didn't cry,

She loved him more.

Two were drowned in the river,

Two were thrown down the well.

She cries at night,

And so she dwells.

The elderly warn us, she'll never leave.

Mercy to men, she'll never give.

She comes out at night,

she cries and yells,

"Oh, my boys!" You'll hear her say.

If you hear her at night,

you better hide,

Children must go to bed,

or she'll take them by her side.

She's sad and lonely,

and does nothing but cry.

You'll see her walk soaked,

To approach her you mustn't try.

She walks at night, along the river. 

She wears a white dress, she flows as the wind blows.  

She misses her children, She won't let go.

Her face is perfect, you'll love her glow.

(La Llorona)

Adios a Los Debiles

No entiendo todas las cosas.  No entiendo por que la gente espera tanto para apreciar las cosas buenas que llegan a su vida.  No entiendo por que se callan los sentimientos, esperando que los demas los entiendan como si fueramos telepaticos.  No me agrada como personas castigan a otras por los errores de terceros.  No entiendo por que las personas que he dejado entrar en mi vida, han solo sabido pensar en ellos y en su bienestar.  No entiendo por que unos ofrecen las migajas de un amor que ni siquiera existe.  No se marchan… en vez de seguir por su camino, nos enrollan en sus vidas, sabiendo que involucraremos sentimientos y saldremos completamente heridas.  Por que lo hacen?  Por no sentirse solos.  Es injusto.  Estoy lista para ser por fin la mujer mas especial en la vida de un hombre.  No la que mas lo quiera, la mas conveniente pareja, la mejor amiga, la compania, la incondicional, la amante, la idiota que siempre se presta a ayudar por que tiene un buen sentimiento.  Ya no, ya no voy a permitirme eso.  Se quien soy y lo que estoy dispuesta a dar.  Realmente, a aquellos que vengan a mi vida sin la disposicion de entregarse al cien porciento, simplemente los hechare fuera de mi vida.  No necesito a un hombre debil, o un hombre amargado por el pasado, no necesito un hombre negativo, no necesito un hombre que tiene pavor a verse vulnerable… un hombre que no entienda que dentro de la vulnerabilidad hay tambien fuerza.  Espero a un hombre con suficiente seguridad en si mismo, y en la vida, que tenga fe, y que sea optimista… que no este temeroso a sentir un amor profundo.  No necesito a alguien que busque algo pasajero.  Ya estoy cansada de eso, de los frutos de mi pasado, estoy lista para algo nuevo, para algo especial.  Estoy lista para ser tan especial para el, como el lo sera para mi. 

Crash and Burn

Crash and Burn

I can feel the danger of this feeling… wanting to see you, wanting you around, and missing you when you're gone.  What's the point of this?  I will crash and burn.  Things will happen so quickly and then all of this will be gone… like it always is, because nothing anymore lasts forever.  What's the point of saying bye to the world just to be with you?  To deal with the scars of your past?  To suffer or be punished for what others did?  No, I shouldn't be willing to pay that price just for your company or a warm sweet caress.  Can't be worth it.  I'd rather walk alone, like I have been forever.  Feeling this… It would lead to no happy future, but instead just to an addictive pain that will somehow give meaning to my emotions.  Why would you let me get so close?  Why do you stay around me?  Why cut my wings?  Without words… you do just that… leave me hanging, leave me waiting and hoping.  At the same time… you remain so distant.  You're closed and far from here.  Lost in thought.  I wonder when you'll come back.  I wonder who the real you is, or who you once were.  I hate timing… It has always been against me.  I wonder where you are.  How could I have you so close one night… and the next… too, too far?  And then I wonder if you fear the same… if you're holding back… if deep down you want this as much as I do.  Perhaps we both fear that this isn't real.  Or perhaps we both know that this is just like a shooting star; perfect, real but short-lived.  Perhaps there's no need to wonder what will happen and we should just let things be.  I wish I could sleep tonight… but one night was enough for me to get so used to you and now things just don't seem right.  It's weird how we haven't even kissed; we haven't even been close enough... but I still miss you.

This crash and burn fear, this feeling, it's just too familiar... like similar things are coming back to me... it's like an ongoing conversation with myself or someone else... an issue of some time now.

