Bits and Pieces

I’m about to drop the towel, all these feelings are familiar and still destructive. I’m seeking a stronger connection; I wanna be his center of attention. What’s the point of saying I’m so great if right after it the word I hear is ‘but’? I’m done trying to work my way around true love, feeling like I’m never good enough. Don’t wanna sit here alone anymore, dealing and staying in the shadows? Waiting for things to happen like if I was guilty of a crime… furtively walking along his side. My love is great and strong, way better than this… perhaps I’m better off alone. All I have to give has broken wings; it’s bottled up, decaying. If it’s not this, it’s that… but never the same love I get back. Oh well… Must be the choices I’ve made, not thought through. Maybe this happens because I seem to waste my time searching for dwarfs. I haven’t been careful and there’s always a price to be paid. 

 

I’m tired of being understanding, calm, centered and in control of my emotions when in reality I am not. Apparently, yes, I'm in control… because I keep them inside. But inside is where they dwell; these emotions are nothing but a vortex of feelings, of pain, and confusion. I am exhausted and I am drained. 

I know where I want to go and I shouldn’t be trying to involve others when I know I can only take myself there. I’m done… being patient, understanding, passive, condescending, accepting… F*** that! It’s about time I shine, time to be true to myself and my inner desires. Time to stand up and fight for what is right for me… I am WAY BETTER than this. I am done cheating myself of what I deserve. Settling with portions, fragments, pieces… and promises of how tomorrow things will change. I am out.

Yes, 'cause I'm tired of always hearing the same lines... about how great I am... followed by the "but's" ... what the fuck is that supposed to mean?  Nooooo, there will be no more of that for me!!!!!!

