Your Arms

My favorite place to be? Your arms.  It's the only place in the world I can find myself feeling an array of contrasting emotions: From peace to happiness, security and excitement... An exhilarating feeling of wanting to stay awake forever in that very place.  It's the birthplace of this magical energy that always keeps me going.  Your arms, your embrace... It goes beyond the physicality of it.  It's a spiritual experience... An oasis in my world of chaos.  Your strength protects me, I feel your love and your desire.  I stop questioning everything, I let go and just... Feel.  I feel you.  I feel us.  Your arms are my haven.  Your arms are my escape.  Your arms are my shield against anything that could ever hurt me.  Because if I'm there, nothing will touch me.  Your arms have power.  It's in this bubble where I feel the happiest.  I feel your love and I accept my worth.  Your arms are my heaven.  Your arms are the very essence of what it means to be in love... It's surely worth the ephemeral episode of complete surrender.  I love your arms.  I call them home.  And you walk around unaware of what they mean to me... And that's okay.  I doubt you could ever understand how amazing it feels to feel so... Yours.  

Self reflection

I can be so hard on myself at times, often feeling like I'm never good enough, carrying the heavy burden of a deep rooted insecurity which is nothing but a ghost of a lie, a false perception of myself.  I know better now... I know who I am and more importantly, I love who I've become.  I am far from perfect, but I look at how far I've come and the things I've overcome and I feel like a badass.  I am a learner, I am a free spirit, I am a loving and forgiving person, I am a hard worker, I am creative and inquisitive... I have a sense of adventure that truly leads the direction of my life.  No, I don't have all the answers, and I may often have to walk alone, but I have an army of loving friends and family who have my back, always checking up on me.  I have courage and strength that I've become accustomed to but that inspires others, and I find peace in knowing that no matter what, I'll always be okay.  This last year, I've become a better leader, I've become a better cook, a better friend to myself, I've taken risks and I've gotten out of my comfort zone and I am thankful for that... For the opportunities to grow life had presented to me.  I am not done... I'm so excited about the future.

I Wish I Was Bitter

At times I wish I was bitter.  At least bitterness carries some sort of passion within... it makes sense.  A fueled hatred means there's fire within you; An impulse towards one direction, even if it's away from the originally intended.  But when you're numb... When you're completely indifferent because forgiveness is just second nature to you... That's worse.  Emptiness is always worse.  All you have is a peaceful desire to remain completely still... To let life and people pass you by.  There's no fire... Just ashes.  There's nothing, really.

Contrast

While others insist in distancing themselves from negative energy, I welcome it.  I embrace both the positive and the negative... Seeking contrast and balance in everything.  I'm comfortable sacrificing happiness for doses of creative energy from time to time.  Some of the most amazing poems ever written emerged from pain and anger... Even fear.  So I welcome negativity, not because I like to suffer, but because I love and live to experience everything intensely.

Avalanche

When you finally think you're fine and all of a sudden a memory pops out of nowhere and hits you hard like a snowball to the face and then again that little snowball gathers all the other countless memories and every moment starts coming back to your awareness and next think you know it's a fuckin avalanche from hell coming down and knocking you down below the cold sharp ice and as you roll down into the abyss of hurt you feel it cutting you deeper than before because you realize now that that's all you got, fuckin memories, no more moments, no more kisses, no more time together... So you roll down and surrender yourself to the painful death of your very own preconscious... And you hate him more for breaking you, and you hate yourself even more for remembering...   Someone slap me.

I Was Wrong

I was wrong about a lot of things, like thinking I wanted a relationship.  It wasn't the relationship I longed for, but the love of a man.  That's what had been missing from my life.  As distant as the moon, the genuine love of an amazing man eluded me.  Realizing the contrast of what I thought I wanted and what I actually aspired for was incredibly impactful to me.  It shifted my ideals and required a drastic change of game plan.  One can't find pearls in the mud, right?

I was wrong about conversations:  I thought I needed to speak my mind to draw people in, or keep them close.  Sometimes people just wanted to be in my presence.  The stillness of silence is sometimes enough.

I was wrong about the myth of "being yourself."  No, I'm not saying one should be fake, but being "yourself" has its dangers, and depending on what you're trying to accomplish or where you're trying to go, it's sometimes better to guard yourself, or stay a mystery and not always be transparent.  It is not about mistrusting the world and being paranoid, but about being smart and strategic.  It's not an eagerness to control everything what should move you to practice these principles, but a desire to acquire what you long for in a more permanent and meaningful way.

I was wrong about circumstances.  I thought it would be safe to move away when pain or boredom hit.  It's not about the outside circumstances what will define your perception of life, but about your inner voice, your state of mind.  This is a controllable.  This doesn't depend on anything or anybody but your own psyche.  Yes, the distraction of a new environment will serve its purpose: distract you from your reality, but sooner or later when the novelty subsides, you'll find yourself back to square one.  It's about finding your inner peace, no matter where you physically find yourself.

