Letter to Joe

Letter to Joe (and other special friends) Dear Joe, I am very sorry that I have not been able to return your calls.  I have been going through a lot lately.  I hope you're doing great and that your projects are running smoothly and successfully.  I miss talking with you. Yes, I was in Utah for eight days in the beginning of the month.  My sister and I went to vist some friends, and we also went to the church's general conference which is held in Salt Lake City every six months.  It was a very special and emotional experience for us both. I have been working too, as usual... and you know those retail hours can get rough.  That's one negative of my job, but the rest is pretty much a walk in the park and fun for the most part. Let me tell you a little more about what has been going on.  You probably heard the news... but well, in case you haven't... here it is:  I found out I was pregnant about a month and half ago.  It was a shock, unplanned pregnancy of course.  Overwhelming experience. Finding out was very hard for me.  I wasn't ready for something like that.  I understood that I had acted irresponsibily, since my ex-husband and I, although back together, were not in a stable relationship yet.  I felt guilty and worried about me and my baby's future.  I can't deny that for several hours I wished it was a dream, or that somehow it wasn't true, or even that I lost it somehow. I went to see the doctor the next day.  I got blood tests done and even an ultrasound to confirm this.  There it was, this little thing beginning to grow.  Amazing. Anyway, after a few days I was less stressed out and more calmed.  The weeks went by and I told the news to my family and friends.  I became excited about the idea, I knew it was something that I had always wanted, and although the situation wasn't the greatest I knew that I could find a way to make it all work out.  I kept thinking about the words you said about how every decision that we make, when we have kids, affects them for the next 80 years.  I was still concerned, but more excited and happy than before.  I wanted the baby, and I was loving it. I didn't want to fail.  I wanted to change my negative thoughts and enjoy what I was going thorugh.  My friends and family were concerned but supportive.  After a few more weeks everybody was used to the idea.  I was totally excited and happy about the great blessing I was embracing.  I started reading, researching, interviewing (informally), and just trying to learn as much as I could about all this, trying to prepare myself for what was coming. Today I had another visit to the Dr.  I was supposed to be ten and a half weeks in, but they found out that the baby (fetus, I should say) stopped growing at seven and a half weeks and there was not heartbeat.  I had a missed miscarriage, apparently.  I am devastated.  I know I probably wasn't ready to be a mother, and that maybe God knew it wasn't the right time for this little spirit to come to the world, but I can't help to grief and suffer for having to go through this. There are many women out there that are blessed with babies and they don't appreciate them.  I know several that just gave their child to their dads to go on with their lives.  Another girl I know (not my friend or anything) just had an abortion a few weeks ago just because she didn't want to have the baby.  It just breaks my heart.  If I had my doubts before, after this, I can honestly say that I'm 100% pro-life forever.  I know everything happens for a reason; I know God still has a plan for me and that I'm still special tp Him.  Today, I thought that maybe He didn't trust me enough to let me guide one of His children through this life.  But I am trying to accept that maybe this was just a learning experience for me.  Maybe He's trying to get something through my head that I never understood, or accepted before.  Whatever it is, I do not feel anger towards my God, and I don't blame anybody for what has happened.  I know that someday I will become a mother, and I will be wiser and more prepared for it than I was now.  I just wished this wasn't as painful.  I never believed that this could hurt so much.  I had heard other women and I always judged them to be exagerating and wanting to just get attention.  I was wrong.  I didn't even show yet, I didn't feel a thing, but my mind and heart had already developed such strong feelings difficult to explain or express. Being in Utah made me think about the way I want to live my life.  I got to meet great people, and great families.  It's something that I want for mine, I want there to be love and respect in my home.  I loved having the church and the teachings of JesusChrist all around me.  It's a great place, I even considered moving there.  In fact, I applied for some jobs in the area.  I am just looking for a better future.  I did it thinking about my baby, but I need a change myself.  I need to start fresh, start over.  Who knows?   I just might move there someday. I am sorry for writing so much about myself and my feelings.  I don't mean to take so much of your time and I am not trying to make you or anybody feel sorry for me.  If I wrote you this is because I know you're trustworthy and you're a special friend to me, whom I love and look up to. I hope you're doing great, and I hope all those kids are doing great too.  I heard there was a chicken sale, how did it go?   How are politics?  Are you moving to Indy soon or what?  Well, Joe... Thanks for reading my email, thanks for your calls.  Take care, and I hope to see you soon. Your friend, Susana ********************************************************* Ethan and Melaney, Only you two can read this blog... I thought I'd share with you how I felt today... I appreciate your friendship and support.  I will be okay.  Much love, Susana