Thesis

My world is changing: Transforming, Evolving or perhaps collapsing. I wish I could quiet the voices in my head that keep telling me to miss you, to want you, to write you. This was the closest thing to love. This felt real to me. I wish I could let go. Everywhere I look, in every single corner there you are. And silly me I really thought I was ready to move on, I thought I wanted that… but boy was I wrong. So incoherent there flirting with the future, as if it could become my present. My present is still you. You are all over my body… every cell misses you. This is disgusting. I feel so trapped and betrayed by my own damn self! This is destruction, self-sabotage… This is the definition of an addiction. I feel you’ve taken over so much of my space and my heart. All of it perhaps. Here I am venting and letting it all out, or part of it, because there is just so much that I can’t say. This is draining. I love you. I miss you. I want to see you. I just want to stare at your eyes and believe that we are meant to be and that you are mine, as I am yours. This isn’t the same… as before… Now I can’t move. I literally can’t move… due to the pain at times. I need you to function. I miss you. I really really miss you. I wish you were the one, I wish I could make it all fit into the perfect stupid mold I think Love is supposed to be. But we are too strong and too unique to be shaped to meet the other's needs. I'm so lost. I wanted this to go so far... to be so much... to mean so much. I wish I could go back in time and fix things, or go back in time and not have started things. This doesn't feel like it's for me. God I miss your hands. I miss your lips. I am lost and distracted now thinking more about your presence... when I was focused on your absence. I wonder where you are, and then I really don't want to know. All I know is you're not here, you're not with me... The rest is left to my imagination... and I want to quiet the voices again. This is ridiculous. This is fatalistic and pointless... but it's my therapy. I am tired of the songs I listen to, but I love them, and I'm tired of the people that linger around to ask what's up. I don't want anybody but you. I pray for you. Every day, in my heart, I just ask God to keep you safe, to make it possible for you to be happy, to bless you, to help you through, to help you succeed. I know how bad you want things... I know I wanted them too... I wanted to be there with you. I love you. I can't deny it. I still do. I will slowly walk away, stop thinking, force myself to believe that this was just a dream. I will get over this.... but I will never forget you. You... no, not you.. but God and I ... we know. We know who you were and who you are in my life. The most special. The only one. The real one. The past was training... this wasn't really a graduation... but it was definitely the final... the thesis... I guess I failed. I flunked. I didn't pass. But God do I wish I could re take this test... do you again.. wow... again, my mind... your hands... your touch. It wanders off. I'm such a failure. I miss you. I want you. Just disappear, just stop being so stubborn even in my fictional world... in the little room in my mind... you are still sto stubborn... and you won't leave. You wont leave... 'cause I won't let you.

Random Lessons

No “attention” given by others can give someone genuine self-worth or self-esteem. It should be appreciated as a compliment, but self-concept is a very personal responsibility that no third person could be a part of. Maturity means understanding the importance of building your self-concept on the solid ground of your own values and expectations, and not of those who could just as easily destroy it. I get it, it sucks to have to look at your "missed opportunity" mental report, but the more you sit and stare at it or try to re-clain the opporunity... the more time you're wasting chasing new dreams. IT'S GONE! Drop it and move on, and LEARN to be more alert, more patient, more humble, more open, less selfish, less prideful, less ignorant... or whatever it may be. #liveandlearn #movingon I hate that I said to a handful of men in my past something along the lines of "You've taught me so much." Why? Because they didn't teach me shit. I learned, and apparently I am still learning today... but not from them, from myself. They were nothing but men being boys, or whatever... I made the decisions, or mistakes, I took the risk, I failed, I lost, I gained, I walked away, I pondered, and I came to conclusions. The only real lessons come from within, when one sits backs and meditates, re-evaluates, or simply stops thinking about the past and moves on... to then find another point to quickly glimpse back and say I DID IT. I love that I can count on me from now on. I feel like I've grown. Not gonna lie, I'm feeling pretty darn good right now, amazingly great, and not because my circumstances have changed, but because my attitude did. I'm feeling victorious, and blessed... like I already have it all! #grateful #victorious No matter the meaning behind it, any time someone says to me "You've changed a lot," I take it as a compliment... Who would want to always be the same person? Never grow, never progress, never learn... NOT ME. Of course I've changed a lot, haven't you? Life seems so fast paced sometimes... and I love it. "If you couldn't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -M. Monroe

Just because...

I was watching this TV show tonight... and the guy said something that I really liked. I posted it on facebook, but I will try to keep this blog updated with the things that catch my "mind" too, haha. :) Life is blooming... I feel like a grown woman... finally embracing how imperfect I am. I used to always feel frustrated for what I was lacking... seeing my glass half empty. But now... even if it's less than half... I see what's filling me up... I see what makes me, me. This is a new feeling. I love new things. I love new chapters. I feel awake.




"Just 'cause you understand the mechanics of how something works... doesn't make it any less of a miracle... which is just another word for magic."

4 Susana

This is tne beginning of 2012. I couldn't be more excited about the newness of my life. I've found love... Well, I didn't say I've found Mr. Perfect, but I've found a man who is right for me and who is loving and caring... and very unique. I've moved into a new apartment and it is lovely. I've decorated it with my own style, my own things, and I feel like I'm home for once. This year was great... (2011). this was the year of adjusting to moving back home, to realizing that I wasn't moving backwards, but that I was just moving into a new chapter of my life. I've also learned that everything I've done... was ultimately for me. Everything I've ever writte, was perhaps about someone else... but ultimately it was written by me... and for me. I want to continue to write, I want to continue to dream and to organize my ideas into words. I know I don't always make sense... and that's okay... I just like making record of what I think, what I feel, and who I am. I know I will change... so I want to capture the essence of myself in every moment. This blog is for me... and I love it.