I Drown

I drown in glistening ashes
Vibrant and powerful
The ashes of regret
Drowning in depths of blue water
Would be just too calm
Too peaceful, too unfair
One could swim or float
In depths of wisdom
But I can't
So I drown in heavy mud
The cold, thick, relentless
That grips to my soul so tightly
Pinning me down forever
Dragging me through thorns of truth
Where my tears burn me
I drown in a malignant fire
In spirals of unforgiving fury
Welcoming and inviting
Where my broken spirit succumbs
And my pride is your accomplice
So here, I drown in you
My demon of ferocious influence
You've slit my present and my joy
You repeatedly killed me
But you say dying is easy
Not enough revenge
Not enough forgiveness
If a debt must then be paid
I render all I could have left
Today I drowned in hell
As I drowned in your embrace

Magnificently Memorable

He had DANGER written all over his face. And not because he was a narcissistic "bad boy," but because I knew he was the type of man I would lose myself with. I didn't play hard to get; I flat out told him I wasn't interested and went about my business not fully aware of the magnitude of my attraction for him. I didn't think much of it, it wasn't like I had fallen for him (yet), but he definitely lingered in my mind for some time. It wasn't until eight months later when I found myself vulnerable and lonely that I decided to reach out to him. We finally hung out. Our conversation felt so natural and intense. I loved his sense of humor and that steamy sexy smile of his. And when he came over to take me out on a nice dinner date, we just looked at each other for what seemed to be an interminable moment, perhaps admiring the result of tedious work in front of a mirror, and I blurred out "let's just stay in." Pizza, beer and uncontrollable laughs followed. I had never felt so comfortable with a man I was this attracted to. I didn't have to fake anything, or try to impress him... He was so down to earth. It felt so simple, yet extraordinary. The two years that followed marked a very important chapter in my life. I was in love, and he was too. He turned out to be exactly the type of DANGER I was talking about earlier: my true weakness in the flesh. I lost myself. I lost control of my emotions; my sense of reality was so bent out of shape that I became the worst version of myself I could've imagined. I was irrational, compulsive, defensive... I was sad.  To this day, I'm still unable to describe the complexity of what I was going through.  I think it was a mix of insecurity and fear, with excitement and eagerness.  We had something special. Our conversations never got boring, on the contrary, they got more and more intense... Until they turned into powerful conflicts of opinions. They turned into fights. And then after countless tears and broken objects, it was over... Over a political debate on my 27th birthday. Happy birthday to me.  As intensly as it started, it had ended.   Looking back though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world. What I saw, what I felt, and what I lived in the arms of this man was dangerously addictive but also magnificently memorable. It was hell and it was heaven. It was what I referenced earlier in a quote by Liz Gilbert: an encounter with my soul mate.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

ReGroup

I know not much about war, but I know a little about life and the self-made battlefields we put ourselves in from time to time. There comes a point when victory becomes uncertain, and you must retreat in order to regroup. Not because you've lost hope and you're ready to surrender, but because you know you've come to a decisive moment in which you must renew your courage and your strength and prepare for the final battle. You must silence the noise, estimate the casualties, evaluate the damage, pick up the pieces and formulate your winning strategy. It is perfectly okay to stop and embrace this moment... To sit still... To remain silent while the whole world continues to rotate and pass you by. But this too shall pass... And you will win.

Positively Negative

I've heard and read several motivational speakers and life coaches say that in order to remain a positive person, one should stay away from negative people and tune them out.  This is something I don't agree with.

If a person is genuinly positive, it should mean that he or she will be receptive, open and kind towards others, no matter their perspective of life.  I think it's unrealistic and naive to tune out negativity completely when we live in such unperfect world. I stand by the fact that it is more than okay to listen, be receptive to others, and be open to their concerns and whatever it is they want to share with us.  When someone comes to you and tells you their problems, to judge them as negative and tune them out or simply stay away from them is actually very selfish and cold.  I'm not saying we need to encourage or reinforce their negative behavior, or entertain it... what I'm saying is, POSITIVITY should be more powerful than negativity.  It should mean that the power of your positivity is greater, and that your positivity will bring them up, instead of their negativity bringing you down.  We should let our light shine bright to help others, and not to go shine our light under a bed.  Being a positive person should mean that we're able to filter out the negative stuff and channel it properly.  A positive person should know about meditation and spend some time daily letting go of all the negativity in their mind, in a hollistic and therapeutic way.  It helps to see the negative stuff going on around us so that we can appreciate the good and everything we have in a more genuine way.  A positive person should respect and be receptive to every human being, perhaps even every living creature.  I believe in the power of meditation, and it exists so that we can clean our minds and our souls from the negative factors which pollute us.  I try to learn from everyone and everything I witness... I'd like to think of myself as a positive person, at least the majority of the time, but I also feel great knowing people trust me by coming to me to share their problems or concerns; it makes me feel appreciated and valued.  I see this as an opportunity to help and perhaps spread the love and my positive perspective.  How can someone ever say that we should stay away from that?

