Drowning

I remember walking around feeling so self-conscious about my mark. I remember looking around, thinking that this was a graduation field trip and it was supposed to be fun, yet the whole world around me was silent. I felt as if I was totally alone in the middle of the crowd. I don’t know why I had chosen that bathing suit, I was only 9 years old! Why was I thinking this way? Thinking that I had a deformity of some sort, I could see the kids around me making fun of me, yet they were too busy having fun to even look at me and notice. I didn’t know what felt worse. My world was falling apart. I don’t even know how I managed to climb up those stairs to go down the water slide. I knew the pool was only a meter deep, I knew I had to prove myself somehow to make it through that day. I remember getting to the top and being terrified. Yet, when I took my glasses off and everything became a blur, I thought it’d be easier to fake enthusiasm and the sense of adventure. There were none of my friends close by to even talk to or show off to! What was I thinking? I went down the water slide and as the adrenaline rush took over me in a matter of seconds, I realized it wasn’t something I was ready for. The drop was steep, the blood must have rushed through my body and my brain fast, but when I made it to the water and gravity sank me deep in it, I didn’t think I could make it out. I could see the light on the surface, but it was way above my head. I could see blurry flashes of light… but I was sinking. Then I remembered I didn’t know how to swim. I forgot that the pool was only a meter deep, I felt as I was so tiny… so small in this universe of unknown density. I let myself go thinking it wasn’t even worth the try. I remember thinking that nobody would notice, and I remember –despite the gravity of my situation- feeling more concerned about the embarrassment for becoming the center of attention. Why can’t I just sink and die and just drown to the depths of another universe somehow? Why do I have to come afloat and leave evidence that I was even there to begin with? Who even cared where I was at? It was a stupid 6th grade fieldtrip that I was invited to, being a 5th grader… just because my friend was the teacher’s daughter. It wasn’t even right. I wasn’t even supposed to be there. I don’t think anyone would’ve had a memory of me after having dropped me off so early in the morning to go on this trip. Always felt as if they felt sorry for me somehow, and that was the reason why they would let me do things like that. Not because they meant it or cared, but more out of obligation, peer pressure, society demands, etc. I guess it all plays a part of why we make decisions. I think it was guilt; perhaps not guilt but pitty. Anyway, as I drowned, I realized it was painful to breathe all that water into my lungs. It was burning my insides. I don’t even know how I managed to stand up… to stretch my legs and stand on my feet and stand up above the water. As my head surfaced over the water, cough and hyperventilating… I started to hear people talking, and kids laughing. I realized it must have been a matter of seconds that I was under water. Perhaps a long moment, but not enough for anyone to notice. I stood up, put my glasses back on, and as the droplets cleared the glass, I saw nothing but a painting of a place I didn’t want to be a part of… ever gain. I think the idea of being able to share the story, of this “grown up” adventure… was going to be more rewarding than actually being there. I got out of the pool… crying but knowing the water on my face would disguise my tears… walking towards my chair. I remember looking down at my feet, seeing my birth mark, my mole on my chest…. Feeling so disgusted at everything which defined me. My glasses, my mole, my swimsuit, my hair… my reality. I hated being so aware of who I was. I hated being so abnormal. I hated having to exist in a place that didn’t seem like home. I just remember what she said to me… that when I grew up… the things I hated –my mole, for example- would become the traits of me that I would love the most and feel the most proud of. “It will one day be the sexiest thing,” she said… and I didn’t understand what exactly that meant. But I do remember how that day made me feel hopeful about growing up. I remember wanting to skip through all that stupid phase of being a child. I didn’t get it. Normal kids didn’t know or cared about what was really going on with them as much as I did about what was going on with me. I knew so much… or it felt as if I knew more than I should’ve. It was definitely more than what I could handle… more than I knew what to do with. More than I could deal with.

Team

This is the kind of TEAM I'm used to and why this place freaks me out. A team that is more like a family, since in reality we spend more time together than our actual families. More than coworkers we were friends, the kind that would work on their day off to cover for you if you really needed it. The kind of friends who would help you move in the middle of the winter and use their own trucks to help. The kind who would baby sit your kids if you wanted a night out and do it for free. The kind who would fix your car breaks and not charge you just because they have the knowledge of it. The kind where your boss cares more about you being promoted because you deserve it and he cares, instead of caring more about how well staffed the workplace is. The kind who would let you sleep your hangover off during your lunch break and not call you back in when u were 25 minutes late since it was slow. The kind where when 3 people in the store won 4 concert tickets each decided to use the extra. Ones for the rest of the TEAM instead of their other friends. The kind who planned movie nights to hang out. The kind who will get together for RockBand and Guitar Hero nights. The kind who didn't throw a fit when you decided to take a few days off to grieve your dog's death, and in fact could empathize with you. The kind where leaders treated the top performer exactly the same was as they would treat the temp greeter... With the same respect. The kind who wouldn't think you were lying when you had to call off, but would send you a get-well soon text. The kind where service will neglect their quotas to help sales meet their, voluntarily. The kind where your DM invites the lil ol' service rep to a leadership conference out of state just because he paid attention to you and saw your potential. The kind where you are more than just a number. Where leadership worked around the schedule for you to be able to fulfill your personal dreams. The kind who despite the complication expected, still dared to plan a 10 day vacation with you... And the kind where the boss actually allowed it!! That's where I come from, that's what I'm used to... And I'd never throw my family under the bus to cover my own ass. My team will always count on me... And I rather lie and protect, than tell the truth and hurt them. Enough said.

