Dust

We are all broken
We seek some mystic perfection we can't even define
We are all lost
We think we get it, but we don't... and we won't
I guess it's all a play pretend
We walk around supposedly living our lives
We are nothing but particles floating by
We are nothing but dust
Why do we strive to be remembered?
History is written by strangers
Strangers like those who've made it
Why are we eager to accomplish something?
Is it because we have seeds to grow?
We think we will get to reap
But then we get too busy
To busy to tend those things
We neglect our seeds
They die
They leave
We are too tired to say goodbye
And then we lose our soul
But what do we lose if we are nothing but dust?
We engage in the business of moving on
We try to save prestige and reputation
To please a silent audience
A cold and absent audience
When we've already failed at love
What else is there to follow?
Simply, there's no reason
To move on
Dust just floats
To move on to what?
to something worse?
You can't un-break a heart
You cant resuscitate a broken soul
We can't change
It's all been written
We are all broken
We seek some mystic glory we made up ourselves
As if someone was out there waiting
But there isn't
We get creative but not productive
We are all bored
We are nothing but air
We are nothing but dust
Dust doesn't love
It doesn't grow

Photos... Then and now

Now and then... 

Nowhere

I wanna go nowhere but your arms, live nowhere but your mind. My fear of losing you has ended and I can finally act like myself again. Now that I've lost you... things go back to normal. I guess I'm so safe alone that it feels natural... but I still miss you. I have no questions... just memories. I embrace my present as is, because I know that every death of love brings a new beginning... a new chapter. I am alive and I can feel it. I know there's so much to do... and I know this exact moment was meant to be. I'm meant to be okay... to let you go... to find peace somewhere along the road. I will get there. I'm not sure of how and when... but I will let you go and let you stay in my past. I knew from the day I kissed you that it was dangerous... I knew where it would take me... and I ignored the percation signs of my heart. I went with my feelings... and god, it was worth it. I loved.

in love

I'm not afraid to be myself and make mistakes... I know that at the end of the day I'm never going to be alone. I have God and I have my family. I can't play games or play the cards others expect me to play. I only have me, and I'm going to be myself no matter what. I can't think of anything more stressful than having to watch your every step to fulfill what society thinks you should be. It's exhausting. I love my life and I love the woman that I've become. It doesn't matter if no one falls in love with me ever... I've fallen in love with myself. It's the strongest relationship I've built and I plan on nourisihing it till the end of time.

It meant more than I'd like to admit now...

Sept 26 2011 - Oct 30 2012

It hurts. It really does... I still think of him daily... I still cry sometimes. It's been easier because, well, I've done this over and over... and it's easier because I am so busy. I really put so much on my plate so that I wouldn't crumble... and it's working. I guess what hurts the most is knowing that he left not knowing anything about me... or how I felt. Not understanding the depth of my feelings for him. I don't blame him... I wasn't quite the person that I know I am. I think I was in a fog. I, however, better than ever understand how deep I can love. He means so much to me... more than I'd like to admit... more than I can handle. I have failed at grasping my feelings myself... I can't put it into words. I know it changed me... and I know it will always be a part of me one way or another. Team Suzie Q ends here.

Thesis

My world is changing: Transforming, Evolving or perhaps collapsing. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head that keep telling me to miss you, to want you, to write you. This was the closest thing to love. This felt real to me. I wish I could let go. Everywhere I look, in every single corner there you are. And silly me I really thought I was ready to move on, I thought I wanted that… but boy was I wrong. So incoherent there flirting with the future, as if it could become my present. My present is still you. You are all over my body… every cell misses you. This is disgusting. I feel so trapped and betrayed by my own damn self! This is destruction, self-sabotage… This is the definition of an addiction. I feel you’ve taken over so much of my space and my heart. All of it perhaps. Here I am venting and letting it all out, or part of it, because there is just so much that I can’t say. This is draining. I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I just want to stare at your eyes and believe that we are meant to be and that you are mine, as I am yours. This isn’t the same… as before… Now I can’t move. I literally can’t move… due to the pain at times. I need you to function. I miss you. I really really miss you. I wish you were the one, I wish I could make it all fit into the perfect stupid mold I think Love is supposed to be. But we are too strong and too unique to be shaped to meet the other's needs. I'm so lost. I wanted this to go so far... to be so much... to mean so much. I wish I could go back in time and fix things, or go back in time and not have started things. This doesn't feel like it's for me. God I miss your hands. I miss your lips. I am lost and distracted now thinking more about your presence... when I was focused on your absence. I wonder where you are, and then I really don't want to know. All I know is you're not here, you're not with me... The rest is left to my imagination... and I want to quiet the voices again. This is ridiculous. This is fatalistic and pointless... but it's my therapy. I am tired of the songs I listen to, but I love them, and I'm tired of the people that linger around to ask what's up. I don't want anybody but you. I pray for you. Every day, in my heart, I just ask God to keep you safe, to make it possible for you to be happy, to bless you, to help you through, to help you succeed. I know how bad you want things... I know I wanted them too... I wanted to be there with you. I love you. I can't deny it. I still do. I will slowly walk away, stop thinking, force myself to believe that this was just a dream. I will get over this.... but I will never forget you. You... no, not you.. but God and I ... we know. We know who you were and who you are in my life. The most special. The only one. The real one. The past was training... this wasn't really a graduation... but it was definitely the final... the thesis... I guess I failed. I flunked. I didn't pass. But God do I wish I could re take this test... do you again.. wow... again, my mind... your hands... your touch. It wanders off. I'm such a failure. I miss you. I want you. Just disappear, just stop being so stubborn even in my fictional world... in the little room in my mind... you are still sto stubborn... and you won't leave. You wont leave... 'cause I won't let you.

Random Lessons

No “attention” given by others can give someone genuine self-worth or self-esteem. It should be appreciated as a compliment, but self-concept is a very personal responsibility that no third person could be a part of. Maturity means understanding the importance of building your self-concept on the solid ground of your own values and expectations, and not of those who could just as easily destroy it. I get it, it sucks to have to look at your "missed opportunity" mental report, but the more you sit and stare at it or try to re-clain the opporunity... the more time you're wasting chasing new dreams. IT'S GONE! Drop it and move on, and LEARN to be more alert, more patient, more humble, more open, less selfish, less prideful, less ignorant... or whatever it may be. #liveandlearn #movingon I hate that I said to a handful of men in my past something along the lines of "You've taught me so much." Why? Because they didn't teach me shit. I learned, and apparently I am still learning today... but not from them, from myself. They were nothing but men being boys, or whatever... I made the decisions, or mistakes, I took the risk, I failed, I lost, I gained, I walked away, I pondered, and I came to conclusions. The only real lessons come from within, when one sits backs and meditates, re-evaluates, or simply stops thinking about the past and moves on... to then find another point to quickly glimpse back and say I DID IT. I love that I can count on me from now on. I feel like I've grown. Not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty darn good right now, amazingly great, and not because my circumstances have changed, but because my attitude did. I'm feeling victorious, and blessed... like I already have it all! #grateful #victorious No matter the meaning behind it, any time someone says to me "You've changed a lot," I take it as a compliment... Who would want to always be the same person? Never grow, never progress, never learn... NOT ME. Of course I've changed a lot, haven't you? Life seems so fast paced sometimes... and I love it. "If you couldn't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -M. Monroe