I need to surround myself with those who are on the same page, on the same level, ready for something GREAT and AMAZING… because I know what's next for me and I have no time to waste.  The right time is now... for me... if it's not for you then just disappear.

~~~~~~~~~~

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Ese Algo

Si tan solo pudiese caputurar este inmenso sentimiento de emocion, de poder, de amor, de felicidad.  Ese que se siente al escuchar o ver desenlaces felices, historias de reencuentros, de compasion, de perdon, de oportunidades especiales... todo eso me conmueve.  El sentir como lagrimas caen de mis ojos al contemplar la grandeza de Dios en el amor que emana de Sus hijos.  Si tan solo pudiese preservar la intensidad de esos momentos, para solo asi sentir Su amor infinitamente, y la profunda gratitud tras poder disfrutar de esto sin interrupcion.  Pareciera que la vida y lo trivial nos privan de tanto, nos roban de todo.  Si tan solo pudiese olvidar los dolores, las heridas, los rencores, lo cotidiano, lo insignificante... para saborear lo dulce de la vida, de mi historia o la de ellos, para gozar de los sonidos, de los colores, de las miradas sinceras que regalan amor.  Si tan solo la caridad fuese como una nota sostenida, si el amor fuese duradero como los latidos, si la compasion perdurara mas alla de la noche.  Solo son pensamientos, y despues me entristezco al comprender que la emocion ha decaido, desde el principio de mis letras hasta ahora, va muriendo, se desgarra por lo inutil.  Se muere el momento por que no persiste ante tanto ruido, ante tanto de lo mismo... ese algo que digo que nos roba de todo. 

Randomness of an Illusion

Randomness of an Illusion

My body aches, my eyes demand some sleep, but my mind is wide awake, expecting me to express how much this means. I have no strength to control the way my thoughts flow towards you; towards the image of your eyes and your face in the back of my own. Even if I did, I’d have no desire to refrain them. I have no hope for some sort of fairy tale; all I have is an idea of what this could become. I have no fear, no envy… although I know you’re not mine. Not like you were a thing to be owned. I know all I own is what I imagine before I fall asleep, or the echo of your voice in my ears when I hang up the phone. All this makes me feel like I’m your queen; whatever they might say, I couldn’t lose my ground: I own my thoughts. All that’s left is mine, not yours… This is my treasure, my little guilty pleasure. All I say might be or not be true, you’ll never know; I guess we both have things to risk. Whose years have taught the lesson well, yours or mine? To know that love is what we make it, or it’s as unreal as we let it. It doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day we both have a thing to enjoy, and another one keeping us annoyed. It’s not something to be fixed right now… perhaps the moment we try to fix it we will destroy it. Might as well live the moment, seek no reaping just yet. Might as well let it be… let it grow… or let it go.

Your Biggest Fan

(This isn't a poem -duh! lol-.... it's more of a sonnet, or rap, or whatever...)

Baby, my eyes stay open when you think they’re closed

Don’t think I don’t know what I may choose to ignore

You wanna be with me, you gotta focus on this, you see

Keep me interested, keep my attention, or I’m gone to do me

Don’t you play games, can’t you see I’m scarred already

I don’t have time or days to deal with pain, so it’s whatever

Keep it real ‘cause I am here to love you, the way no one else has ever shown you

I am here to give you wings, not keep you locked up, retained

I’m your biggest fan babe, I wanna help you your dreams attain

Fly to heights you never dreamed possible, I’m here to witness and applaud for you

Don’t you think I’m just saying, don’t you think I’m just playing

This smile you see is real, as real as what I feel when I dream of ya

Distance won’t stop me from wanting to do crazy things to ya

Don’t get impatient my love, the wait will be well worth it

You have no idea what runs through my mind at night

Before I fall asleep, just wishing your hands were holding me tight

Plastic Love

Plastic Love

Sometimes we fall for those ‘I love you’s made of plastic. We live in a fantasy world oblivious of the cold truth, or perhaps we choose to ignore it to momentarily cease our thirst for affection. It’s our need of attention what drives us to make the dumbest mistakes, or lose the greatest of gifts: our dignity and self respect. We succumb to these disguised caring, loving, and attractive passions. The mask sooner or later falls off and we find ourselves alone and robbed of our virtues, our strength, our energy, our innocence, our faith, our hearts and our days. Sometimes we lose ourselves when we become the reflection of someone else; we mistake real love with the plastic kind. It’s not strong enough, it's cheap, it s plain, it revolves around looks, bodies, things... and then the next best thing. People we claim to love turn out to be disposable. It becomes about sexual fragmentation, manipulation, opportunism. It's so depressing... What have we become? We can't choose a certain few or be selective when it comes to showing our good values... It makes us dishonest, fake, not of good character. If we are righteous, respectful and fair only to those of our liking, it reveals that we do it to fulfill our selfish intentions, but not because we possess a genuine good and righteous character. Sooner or later our real self comes out and the plastic love breaks into pieces, like if it were of glass. It's deceit. This which I express is not bitterness, nor pessimism, this is real disappointment based on real situations and not just a failed enthusiastic optimism. This thought isn’t just based on my unaccomplished dreams, but on broken hearts, and real lies that’ve killed. Some say I think too much. I'd say I think too much -like a woman-. Despite it all I still believe in true love. I still want to fall in love... with someone who will give me the real true love, and not the plastic kind

Alien Love

