The One Hour Commute

I have an hour drive to and from work each day... But I feel like I have way more than that.  I have 12 favorite songs I get to listen to, too.  I have miles and miles of road to get lost in my thoughts, and isn't this very post proof that I, indeed, do? :-) I have a new found way to meditate.  I can roll the windows down, let the sun peak through the sunroof, and the forceful, invigorating wind dance through my hair, leaving it a tangled mess.  All while still grateful for the clean fresh air I get to breathe.  I also have thousands of big, beautiful green trees I get to see... And an old redish railroad on the side of the road reminding me of a church talk I once heard, which somehow evolved from the basic concept of why the standard gauge is 4 ft 8 1/2 inches, into a meaningful spiritual lesson of faith (or something).  There is also this small cemetery where instead of tomb stones all you see are cute little bouquets of flowers sticking up from the ground.   It always makes me smile. I also get to wonder where all these tiny, unpaved roads lead to when they disappear into the woods or in the distance... And I get to drive by this cool, zoo-safari where ostriches run wild and free across the land.  I always smile with this too because it has become an inside joke... I mean, running ostriches are hilarious, aren't they?  And some of the other animals I don't even know the name of.  If ever hungry, or just because, there are a couple fruit stands on the side of the road: organically grown berries, juicy peaches, cantaloupe melons... You name it.  There is a cute, small, wooden lake house farther down the road.  On some days, I witness the most beautiful thunderstorms and take pictures of those beautiful greens contrasting with the blues.  Others, the most incredibly beautiful Tennessee sunsets. And then sometimes, when we work late, i get to see the brightest of stars filling up the dark, country sky.  When we carpool, and we ride with the top down, I sit back and let the sun tan my skin... It's relaxing and amazing.  Sometimes we laugh till we cry.  Or we have deep talks.  And when we're almost home, there's a church we can see from a few miles away, and I find symbolism in this almost every time.  It really is way more than just an hour drive... Isn't it?

Fidelity

I finally understand fidelity.  It is not about an attempt to remain loyal to someone because you love and respect them; nor is it about an internal struggle between what you want and what is right.  Fidelity has little to do with your love for someone, because it isn't an emotional response.  Loyalty is the result of the culmination of your maturity.  It is letting go of the ego and embracing your higher self.  It is not about what you can offer someone, but about your very own identity.  It is understanding your values and your essence and acting in alignment to them.  Being loyal is not a decision you make... But a way you live and carry yourself.  Loyalty is not a method of payment... It is not a transaction.

Finding Him

The challenge is to find someone who will embrace your magnetism, reflect your light, buffer your intensity and still hold you in his arms to keep you in one piece when you're about to fall apart... But when you do find him, be ready to accept the fact that everything else becomes irrelevant. ❤️ 

Visitor

How self centered of me to call myself an artist; as if I was worthy enough to own this creative genius or imaginative energy that flows through me from time to time -well, at least in my very own, small, constricted mind.  I know that the less I try to capture it, the more it will make itself present in my life.  I am nothing but a vessel.  It's not something one can borrow to carry around and pull out your pocket when one feels like it; it's more so as the breeze that kisses your skin in a warm summer day, or the gentle sigh of a sleeping baby you get to witness when the moment of silence is just right; it's elusive and conclusive.  It's the friend you miss.  It's also the one you despise if it decides to visit you in the most imprudent of times. 

I miss it.

Cuddling

I don't like to cuddle... I don't think.  But something about this battle between the vibration of your voice and the echo of your beating heart penetrating my ear as I lay on your chest...  It pulls me in.  It's exactly where I want to be.   It's ironic to feel so safe in the very place I'm the most vulnerable.

I love

I love when you stay quiet and you let me vent; you let me be.  Still you stare at me, with admiration in your eyes, with genuine love and tolerance.  I love how loved you make me feel.  I love this peace I feel.  I love how you step back and let me dance; as I close my eyes and raise my hands up to the sky, I dance my fears away.  I love your touch, and how you manage to caress my wings; these wings that captivated you from day one.   I love that you let me fly.  I love that you are not afraid of me, and not afraid that I would leave.  Why would I ever?  You not only let me be myself, you encourage me to reinvent whatever that may be.  I love that you are distant at times, and you challenge me to strategize another kiss... And I love that when you kiss me, I remember how mine you are and how mine you'll always be.

Hypnotic

You know how someone's smile can sometimes mute all background noise... and the sparkle in their eyes is so mesmerizing and hypnotic that it paralyzes you like a toxin... Like pure venom?  You wonder if what you're feeling is raw love or an excruciating unforgiving heart attack but you can't tell the difference... Do you know what I'm talking about? You gotta remind yourself to breathe...

Resistance

You will run and hide, but the truth is... You can't.  I reside in you... Somewhere along the inch of resistance you fight daily with... The corner of your subconscious... The pulpit of your anger... I am there.  I will never leave.  I am your creation... Your pounding curiosity... And your biggest of fears.