December 3rd 2013

It's already December!  Hard to believe that another year is almost over.  I know it's not the end of the month yet, but tonight I feel like writing and venting.  This has honestly been one of the hardest years of my life, but I can also say I've witnessed miracles and I've been extremely blessed.

I am ready for a new beginning... a new chapter in my life.  I know 2014 will be special... I can feel it.  It will mark a decade that I've been employed at Verizon, and honestly, working there has opened so many doors in the last 10 years.  I've been able to travel and see places I never thought I would... It's been a blessing to have a job and to not have been significantly affected by the economy, like many other people out there have.  I am very grateful for this.

January started off great.  I won Lunch of Champions at work and got to meet two NFL stars.  I'm not a big football fan, but it was still a great experience.  I met Dan Hamilton and Nick Roach.

January, I also went back to school.  I am pursuing a degree in Graphic Design.  This new adventure is more than that... it's a life long dream of mine that has become a goal.  I'm on the right track and I won't stop until I achieve it.

February was amazing as well.  I went to a Ricardo Arjona concert.  Ricardo Arjona is and has been my favorite artist for years!  I love his gift... he writes amazing songs that touch me... always have and always will.  The irony in his songs sparks creativity in me.  I am inspired.  It was February 14th the day my mom and I went to his concert.  It was so much fun and he put up an amazing performance.  This was on my bucket list!

Not sure exactly what date it was, but I also got to see Lindsey Stirling in concert!  She's an amazing violinist from Utah and now very famous.  I love her style, her funky little attitude and her amazing musical talent is just incredible.  I went to this concert with my parents, my sister Azucena and my nephew Alex.  We also got to spend some time together out in Chciago, and we went to eat at one of my favorite restaurants out there: El Barco.  It was a special day.

My relationship with Q ended in November of 2012, but we continued talking until the beginning part of 2013.  It finally ended for good.  It wasn't necesarily on a good note, but oh well.  Relationships are hard.  I learned so much being with him.  It was intense... and although we had so much fun together, it felt as if we also brought the worst in each other.  It wasn't healthy.  I loved this man, I have no doubt about it.  But I also understood that I wasn't ready to settle for a destructive path just to have some company.  Just as intensly as we loved each other, we learned to hate each other.  We fought a lot... it was time to let go.  Not the first heartbreak and probably not the last, but it hurt tremendously.  It was hard to lose someone who meant so much to me.  It hurt to have to give up and let it go.

I started dating someone shortly after the breakup.  Someone I met in school who happens to be studying the same thing I am.  The whole thing = big mistake.  I wasn't ready.  It was a messy situation that lasted a few months, but it didn't end well.  I don't even want to write the details about this one... but let's just say this... it was a waste of time, but it was also a learning experience.  He likes to use the excuse that he grew up without a father and that's why he is the way he is... but I don't think such evil can be excused with that one.  That's it about him... I don't want to give him any more words... not even worth it.

May.  I went to Texas to my cousin's wedding.  It was absolutely beautiful.  It was a sweet reminder of true love.  This wedding was very meaningful... it was a symbol that what's meant to be, will always find its way.  The beach, the breeze... love was in the air. I loved being able to see my family members that live in Texas and Mexico.  It had been so long.  I have an amazing family.

May... My mom had spinal surgery.  The days in the hospital were hell.  I hated seeing her like that... weak, in pain, dependent... so hard for her.  So hard for all of us.  The surgery went well, but the recovery was long and difficult.  My mom is truly a strong woman, in all the extension of the word.  She is amazing.  Her physical strength, her spiritual strength... truly an inspiration.  I'm more amazed at seeing the love my dad has for her.  He took care of her, he stayed with her, and everything he did for her he did with true kindness and love.  Not once did he complain or fuss about having to help her and stay with her so many hours at the hospital.  I am inspired by their love and their relationship.  They have been together 43 years, but these are the times where they've truly shown openly and sincerely how much they love one another.  I am blessed to have been born to such amazing people.

July 9th.  I found out I was pregnant!  Despite knowing the situation I was in wasn't ideal, I can't deny the fact that I was absolutely thrilled and excited at the opportunity of finally being a mom!  The immediate changes in my body were nothing compared to the change in my perspective in life.  It all happened so suddenly; I started reading, researching, planning... getting ready.  Well, it wasn't meant to be.  I miscarried at 10 weeks.  This was the second time for me.  It was hell.  I'm not even going to pretend that it was any easier since I had been through this before.  It wasn't.  I cried for a few days.  I wasn't alone... luckily, I was able to stay with my family during these difficult days.  They made it all better; I'm so blessed for their love and support.  I couldn't tell you where I'd be without them.  My coworkers were also very understanding and supportive.

I guess I learned the importance of having a strong and loyal support system.  It's these difficult times that make you realize how weak you can become, how fragile, and how scary it can be to go through adversity all on your own.

