December 3rd 2013

It's already December!  Hard to believe that another year is almost over.  I know it's not the end of the month yet, but tonight I feel like writing and venting.  This has honestly been one of the hardest years of my life, but I can also say I've witnessed miracles and I've been extremely blessed.

I am ready for a new beginning... a new chapter in my life.  I know 2014 will be special... I can feel it.  It will mark a decade that I've been employed at Verizon, and honestly, working there has opened so many doors in the last 10 years.  I've been able to travel and see places I never thought I would... It's been a blessing to have a job and to not have been significantly affected by the economy, like many other people out there have.  I am very grateful for this.

January started off great.  I won Lunch of Champions at work and got to meet two NFL stars.  I'm not a big football fan, but it was still a great experience.  I met Dan Hamilton and Nick Roach.

January, I also went back to school.  I am pursuing a degree in Graphic Design.  This new adventure is more than that... it's a life long dream of mine that has become a goal.  I'm on the right track and I won't stop until I achieve it.

February was amazing as well.  I went to a Ricardo Arjona concert.  Ricardo Arjona is and has been my favorite artist for years!  I love his gift... he writes amazing songs that touch me... always have and always will.  The irony in his songs sparks creativity in me.  I am inspired.  It was February 14th the day my mom and I went to his concert.  It was so much fun and he put up an amazing performance.  This was on my bucket list!

Not sure exactly what date it was, but I also got to see Lindsey Stirling in concert!  She's an amazing violinist from Utah and now very famous.  I love her style, her funky little attitude and her amazing musical talent is just incredible.  I went to this concert with my parents, my sister Azucena and my nephew Alex.  We also got to spend some time together out in Chciago, and we went to eat at one of my favorite restaurants out there: El Barco.  It was a special day.

My relationship with Q ended in November of 2012, but we continued talking until the beginning part of 2013.  It finally ended for good.  It wasn't necesarily on a good note, but oh well.  Relationships are hard.  I learned so much being with him.  It was intense... and although we had so much fun together, it felt as if we also brought the worst in each other.  It wasn't healthy.  I loved this man, I have no doubt about it.  But I also understood that I wasn't ready to settle for a destructive path just to have some company.  Just as intensly as we loved each other, we learned to hate each other.  We fought a lot... it was time to let go.  Not the first heartbreak and probably not the last, but it hurt tremendously.  It was hard to lose someone who meant so much to me.  It hurt to have to give up and let it go.

I started dating someone shortly after the breakup.  Someone I met in school who happens to be studying the same thing I am.  The whole thing = big mistake.  I wasn't ready.  It was a messy situation that lasted a few months, but it didn't end well.  I don't even want to write the details about this one... but let's just say this... it was a waste of time, but it was also a learning experience.  He likes to use the excuse that he grew up without a father and that's why he is the way he is... but I don't think such evil can be excused with that one.  That's it about him... I don't want to give him any more words... not even worth it.

May.  I went to Texas to my cousin's wedding.  It was absolutely beautiful.  It was a sweet reminder of true love.  This wedding was very meaningful... it was a symbol that what's meant to be, will always find its way.  The beach, the breeze... love was in the air. I loved being able to see my family members that live in Texas and Mexico.  It had been so long.  I have an amazing family.

May... My mom had spinal surgery.  The days in the hospital were hell.  I hated seeing her like that... weak, in pain, dependent... so hard for her.  So hard for all of us.  The surgery went well, but the recovery was long and difficult.  My mom is truly a strong woman, in all the extension of the word.  She is amazing.  Her physical strength, her spiritual strength... truly an inspiration.  I'm more amazed at seeing the love my dad has for her.  He took care of her, he stayed with her, and everything he did for her he did with true kindness and love.  Not once did he complain or fuss about having to help her and stay with her so many hours at the hospital.  I am inspired by their love and their relationship.  They have been together 43 years, but these are the times where they've truly shown openly and sincerely how much they love one another.  I am blessed to have been born to such amazing people.

July 9th.  I found out I was pregnant!  Despite knowing the situation I was in wasn't ideal, I can't deny the fact that I was absolutely thrilled and excited at the opportunity of finally being a mom!  The immediate changes in my body were nothing compared to the change in my perspective in life.  It all happened so suddenly; I started reading, researching, planning... getting ready.  Well, it wasn't meant to be.  I miscarried at 10 weeks.  This was the second time for me.  It was hell.  I'm not even going to pretend that it was any easier since I had been through this before.  It wasn't.  I cried for a few days.  I wasn't alone... luckily, I was able to stay with my family during these difficult days.  They made it all better; I'm so blessed for their love and support.  I couldn't tell you where I'd be without them.  My coworkers were also very understanding and supportive.