~ Susana ~

Blah

I've always heard, and recently started believing that happiness itself is nothing but a collection of special, joyful moments that we happen to experience throughout our life.  It is also a state of mind, and yes, we can be happy in a prolonged period of time, but when we are asked about what makes us happy, we can't help but recall those moments that had the most impact and meaning in our existence.  There are moments that are  very emotional and may bring tears to our eyes… there are also those simple moments that brought joy and hope and perhaps meant a new start.  There are moments that would seem empty, yet they represent a new beginning because it's a moment when we decide to leave the past behind, and turn the page in the book of our life.  There are some moments that are so perfect and so special… and in our hope to intensify the emotions, or prolong the feeling, we end up rushing it until we crash and burn.  Then there are some other moments, simple and genuine… where the emotions arise, but your heart lets you know exactly where to stop, it lets you know you're safe, yet you still get to enjoy the illusion of a deeper meaning.  You walk out of a moment like that, feeling satisfied, feeling safe, feeling stronger than before, and feeling happy that you got to experience something so strong, yet so ephemeral.  Sometimes there's nothing better than going with the flow, letting things be, but also saying everything you want to say, doing everything you want to do, living that moment, enjoying every second of it, not playing games, not doing what's expected, not expecting anything, embracing every second as a true adventure and loving with passion the imperfection of that interaction.  Blah! Whatever! Yes, it's so perfect and it's so true… I don't wonder anymore… I don't wait… I don't expect.  I just remember, I enjoy the memory… I close my eyes and think about the simplest of things I saw you do, or heard you say… and there's nothing more I want to see or hear.   Sometimes we close our hearts to emotions or thoughts like these because we've been hurt and we fear to fall and be vulnerable to the heartbreak pain.  Why can't we realize that by closing our minds, we close our hearts and we close the door to perhaps true happiness?  Not because a person could deliver that happiness, but perhaps because the new possibility, the new idea, or the new experience will bring ourselves back from that dark phase we let ourselves live in. Love and happiness come to those who believe in them; it comes to those who know how to smile, those that run free, those who open their arms, those who open their eyes.  Happiness comes to those who open their hearts.  Happiness comes to those that accept things for what they are, those that accept and don't stress about things they can't control… and those who are patient.  Everything indeed happens for a reason… I am thankful for a moment I lived tonight that made me understand that I am happy.  This night made me happy.   Those moments have been added to my happy-moment-collection.     

Eternal Wound

Eternal Wound
Current mood: contemplative

I'm thankful that I remember this feeling, for it makes me realize how stronger I've become.  I'm thankful that I can be inspired by others, to not only write (for you can see I'm not the best at it) but also to just ponder upon these things.  I am grateful that I know that eternal wounds can also heal, and that the pain will cease.  I am thankful for my life, for those who loved me and for those who didn't.  I am thankful for this moment, because there aren't any more tears.

Eternal wound: It's the kind of wound that we can't see, yet we can't deny it exists because we feel it burning us inside.  It's the feeling that we get at night, when everyone else sleeps, and in our attempt to do the same we only find ourselves gasping for air, fighting the pain and the tears from coming down our cheeks.  It's the suffering we wonder will go away.  It's the emptiness, the loneliness.  We can't seem to find that strength to impulse ourselves back up from that cold hole.  It's an eternal wound, for we let it get to us, we still ask ourselves what went wrong, where we messed up, we wonder when that moment was when we woke up from that sweet dream we once called love.  The wound that will always hurt, because we can't always think logically, we can't always move on.  The pain in the chest, yes, that physical pain we can't deny… it comes when we're alone… but geez, we always feel alone, even when people are around us.  We know ours is an eternal wound when months later we find ourselves stopping a simple task with a panic attack, or a strong desire to cry. We still wonder if she or he will call.  We still think of what he/she might be doing.  We are still waiting for answers; we're still waiting for that call.  We still wonder if that person still thinks about us; we wonder if they ever cried like we did; we wonder if they moved on.  We hope for a moment again, like those in our past, another chance to do things right, or just another chance to hear their voice.  We seek to be sedated even if that means to live a lie.   We seek to find in that an escape, a moment of peace.  We dream…. But still, that wound's still there… and it will hurt us forever, or at least that's how it seems.

The next is from the book New Moon by Stephanie Meyer.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.  Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing.  My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold.  I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together.  I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive.  I was alert, I felt the pain-- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head-- but it was manageable.  I could live through it.  It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Our Dance

I stopped seeing the people around us; I stopped wondering if they thought I looked good; I stopped worrying about my hair getting curly due to the sweat.  I stopped thinking, wondering, worrying, and I just felt the music like never before in my life, and the rhythm took over me.  It is difficult to explain, but the feeling was amazing.  It was blissful.  It was like if that moment was meant to be, everything in order, or perhaps everything out of place, yet in perfect harmony.  My shoes were off, I didn't care.  I was smiling and enjoying every second of it.  The songs kept changing, so did the genres of music…(salsa, merengue, hip hop, nortena, reggaeton, even country!) but I didn't want to stop, I couldn't stop.  His hands led me around, moved me, turned me, touched me, handled me with passion and I could tell that he was enjoying it just as much as I was. It was truly like making love in the club, to a whole new level. No, it wasn't sexual, but it was passionate, it was sensual. It felt right in every way. Nothing else mattered then; both of us were determined to dance until we couldn't move, or until the music stopped, and it felt like it would never happen… I felt thankful for that. No, we didn't stop. We kept going… we didn't sleep that night. We were smiling that night. We got up on stage, and danced… just us. I think people felt it too, or perhaps they didn't… but the moment was ours so it didn't matter. I've never danced like that in my life. I would describe that night as perfect. No, I'm not saying I'm the best dancer, I'm not saying we were perfect to others' eyes while doing it… but it was indeed perfection, to me, maybe to him as well. It was the most exciting moment I've experienced in a very long time. It was a moment, that lasted several hours… a moment in which I felt completely happy. Nothing else bothered me. I knew that it would last forever… the feeling… the experience… the passion I felt while doing what I love most. My body, my heart and my mind were in sync. I had a lot of fun. It was far beyond fun, it was sublime. I am glad I got to experience this… with him, a great dancer, an awesome friend, a great man. I didn't want the night to end... I didn't want to leave him. It was really meant to happen. My body was loose, alowing me to move like never before; every muscle and bone in my body participated, it felt like running water... so natural. I loved it! What an awesome experience! I couldn't have asked for more.  (September 17, 2008)