I’ve realized that I’ve mistakenly rejected or avoided those very few who have or had the ability to understand me. Perhaps it was my fear to feel exposed, or vulnerable to someone who inevitably would have great power over me. I know it must've been insecurity, but the loss of control (or what I perceived as that) wasn't something I was ready for. Instead I chose to be around those who only underestimated me. Disappointment was nothing but a deserved result. I was so dependent to feeling safe. I always prided myself in my accomplishments, or my independence, thinking that it only entailed self-sufficiency. Little did I know that I was nothing but a slave: a slave of my own fears and erroneous ideas. Now, I am a work in progress, I have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm closer as now I understand what freedom really means.
I always thought that independence guaranteed freedom; I still do, but my understanding of independence has completely changed. I associated independence with having money, things or means (or not having to rely on someone else's financial support to survive). I was wrong; turns out you’re never as free as when you find yourself with nothing. Not one thing at all to hold you down… to cut your wings. Not owing anything... but also not owning anything. Independence is about your insights, your self-reflection, your stimulus to live. If you don’t know yourself, if you don’t have absolute control of your thoughts, feelings and ideas, things like cars, money, clothes can enslave you and keep you exactly where you are, forever. Letting go of the materialistic possessions, letting go of trivial concerns –those which society injects into our minds- to seek a higher purpose, a deeper meaning, a better understanding of your own existence… that’s where freedom lies. Being able to run free, move to a new city, find a way to travel the world, to disappear, to let go of it all, to choose your thoughts, to choose yourself, to control what you feel, to live happy by choice, to know who you are and love yourself for just that; now that’s freedom, and that's what I see now as the independence I'm striving for.