I guess I learned the importance of having a strong and loyal support system.  It's these difficult times that make you realize how weak you can become, how fragile, and how scary it can be to go through adversity all on your own.

August, back in school again (for my second semester back).  You can't stay down for too long... You gotta get back up and face the world and continue to fight for your dreams.  I want to be an artist... I want to finish college and be able to do what I love.  School has been some sort of therapy.  It keeps me busy... it keeps me away from distractions that I normally would've fallen for... perhaps not the healthy kind.

I feel like I have my life together now... Like I know where I'm going.  Finally.  I feel like things are finally falling into place and I'm no longer waiting for something to fall from the sky into my lap.  I'm walking towards something meaningful to me... something very personal to me.  No longer the idea of finding love, but the dream of becoming the woman I'm meant to be.

I feel strong.  I finally won some internal battles of mine.  What made me weak at some point, is now a source of strength.  I feel victorious.  I have so much work to do and I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but it's a start... I feel confident and powerful.  I feel no longer a slave of my weakness.  I know I've conquered.

October, I was able to cross something off my bucket list: to tattoo someone!  My special friend and mentor encouraged me to do this! I didn't think it was going to happen as soon as it did, but it did.  I can tell you this... the adrenaline rush of knowing something I'm creating will permanently be on someone's skin was just exhilarating.  I was concerned and worried about hurting him, since I didn't really know what I was doing... but he seemed to be enjoying it just as much as I was.  It was an eye... of course.  I'm obsessed with eyes.  :)  This experience was absolutely fascinating and fun!

November, I turned 28.  I spent time with my family.  I got amazing gifts for my birthday... two that stand out because they were very thoughtful were the movie Frida (I'm obsessed with this artist) and a real (but dead) scorpion.  Amazing... I'm very grateful for those gifts and the other I received. Work became stressful due to the possibility of losing my job (performance related).  I was able to turn around and finish the month strong, but I know I'm not out of the woods yet.  Not gonna lie, this put things in perspective.  I don't want to lose my job, especially now that I'm in school and they're paying for my tuition.  But I know that if it happens, I will be ready for a change, I will be ready to start over and face whatever comes my way.  I am ready for whatever.  I know I am capable of finding another job, even if I take a pay cut, but finding a job where I can still focus on my education. 

I'm not giving up though.  December will be a challenge but I will work extra hard to perform the way I'm expected to.  I was whining and depressed at first, but now I know I have to be proactive and keep a positive attitude so that I can do what I have to do.  I've worked so hard for 10 years... I don't want to lose what I've vested myself in for all this time.  I am capable, I am knowledgeable and I am great at what I do.  I can do better.  I accept change as an important challenge... I know I can get out of my comfort zone into the learning zone... and eventually, the growth zone where the magic happens.

Interesting things this year... I watched Frida, became obsessed with her.  I learned Photoshop and Illustrator in school.  I became interested in Art History (my other class) especially with Michaelangelo's David and Raphael's Madonna in the Meadow.  The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt has special significance to me... which I will write about some other time.  It was an interesting semester in school.

I'm happy with who I am and what I've done.  This year was amazing and I will never forget the lessons learned.  I am excited to start 2014 with a positive attitude, ready to mark off more items off my bucket list, and ready to spend more time with my loved ones and ready to dive in and learn as much as I can.  Art is my passion... 2014 will be a year dedicated to that... my love for it.

I don't consider myself a natural born artist... I realize I need to practice and practice and then practice some more to be great at it, but I love it... and that's where my focus will be this new year.

I also want to focus on my health.  No other blessing can be enjoyed if we don't have health.  This is a priority.  I want to get in shape not only to look good physically, but to feel amazing and have the energy I need to do everything else I'm planning to do.

I hope all of you figure out your priorities for this new year and focus on whatever it is you love and are passionate about.

I love you all,

Susana

Dust

We are all broken
We seek some mystic perfection we can't even define
We are all lost
We think we get it, but we don't... and we won't
I guess it's all a play pretend
We walk around supposedly living our lives
We are nothing but particles floating by
We are nothing but dust
Why do we strive to be remembered?
History is written by strangers
Strangers like those who've made it
Why are we eager to accomplish something?
Is it because we have seeds to grow?
We think we will get to reap
But then we get too busy
To busy to tend those things
We neglect our seeds
They die
They leave
We are too tired to say goodbye
And then we lose our soul
But what do we lose if we are nothing but dust?
We engage in the business of moving on
We try to save prestige and reputation
To please a silent audience
A cold and absent audience
When we've already failed at love
What else is there to follow?
Simply, there's no reason
To move on
Dust just floats
To move on to what?
to something worse?
You can't un-break a heart
You cant resuscitate a broken soul
We can't change
It's all been written
We are all broken
We seek some mystic glory we made up ourselves
As if someone was out there waiting
But there isn't
We get creative but not productive
We are all bored
We are nothing but air
We are nothing but dust
Dust doesn't love
It doesn't grow

Photos... Then and now

Now and then... 