August, back in school again (for my second semester back).  You can't stay down for too long... You gotta get back up and face the world and continue to fight for your dreams.  I want to be an artist... I want to finish college and be able to do what I love.  School has been some sort of therapy.  It keeps me busy... it keeps me away from distractions that I normally would've fallen for... perhaps not the healthy kind.

I feel like I have my life together now... Like I know where I'm going.  Finally.  I feel like things are finally falling into place and I'm no longer waiting for something to fall from the sky into my lap.  I'm walking towards something meaningful to me... something very personal to me.  No longer the idea of finding love, but the dream of becoming the woman I'm meant to be.

I feel strong.  I finally won some internal battles of mine.  What made me weak at some point, is now a source of strength.  I feel victorious.  I have so much work to do and I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but it's a start... I feel confident and powerful.  I feel no longer a slave of my weakness.  I know I've conquered.

October, I was able to cross something off my bucket list: to tattoo someone!  My special friend and mentor encouraged me to do this! I didn't think it was going to happen as soon as it did, but it did.  I can tell you this... the adrenaline rush of knowing something I'm creating will permanently be on someone's skin was just exhilarating.  I was concerned and worried about hurting him, since I didn't really know what I was doing... but he seemed to be enjoying it just as much as I was.  It was an eye... of course.  I'm obsessed with eyes.  :)  This experience was absolutely fascinating and fun!

November, I turned 28.  I spent time with my family.  I got amazing gifts for my birthday... two that stand out because they were very thoughtful were the movie Frida (I'm obsessed with this artist) and a real (but dead) scorpion.  Amazing... I'm very grateful for those gifts and the other I received. Work became stressful due to the possibility of losing my job (performance related).  I was able to turn around and finish the month strong, but I know I'm not out of the woods yet.  Not gonna lie, this put things in perspective.  I don't want to lose my job, especially now that I'm in school and they're paying for my tuition.  But I know that if it happens, I will be ready for a change, I will be ready to start over and face whatever comes my way.  I am ready for whatever.  I know I am capable of finding another job, even if I take a pay cut, but finding a job where I can still focus on my education. 

I'm not giving up though.  December will be a challenge but I will work extra hard to perform the way I'm expected to.  I was whining and depressed at first, but now I know I have to be proactive and keep a positive attitude so that I can do what I have to do.  I've worked so hard for 10 years... I don't want to lose what I've vested myself in for all this time.  I am capable, I am knowledgeable and I am great at what I do.  I can do better.  I accept change as an important challenge... I know I can get out of my comfort zone into the learning zone... and eventually, the growth zone where the magic happens.

Interesting things this year... I watched Frida, became obsessed with her.  I learned Photoshop and Illustrator in school.  I became interested in Art History (my other class) especially with Michaelangelo's David and Raphael's Madonna in the Meadow.  The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt has special significance to me... which I will write about some other time.  It was an interesting semester in school.

I'm happy with who I am and what I've done.  This year was amazing and I will never forget the lessons learned.  I am excited to start 2014 with a positive attitude, ready to mark off more items off my bucket list, and ready to spend more time with my loved ones and ready to dive in and learn as much as I can.  Art is my passion... 2014 will be a year dedicated to that... my love for it.

I don't consider myself a natural born artist... I realize I need to practice and practice and then practice some more to be great at it, but I love it... and that's where my focus will be this new year.

I also want to focus on my health.  No other blessing can be enjoyed if we don't have health.  This is a priority.  I want to get in shape not only to look good physically, but to feel amazing and have the energy I need to do everything else I'm planning to do.

I hope all of you figure out your priorities for this new year and focus on whatever it is you love and are passionate about.

I love you all,

Susana

Dust

We are all broken
We seek some mystic perfection we can't even define
We are all lost
We think we get it, but we don't... and we won't
I guess it's all a play pretend
We walk around supposedly living our lives
We are nothing but particles floating by
We are nothing but dust
Why do we strive to be remembered?
History is written by strangers
Strangers like those who've made it
Why are we eager to accomplish something?
Is it because we have seeds to grow?
We think we will get to reap
But then we get too busy
To busy to tend those things
We neglect our seeds
They die
They leave
We are too tired to say goodbye
And then we lose our soul
But what do we lose if we are nothing but dust?
We engage in the business of moving on
We try to save prestige and reputation
To please a silent audience
A cold and absent audience
When we've already failed at love
What else is there to follow?
Simply, there's no reason
To move on
Dust just floats
To move on to what?
to something worse?
You can't un-break a heart
You cant resuscitate a broken soul
We can't change
It's all been written
We are all broken
We seek some mystic glory we made up ourselves
As if someone was out there waiting
But there isn't
We get creative but not productive
We are all bored
We are nothing but air
We are nothing but dust
Dust doesn't love
It doesn't grow

Photos... Then and now

Now and then...