Eternal Wound

Eternal Wound
Current mood: contemplative

I'm thankful that I remember this feeling, for it makes me realize how stronger I've become.  I'm thankful that I can be inspired by others, to not only write (for you can see I'm not the best at it) but also to just ponder upon these things.  I am grateful that I know that eternal wounds can also heal, and that the pain will cease.  I am thankful for my life, for those who loved me and for those who didn't.  I am thankful for this moment, because there aren't any more tears.

Eternal wound: It's the kind of wound that we can't see, yet we can't deny it exists because we feel it burning us inside.  It's the feeling that we get at night, when everyone else sleeps, and in our attempt to do the same we only find ourselves gasping for air, fighting the pain and the tears from coming down our cheeks.  It's the suffering we wonder will go away.  It's the emptiness, the loneliness.  We can't seem to find that strength to impulse ourselves back up from that cold hole.  It's an eternal wound, for we let it get to us, we still ask ourselves what went wrong, where we messed up, we wonder when that moment was when we woke up from that sweet dream we once called love.  The wound that will always hurt, because we can't always think logically, we can't always move on.  The pain in the chest, yes, that physical pain we can't deny… it comes when we're alone… but geez, we always feel alone, even when people are around us.  We know ours is an eternal wound when months later we find ourselves stopping a simple task with a panic attack, or a strong desire to cry. We still wonder if she or he will call.  We still think of what he/she might be doing.  We are still waiting for answers; we're still waiting for that call.  We still wonder if that person still thinks about us; we wonder if they ever cried like we did; we wonder if they moved on.  We hope for a moment again, like those in our past, another chance to do things right, or just another chance to hear their voice.  We seek to be sedated even if that means to live a lie.   We seek to find in that an escape, a moment of peace.  We dream…. But still, that wound's still there… and it will hurt us forever, or at least that's how it seems.

The next is from the book New Moon by Stephanie Meyer.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.  Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing.  My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold.  I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together.  I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive.  I was alert, I felt the pain-- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head-- but it was manageable.  I could live through it.  It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Our Dance

I stopped seeing the people around us; I stopped wondering if they thought I looked good; I stopped worrying about my hair getting curly due to the sweat.  I stopped thinking, wondering, worrying, and I just felt the music like never before in my life, and the rhythm took over me.  It is difficult to explain, but the feeling was amazing.  It was blissful.  It was like if that moment was meant to be, everything in order, or perhaps everything out of place, yet in perfect harmony.  My shoes were off, I didn't care.  I was smiling and enjoying every second of it.  The songs kept changing, so did the genres of music…(salsa, merengue, hip hop, nortena, reggaeton, even country!) but I didn't want to stop, I couldn't stop.  His hands led me around, moved me, turned me, touched me, handled me with passion and I could tell that he was enjoying it just as much as I was. It was truly like making love in the club, to a whole new level. No, it wasn't sexual, but it was passionate, it was sensual. It felt right in every way. Nothing else mattered then; both of us were determined to dance until we couldn't move, or until the music stopped, and it felt like it would never happen… I felt thankful for that. No, we didn't stop. We kept going… we didn't sleep that night. We were smiling that night. We got up on stage, and danced… just us. I think people felt it too, or perhaps they didn't… but the moment was ours so it didn't matter. I've never danced like that in my life. I would describe that night as perfect. No, I'm not saying I'm the best dancer, I'm not saying we were perfect to others' eyes while doing it… but it was indeed perfection, to me, maybe to him as well. It was the most exciting moment I've experienced in a very long time. It was a moment, that lasted several hours… a moment in which I felt completely happy. Nothing else bothered me. I knew that it would last forever… the feeling… the experience… the passion I felt while doing what I love most. My body, my heart and my mind were in sync. I had a lot of fun. It was far beyond fun, it was sublime. I am glad I got to experience this… with him, a great dancer, an awesome friend, a great man. I didn't want the night to end... I didn't want to leave him. It was really meant to happen. My body was loose, alowing me to move like never before; every muscle and bone in my body participated, it felt like running water... so natural. I loved it! What an awesome experience! I couldn't have asked for more.  (September 17, 2008)

A Ella

Mami,

Estoy pensando mucho en ti esta noche y decidi escribirte.  La verdad es que extrano mucho tenerles cerca y a veces me siento sola.  Quisiera abrazarles y escucharles; y tengo miedo de que se olviden de mi.  No se muy bien por que estoy aqui, tan lejos, no se si valga la pena… pero tambien he podido comprender lo importante que son en mi vida y lo mucho que les amo.  He comprendido que los momentos mas felices de mi vida, los momentos mas especiales y mas plenos han sido al lado de ustedes.  Y tambien que pase lo que pase, siempre les voy a llevar en el corazon, y siempre tendre el mismo amor por cada uno de ustedes, para siempre.  Ese amor nunca dejara de ser. 

Mama, veo las fotos de Erick y no puedo evitar sentir un gran dolor.  Es dificil de explicar y no se por que me llega tanto.  Se que todo eso quedo atras pero siento mucho dolor al pensar en  lo que tu pasaste.  No puedo concebir en mi mente lo dificil que ha de haber sido para ti; no se por que pienso en esto… mas ultimamente, por alguna razon.  Quiza ni deberia de decirte esto, alterar los viejos sentimientos... pero siempre fue tan ajeno a mi, y yo no puedo vivir sin decirte que lo siento mucho.  Solo quiero que sepas que eres la mujer mas fuerte, mas importante, y mas buena que conozco.  Te admiro mucho.  Te amo mucho mama.  Lamento mucho que hayas tenido que soportar eso.  Pero tambien quiero agradecerte, por haber sido fuerte, por haber sobrevivido, pues por tu fuerza es que yo estoy aqui, por que tomaste una buena decision en retomar tu vida; yo estoy viva, y existo, y he aprendido cosas, y sigo aprendiendo... y quiero decirte GRACIAS por que fue gracias a tu fuerza y valor!  Gracias por no haberte rebelado contra Dios tras pasar esa dura prueba.  Gracias por haberme ensenado de Dios, y haberme ensenado quien soy.