Nowhere

I wanna go nowhere but your arms, live nowhere but your mind. My fear of losing you has ended and I can finally act like myself again. Now that I've lost you... things go back to normal. I guess I'm so safe alone that it feels natural... but I still miss you. I have no questions... just memories. I embrace my present as is, because I know that every death of love brings a new beginning... a new chapter. I am alive and I can feel it. I know there's so much to do... and I know this exact moment was meant to be. I'm meant to be okay... to let you go... to find peace somewhere along the road. I will get there. I'm not sure of how and when... but I will let you go and let you stay in my past. I knew from the day I kissed you that it was dangerous... I knew where it would take me... and I ignored the percation signs of my heart. I went with my feelings... and god, it was worth it. I loved.

in love

I'm not afraid to be myself and make mistakes... I know that at the end of the day I'm never going to be alone. I have God and I have my family. I can't play games or play the cards others expect me to play. I only have me, and I'm going to be myself no matter what. I can't think of anything more stressful than having to watch your every step to fulfill what society thinks you should be. It's exhausting. I love my life and I love the woman that I've become. It doesn't matter if no one falls in love with me ever... I've fallen in love with myself. It's the strongest relationship I've built and I plan on nourisihing it till the end of time.

It meant more than I'd like to admit now...

Sept 26 2011 - Oct 30 2012

It hurts. It really does... I still think of him daily... I still cry sometimes. It's been easier because, well, I've done this over and over... and it's easier because I am so busy. I really put so much on my plate so that I wouldn't crumble... and it's working. I guess what hurts the most is knowing that he left not knowing anything about me... or how I felt. Not understanding the depth of my feelings for him. I don't blame him... I wasn't quite the person that I know I am. I think I was in a fog. I, however, better than ever understand how deep I can love. He means so much to me... more than I'd like to admit... more than I can handle. I have failed at grasping my feelings myself... I can't put it into words. I know it changed me... and I know it will always be a part of me one way or another. Team Suzie Q ends here.

Thesis

My world is changing: Transforming, Evolving or perhaps collapsing. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head that keep telling me to miss you, to want you, to write you. This was the closest thing to love. This felt real to me. I wish I could let go. Everywhere I look, in every single corner there you are. And silly me I really thought I was ready to move on, I thought I wanted that… but boy was I wrong. So incoherent there flirting with the future, as if it could become my present. My present is still you. You are all over my body… every cell misses you. This is disgusting. I feel so trapped and betrayed by my own damn self! This is destruction, self-sabotage… This is the definition of an addiction. I feel you’ve taken over so much of my space and my heart. All of it perhaps. Here I am venting and letting it all out, or part of it, because there is just so much that I can’t say. This is draining. I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I just want to stare at your eyes and believe that we are meant to be and that you are mine, as I am yours. This isn’t the same… as before… Now I can’t move. I literally can’t move… due to the pain at times. I need you to function. I miss you. I really really miss you. I wish you were the one, I wish I could make it all fit into the perfect stupid mold I think Love is supposed to be. But we are too strong and too unique to be shaped to meet the other's needs. I'm so lost. I wanted this to go so far... to be so much... to mean so much. I wish I could go back in time and fix things, or go back in time and not have started things. This doesn't feel like it's for me. God I miss your hands. I miss your lips. I am lost and distracted now thinking more about your presence... when I was focused on your absence. I wonder where you are, and then I really don't want to know. All I know is you're not here, you're not with me... The rest is left to my imagination... and I want to quiet the voices again. This is ridiculous. This is fatalistic and pointless... but it's my therapy. I am tired of the songs I listen to, but I love them, and I'm tired of the people that linger around to ask what's up. I don't want anybody but you. I pray for you. Every day, in my heart, I just ask God to keep you safe, to make it possible for you to be happy, to bless you, to help you through, to help you succeed. I know how bad you want things... I know I wanted them too... I wanted to be there with you. I love you. I can't deny it. I still do. I will slowly walk away, stop thinking, force myself to believe that this was just a dream. I will get over this.... but I will never forget you. You... no, not you.. but God and I ... we know. We know who you were and who you are in my life. The most special. The only one. The real one. The past was training... this wasn't really a graduation... but it was definitely the final... the thesis... I guess I failed. I flunked. I didn't pass. But God do I wish I could re take this test... do you again.. wow... again, my mind... your hands... your touch. It wanders off. I'm such a failure. I miss you. I want you. Just disappear, just stop being so stubborn even in my fictional world... in the little room in my mind... you are still sto stubborn... and you won't leave. You wont leave... 'cause I won't let you.