Love... Inexplicable

Perhaps the fact that you are nonexistent, and that you are nothing but a satisfying illusion (or delusion) of the very core of my intentions... Is the reason it is possible to express my deepest feelings.  The magnitude of my covenant of love for you is infinite... It will never cease to be.  It is this very love that built the universe, and I can only grasp but a fraction of it when I think of you.  I love you.  Not in the way we were taught to know about love, but in a deeper, limitless, meaningful way.  I love you knowing there isn't a word in any language which could fully describe this.  I love you in an inexplicable way... But I do.

Silk, by J. A.

Soft is the silk that caresses my touch  The fabric that separates me from you isn’t much  Slowly and softly as my fingers engage  I peel back the layer as I would turn a new page  My waiting jewel shivers as I explore every border  ‘Til your clothes are tossed in a pile in the corner  Your breathing softly grows deeper above me  It’s soft as silk, the way you love me As my fingers are tracing a path on your skin  Your eyes open to show me your passion within  This moment we both know’s been building so long  Alone in the night and our innocence gone  I remember the way that you kept yourself guarded  Always afraid you’ll be left broken hearted  So I wait at your gate til you let me inside  It’s soft as silk how our bodies collide The moon on your skin as you offer me all  To light how our silhouettes dance on the wall  Your fears melt away in the strength of my arms  The desire between us that’s keeping us warm  Motion by motion, caress by caress  Lips upon lips and chest upon chest  Watching you close as your body is tensing  It’s soft as silk how you feel here against me Fingertips digging, our bodies align  In this moment, you feel how our souls are entwined  I savor your heart pressed against me so tight  In this moment, you’re mine, even just for tonight  The sweat on your skin in the soft summer glow  The squeeze of my hand as you let yourself go  Your breathing softly grows deeper above me  It’s soft as silk, baby, the way that you love me Good morning

I Drown

I drown in glistening ashes
Vibrant and powerful
The ashes of regret
Drowning in depths of blue water
Would be just too calm
Too peaceful, too unfair
One could swim or float
In depths of wisdom
But I can't
So I drown in heavy mud
The cold, thick, relentless
That grips to my soul so tightly
Pinning me down forever
Dragging me through thorns of truth
Where my tears burn me
I drown in a malignant fire
In spirals of unforgiving fury
Welcoming and inviting
Where my broken spirit succumbs
And my pride is your accomplice
So here, I drown in you
My demon of ferocious influence
You've slit my present and my joy
You repeatedly killed me
But you say dying is easy
Not enough revenge
Not enough forgiveness
If a debt must then be paid
I render all I could have left
Today I drowned in hell
As I drowned in your embrace

Magnificently Memorable

He had DANGER written all over his face. And not because he was a narcissistic "bad boy," but because I knew he was the type of man I would lose myself with. I didn't play hard to get; I flat out told him I wasn't interested and went about my business not fully aware of the magnitude of my attraction for him. I didn't think much of it, it wasn't like I had fallen for him (yet), but he definitely lingered in my mind for some time. It wasn't until eight months later when I found myself vulnerable and lonely that I decided to reach out to him. We finally hung out. Our conversation felt so natural and intense. I loved his sense of humor and that steamy sexy smile of his. And when he came over to take me out on a nice dinner date, we just looked at each other for what seemed to be an interminable moment, perhaps admiring the result of tedious work in front of a mirror, and I blurred out "let's just stay in." Pizza, beer and uncontrollable laughs followed. I had never felt so comfortable with a man I was this attracted to. I didn't have to fake anything, or try to impress him... He was so down to earth. It felt so simple, yet extraordinary. The two years that followed marked a very important chapter in my life. I was in love, and he was too. He turned out to be exactly the type of DANGER I was talking about earlier: my true weakness in the flesh. I lost myself. I lost control of my emotions; my sense of reality was so bent out of shape that I became the worst version of myself I could've imagined. I was irrational, compulsive, defensive... I was sad.  To this day, I'm still unable to describe the complexity of what I was going through.  I think it was a mix of insecurity and fear, with excitement and eagerness.  We had something special. Our conversations never got boring, on the contrary, they got more and more intense... Until they turned into powerful conflicts of opinions. They turned into fights. And then after countless tears and broken objects, it was over... Over a political debate on my 27th birthday. Happy birthday to me.  As intensly as it started, it had ended.   Looking back though, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world. What I saw, what I felt, and what I lived in the arms of this man was dangerously addictive but also magnificently memorable. It was hell and it was heaven. It was what I referenced earlier in a quote by Liz Gilbert: an encounter with my soul mate.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

ReGroup

I know not much about war, but I know a little about life and the self-made battlefields we put ourselves in from time to time. There comes a point when victory becomes uncertain, and you must retreat in order to regroup. Not because you've lost hope and you're ready to surrender, but because you know you've come to a decisive moment in which you must renew your courage and your strength and prepare for the final battle. You must silence the noise, estimate the casualties, evaluate the damage, pick up the pieces and formulate your winning strategy. It is perfectly okay to stop and embrace this moment... To sit still... To remain silent while the whole world continues to rotate and pass you by. But this too shall pass... And you will win.