Thesis

My world is changing: Transforming, Evolving or perhaps collapsing. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head that keep telling me to miss you, to want you, to write you. This was the closest thing to love. This felt real to me. I wish I could let go. Everywhere I look, in every single corner there you are. And silly me I really thought I was ready to move on, I thought I wanted that… but boy was I wrong. So incoherent there flirting with the future, as if it could become my present. My present is still you. You are all over my body… every cell misses you. This is disgusting. I feel so trapped and betrayed by my own damn self! This is destruction, self-sabotage… This is the definition of an addiction. I feel you’ve taken over so much of my space and my heart. All of it perhaps. Here I am venting and letting it all out, or part of it, because there is just so much that I can’t say. This is draining. I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I just want to stare at your eyes and believe that we are meant to be and that you are mine, as I am yours. This isn’t the same… as before… Now I can’t move. I literally can’t move… due to the pain at times. I need you to function. I miss you. I really really miss you. I wish you were the one, I wish I could make it all fit into the perfect stupid mold I think Love is supposed to be. But we are too strong and too unique to be shaped to meet the other's needs. I'm so lost. I wanted this to go so far... to be so much... to mean so much. I wish I could go back in time and fix things, or go back in time and not have started things. This doesn't feel like it's for me. God I miss your hands. I miss your lips. I am lost and distracted now thinking more about your presence... when I was focused on your absence. I wonder where you are, and then I really don't want to know. All I know is you're not here, you're not with me... The rest is left to my imagination... and I want to quiet the voices again. This is ridiculous. This is fatalistic and pointless... but it's my therapy. I am tired of the songs I listen to, but I love them, and I'm tired of the people that linger around to ask what's up. I don't want anybody but you. I pray for you. Every day, in my heart, I just ask God to keep you safe, to make it possible for you to be happy, to bless you, to help you through, to help you succeed. I know how bad you want things... I know I wanted them too... I wanted to be there with you. I love you. I can't deny it. I still do. I will slowly walk away, stop thinking, force myself to believe that this was just a dream. I will get over this.... but I will never forget you. You... no, not you.. but God and I ... we know. We know who you were and who you are in my life. The most special. The only one. The real one. The past was training... this wasn't really a graduation... but it was definitely the final... the thesis... I guess I failed. I flunked. I didn't pass. But God do I wish I could re take this test... do you again.. wow... again, my mind... your hands... your touch. It wanders off. I'm such a failure. I miss you. I want you. Just disappear, just stop being so stubborn even in my fictional world... in the little room in my mind... you are still sto stubborn... and you won't leave. You wont leave... 'cause I won't let you.