I was wrong about my work.  I was wrong about the type of leader that I am.  I am learning and have a long way to go, but I've realize I'm a doer.  I can't sit still and I struggle delegating.  I know what I am to do, yet I find myself doing the opposite.  It's my controlling nature to want to do things for myself; for one, because I love being independent and I love being right.  This moves me to do things over and over until they're second nature to me and they become perfect.  When I assign these tasks to others, I always find myself discontent with the outcome.  It is negative of me and it's selfish to not let things go, or not trust others in the process.  I know I have to become a better coach by trusting them and being patient.   Although, I find peace in knowing that I also love teaching.  If I can focus not on how well the task is to be completed, but on the process of developing others, I will be successful.  I am a work in progress. 

I was wrong about my perception of expression.  Yes, I still believe it's an innate right for each of us to express ourselves.  What changed was a simple shift of thought:  it went from mere support of our freedom of expression, to an understanding that our expression is, in fact, freedom.  If I ever found myself unable to write, I would feel imprisoned.  I sometimes fantasize of being an actual prisoner, with all the time and freedom in the world to write my story, my thoughts, my words and feelings.  No, I don't think it would be an actual pleasant experience in all the other aspects of life, but in that of expression, it would be magnificently liberating and alluring.

I was wrong about sensuality.  Wrong to have always associated it with sexuality.  Two completely different things.  Could one lead to the other? of course.  But sensuality is about the senses.   I am a sensual person not because I have a high sex drive, or because I play with the seductive attributes of The Siren, but because everything I see, or hear, or smell, or touch is exquisitely intense. I find myself distracted by simple movement of branches on a tree, or bright colors of neon signs, or lost in the blur of spinning wheels.  I wonder if other people see the world the way I do, and if they choose to keep it to themselves to avoid the weird stares.  There must be people out there who function the same way, though.  I don't even think it would be a constructive connection, to be honest.  I say this not because I don't think things we relate one another with are detrimental, but when it comes to intensity, they sometimes are.  But I digress...

I was wrong about family.  I say to myself my family and I are very close, and yes, it's true to a certain extent.  Our love and our bond is strong.  But what exactly does it mean to be close?  Back to relating: I find myself excited at the fact that my brother and I enjoy watching the same TV shows; however, this isn't what being close is about.  Our values are so different now.  My sisters and parents are religiously inclined, my brother is ambitious, and I?  I find myself in a distant side of a 3-sided spectrum.  I don't know in what meaningful ways we actually connect.  Other than love.  But, here's the thing, I was wrong about love too.

Love isn't everything.  Is it a powerful force or energy that caused the creation of the Universe?  I used to believe that.  Is it actually true?  Who knows. Some days I laugh at the idea.  What is love then?  I don't know.  There is no formula, no equation and no real explanation for it.  It's a word someone invented to pour in the rest of unexplainable energies (emotions, vibes) that we just couldn't describe or differentiate from the rest.


I was wrong about certain people, and this is the most painful one.  I was wrong about their intentions.  I was naïve.   I was wrong when I thought they actually cared about me, when I thought they meant well, when I thought they at least wanted the best for me.  But in reality, why am I expecting people to be so good to me?  That's MY job... to be good to myself and have it be enough.   Of all the things I could be an advocate of, the freedom to choose who to be, how to be, and the stance of your very own individualistic way of finding happiness- would have to be it.  

"Respect of the rights of others is peace."

The One Hour Commute

I have an hour drive to and from work each day... But I feel like I have way more than that.  I have 12 favorite songs I get to listen to, too.  I have miles and miles of road to get lost in my thoughts, and isn't this very post proof that I, indeed, do? :-) I have a new found way to meditate.  I can roll the windows down, let the sun peak through the sunroof, and the forceful, invigorating wind dance through my hair, leaving it a tangled mess.  All while still grateful for the clean fresh air I get to breathe.  I also have thousands of big, beautiful green trees I get to see... And an old redish railroad on the side of the road reminding me of a church talk I once heard, which somehow evolved from the basic concept of why the standard gauge is 4 ft 8 1/2 inches, into a meaningful spiritual lesson of faith (or something).  There is also this small cemetery where instead of tomb stones all you see are cute little bouquets of flowers sticking up from the ground.   It always makes me smile. I also get to wonder where all these tiny, unpaved roads lead to when they disappear into the woods or in the distance... And I get to drive by this cool, zoo-safari where ostriches run wild and free across the land.  I always smile with this too because it has become an inside joke... I mean, running ostriches are hilarious, aren't they?  And some of the other animals I don't even know the name of.  If ever hungry, or just because, there are a couple fruit stands on the side of the road: organically grown berries, juicy peaches, cantaloupe melons... You name it.  There is a cute, small, wooden lake house farther down the road.  On some days, I witness the most beautiful thunderstorms and take pictures of those beautiful greens contrasting with the blues.  Others, the most incredibly beautiful Tennessee sunsets. And then sometimes, when we work late, i get to see the brightest of stars filling up the dark, country sky.  When we carpool, and we ride with the top down, I sit back and let the sun tan my skin... It's relaxing and amazing.  Sometimes we laugh till we cry.  Or we have deep talks.  And when we're almost home, there's a church we can see from a few miles away, and I find symbolism in this almost every time.  It really is way more than just an hour drive... Isn't it?