What I Have

Well, I got my family, their infinite love and support, I have good friends, I have old letters, and my books, and my piano, and my pen. I have tons of stories, thousands of memories, I have music and movies to watch. I have my blog, and my moles, and these hands. I have experience, and freedom, and independence. I have two feet, and ears, and eyes, and long black hair. I have a few talents, and a deep way to love. I have forgiveness, and kindness in my heart. I have a heart. I also have a job, and I have challenges. I have my pillow case and a confy bed. I have Hello Kitty socks. I got a condo and a pain in the butt sometimes. I have amazing kids in my family. I have money in the bank, and a good fico score. I have a lot of songs in my head. I have ovaries, and although they are deffective, they still work. I have a brain, and I can tell you I have electricity within me, I feel my heart pumping. I have no scars in my body but I have a few in my soul... I have a bunch of tears in that good ol' bucket. I have awards. I have a passion for dance, and a love for my culture. I have traveled. I have memories of the homeless kids that I grew up around. I have friends who live in homes where the floor is dirt, and the walls are cardboard. I have a past. I have friends who deceived me, and people who hurt me. I have the strength I gained through my years. I have visions of a happy future. I have a spirit which is healing. I have the advice of wise individuals. I have the light of God in my life. I have good intentions. I have fears. I have a list of things to do before I die, and I've done quite a few of those things on my list. I have goals. I have dreams. I even have a few plans. I have emotions, and I have some control over them... but not perfection (that, for sure, I don't have). I have you, my challenge... my challenge to become a more aware individual. I have anger too. I have a map of how I'm supposed to guide my life... and I have faith. I have a story... and I have a past, yes... but more importantly... I have TIME. I don't know how much... but I know that every day I open my eyes, there lies a new opportunity for me to become a better version of myself. I have time to make decisions and time to learn from mistakes. I have time to sit here and ponder on these things... I have time to breathe and to let it all out. I have time to release the stress and the negativity of my days... and pour it all out, and leave it all behind. I have this... and I have so much more... I have way more than I deserve. I have more than I know. I am thankful for every last thing and piece of me.

Is It Worth It?

I don't know if it will be worth it to write down every single thing I remember from that night; probably not. I know it's not worth it to focus on the negative or spend any time dwelling or looking at the rear-view mirror. I feel strong somehow. I feel okay. I know that it wasn't the first and it probably won't be the last time I will be disappointed by people's actions. It's human nature to make mistakes and perhaps even to take advantage of others. I will think of this as an end. It's not the particular action, per se, but what it represents what can break you or build you. I choose to turn this negative into a positive: a breaking point... a before and after. It was just the tar that paved the way to a wonderful place where I will stand up smiling. I am still me, I haven't changed. I've learned. I know I made a mistake and I can be accountable for it. I know there is always a consequence to every action that we do. I know that once you jump off the building, there is nothing but free fall... no way out, no turning back, no way to hold on, or pause, or even look up. There is nothing but a solid surface waiting for us to hit... and a little bit of time, that's about it. But... in another aspect of my life, I'm at the top of the building right now. I have time to think and make a choice, well, I think I've made mine. Although I want to fly, I'm not going to jump. I like my freedom. This is nothing but a day... nothing but an experience. I chose to take the lesson and run away with just that. It is not worth capturing in writing a sad moment, a difficult moment, an embarrassing moment, a painful moment... to go back and read it and just suffer ? No. I will write down and capture this, what I've learned... and what kept me going. I still have time and strength... and many other things that can't ever be taken away from me.

Whatever happened...

Whatever happened to my passion for life? and the will to survive? The need of the adventure? The hopeful dreams? Where am I now? Am I back at the beginning? Should I pack up my stuff again and disappear? Should I pack the stuff I learned and then the memories? Perhaps the memories are meant to be left behind. What to do now? What's next? I know I've been distracted, perhaps I fell asleep, but I know I am still me. I know there is a spirit of greatness to be awaken... I know I have a lot to give, but not until I've found myself. Where am I going? I don't really know... I think I'm done being a little girl... I think I'm done being a woman. I think I'm done being nothing but a human looking for the life that now lacks meaning. I think it's time to awake the spirit within, the one who is eternal and doesn't seek anything but wisdom. The spirit who can impact the light in others... I feel as if I was meant to influence... to impact in a greater way. Should I go to the wilderness? Perhaps not in such sense... but, I need to get out again, I need to run... I need to fly. I need to stop pretending... I need to change again. I need to write, I need to decide. I need to be set free. Whatever happened to my story? When did it stop being written? When did I fall off the edge? Why are my words lost in time now? Why am I relevant now? This way of letting it all out, my heart out in a very distorted scripture makes me feel so liberated... makes me feel me again. Makes me feel alive once more. I laid under the sun today, and took a deep breath and felt the heat of the sun on my skin... when did I stop slowing down to feel this? to feel life? Why did it mean so much today for me to do that? Why have I stopped living? I don't want to die... I don't even want to stop existing like I did before... today I want to live!!! and today I want to leave. It doesn't matter who's beside me... what matters is what's inside of me. I feel strong right now, I've found the strength perhaps in a lost note of a forgotten song... I don't know... and I don't care. I don't want to cry anymore... I want to smile... and I want to leave again and I don't care.

Lost Forever

Lost in the ashes of what burnt before us
Perhaps a sign of hope acquired
A sign of what once lit our world
A piece of what evoked the fire

Lost in the waters of an endless sea
Illusions of our promised faith
Drowned in passions, stirred in fear
The death of all we thought was fate

Lost forever in a heart of rainbows
Waiting for a promise, for our angel
Lifeless love of fun and magic lies
Hearts of stone our souls were playful

Lost like in that infamous triangle
Dreams and visions of a glorious future
Shattered like glass, destroyed intentions
Eyes by tears sheen, our life a failure