Earlier today I had a few phrases in mind which I thought would make a good poem. These were generated by a thought that came to me while at work while thinking -once again- about the past. They had something to do with pain, the scars and how sometimes we become accustomed to the suffering that we allow it to become part of our nature. I knew it would be a sad and dark poem. When I got home, I tried to put it into words, but I couldn’t finish it. The idea was there, even the feeling, but the words just couldn’t come together. Later, I went to speak with my good friend who’s helping me with my personal healing process. He talked to me about different things, but one thing stood out, and then I became inspired to write about this instead. We both concurred that this is something I have not yet experienced, therefore is something I don’t fully understand or even know how to appreciate. The way he talked about his wife, about the 37 years they have been together, what she meant to him, how much she loved her, and how much better his life has turned out because of her just impacted me. I strive not to be bitter about what I’ve been through, but life and reality has made me skeptical about such love; not so much about the strength or power of true love, but the duration and intensity of it. I always think of it as something that dies down, wears out, or changes into something lethargic. I've learned to see it as a cycle, not at all something that could be infinite.  Tonight I challenged my own conclusions. I have no idea how true love works, or how it feels. I have no idea how to achieve it, where to find it, how rare it really is; but I know it does exist, and that although it is something so alien to me, it is definitely something I am inspired to write about, learn about, look and hope for. It is my hope that we all get a chance some day to experience the powerful, magnificent, everlasting, infinite feeling of true love.

All the words invented would fall short in our attempt to describe it, since the definition of this love is really out of this world. It’s something our limited minds can’t begin to define; it’s something so deep and strong no force can destroy. It’s knowing that you are not meant to be alone, and knowing that you’ll never again have to be after you’ve found the one you want beside you. It’s seeing the years pass you by and realizing that you’re not growing old, but that you’re just growing closer. It’s not the sensation we feel when we see our loved one, it’s the potent spiritual sensation and feeling we experience when we close our eyes and even just think about that person. It knows that no matter what, the feeling or energy of love is not something that will ever fade away or cease to exist. You know that love is only expanded by the passage of time, it’s growing, continuously progressing, continually overcoming every obstacle.  It understands that it is only magnified as time passes by. It knows that you can only do great things with that person by your side, it knows that there’s no better way to be.  Holding their hand, sitting down on the couch after a long day, feeling so happy and blessed to be able to come home to talk and share some time with them. Waking up every morning to see the person you love most right there beside you. It’s being excited about coming home to find him or her. It’s feeling excited about being with your soul mate even if there is no conversation, even if it’s just to enjoy their presence. True love is more than the romance, more than the passion, the attraction, the excitement, the complicity, the courtship, the illusion… It is loving every second of it, the good and the bad, the struggles, the confrontations and understandings, the experiences, the moments, the nights and days together, the games, the chores, the tears and the smiles. It’s the feeling of comfort, peace, joy, calmness, love and happiness you can only feel when they’re beside you. It's knowing that your main purpose on this earth is to ensure your loved one is happy, is putting their needs before your own.  It is doing everything in your power to help your soul mate become the best person they can be, helping them achieve their ultimate potential, enjoying their happiness as if it were your own, because IT IS your own.  Seeing them shine and feeling blessed and pleased to be with them, to be a part of their life, to have them with you.  It is serving them. It is loving them forever and ever, not till death do you apart, but for the eternities. Love is something so powerful, so amazing, so great… It is worth looking for, it is worth finding, it is worth achieving it, it is worth making your best effort to make it work, and make it last. It is definitely worth waiting for

One Day

One day, it's good enough
I only want myself
and I'm okay with you hanging on my side
One day, it's just about it
I seek nothing else
nothing more than this day
One day, I don't want to talk
I seek not the depth of your words
but just the light of those stars
One day, I am weak
I am in chains and content
The clouds block my sky
The one I'll cry for the next day
One day, you can smile
You can grasp your success
It's so vain and disgusting
but it's just what we deserve
One day, I feel lazy to love
Insant passion is enough
Nothing more here for us
Just our fun and it's done
One day, I refuse to think
I only act by the blood
No memories can save me
I know I'll still walk alone
One day I laugh
it's a cycle I live in
Only few know of this
for now I survive
Tomorrow I'll cry
One day is today
and there's not much to say
words are so plain
but tomorrow I'll change

Hormonal Emotion

The Cycle of a Hormonal Emotion

It's new, then interesting

It's interesting, then exciting

It's exciting, then intense

It's intense, then demanding

It's demanding, then predictable

It's predictable, then boring

It's boring, then indifferent

It's indifferent, then old

It's old, then dead

It's dead, then it's gone.




The sad part is that many call itLOVE.

Ruthless Lines

How do I survive these melancholic nights?

Missing the rhythmic movement of our bed

Hearing you breathe, feeling the sound behind my neck

But now I only fantasize the dreams we used to dream before we slept

How do I survive these monotonous days?

Unable to drown myself in the depth of your dark eyes

Lost and confused, not knowing where to place my hand

Vulnerable and weak, without the shield I thought I’d found in your chest

How do I deal with these impertinent memories?

How does one manage to bury what’s not yet dead?

Memories of passion linger vividly around the house

And I still feel the warmth of your sleeping body embraced around my legs

How do I craft a genuine smile on a gloomy face?

Who masters the surreal art of moving on, and getting over a true love?

How do I successfully quench this potent thirst?

Longing for your rough hands around my beseeching waist

How do I write the epilogue of a story I don’t wish to end?

A part of me silently and irrevocably awaits

Like you, I render to my ruthless lines, yearning to forget

Exhausted but hopeful that they the memories will one day fade away