Me gustaria decirte que todas tus palabras son importantes para mi, y que aunque he ignorado tus consejos muchas veces, tu buen ejemplo y tu amor es algo que no se puede ignorar.  Te llevo siempre en mi vida, y quisiera llegar a ser tan fuerte como tu, tan buena como tu.  No quiero perderte nunca mama.  Quiero saber que realmente vamos a estar juntas para siempre, y esa es mi verdadera felicidad.  No quiero hacer nada que ponga eso en riesgo… les necesito mucho en mi vida. 

Me encanta hablar contigo, escuchar tus historias, tus cuentos, tus experiencias.  Siempre me llegan al alma y me haces llorar.  Cuando era nina me gustaba mucho escucharte tocar el piano y bailar, y esas cosas me hacian sentir mas cerca de ti.  Mama, yo recuerdo muchas cosas, y se que yo era nina pero siempre estube consciente de que trabajabas mucho para sacarnos adelante.  Pero cada cosa que hacias, tenia gran impacto en mi vida.  Recuerdo que en las noches de tormenta, salias de tu cuarto y te hibas a dormir con nosotras por que sabias que nos daban miedos los relampagos… y te quedabas ahi hasta que nos dormiamos.  Recuerdo la angustia que sentias cada vez que nos enfermabamos y como nos atendias.  Recuerdo cuando hacias de cenar, y recuerdo mucho esa casa… que aun sueno seguido. 

No se por que pienso ahora en esas cosas… es solo que pienso en ti, y no se si eres feliz, o has sido feliz, y quisiera saber que lo fuiste o lo eres pero me siento impotente y siento que no he hecho nada por ti.  Quiza he hecho cosas buenas que te han complacido, pero en realidad siento que nunca he hecho algo por ti, para demostrate que te amo. 

Si has sufrido por mi culpa, perdoname.  Si mis decisiones te han herido, lo siento.  Pero no quiero perderte, no quiero dejar de sentirte mi amiga, y quisiera que siempre estuvieramos unidas… y que cada dia nuestra relacion se hiciera mas fuerte. 

La verdad es que mi vida ha estado llena de bendiciones.  No he pasado duras pruebas en comparacion a las que tu ya habias vivido a mi edad.  Me siento a veces tan culpable, tan indigna de la vida que vivo.  Siento que tengo todo, tengo mucho mas de lo que merezco, sin embargo encuentro motivos por los cuales sentirme incomoda, inconforme, necesitada.  Quiero ser mas agradecida, mas amable; quiero ser mejor.

Mama, no dejes de hablarme, de ensenarme, de exhortarme.  Pese a la distancia, te sigo necesitando igual.  A veces siento que en vez de madurar o crecer, me confundo mas, me pierdo mas… y por eso te necesito.

Tu siempre has sabido quien eres; y te aferras a tus principios, a tus valores… como te admiro.

Pareciera que en estos tiempos uno se distrae de las cosas importantes.  Pero cada buena decision que yo he tomado, cada parte buena de  mi personalidad y de mi escencia existe gracias a ti.  Gracias a lo que tu fuiste, eres, a lo que ensenaste hablando, y lo que ensenaste por medio de tu ejemplo.

Te voy a decir algo, y te lo digo en serio… y desde el fondo de mi corazon.

La bendicion mas grande en  mi vida, la cosa mas buena que me ha pasado, lo mejor de mi ser, por lo que yo mas me siento agradecida en esta tierra, en esta existencia, es el hecho de ser tu hija, y tenerles a ustedes como mi familia. Realmente… el haber venido a esta vida, a formar parte de tu vida, y tenerte en la mia, el haber aprendido de ti, y todo lo que soy… es lo que mas me hace feliz… Y no lo cambiaria por nada.  Daria la vida por cualquiera de ustedes, sin dudarlo un segundo.  Los amo mucho… a ti mama, a mi papa, a Dinorah, Checo, Azucena... y aun a Erick, aunque no lo conoci.  Amo a mis sobrinos Isaias, Ezequiel, Erick, Alex, Abi… y ahora el que esta en camino.  Son todo lo que tengo, y lo que yo mas quiero.  Cada uno de ustedes... les amo.

Solo queria que supieras esto mama.  Gracias por todo lo que has hecho, por todo lo que haces, y por todo lo que harias y darias por nosotros… por que yo te conozco.  Te amo, y te llevo conmigo en mi corazon y en mi pensamiento.  Para siempre.

Tu hija,

Tita

Fate

Fate

I believe in fate.  I believe we cross paths with people we're meant to meet.  I believe fate plays a role in our life, but I also believe it only leads us certain ways… to have us then make choices.  It's not just about fate.  They say that everything has been written; It's not that we're controlled… it just means that we are known.  The choices we will make are known to Him who created us.  Fate is nothing we can control, but our destiny is the outcome of the decisions that we make after we aknowledge where fate has brought us.  Destiny is where we are led after we make a choice.  We choose what we will live, we have that power.  We can let others influence, or not.  We can many times forget what brought us to where we are, but the choices that we make today are the roads that will lead us to where we will be tomorrow.  We might not remember, we might have chosen to forget, but the choices we made yesterday, are what led us to where we stand now.  I believe in fate… I believe things happen for a reason.  I believe we have so much to do with our destiny.  I believe we choose our paths.  I believe we have the power to control our destiny.  I believe in love, I believe in peace.  I am perhaps vulnerable…  but someone once said "There is strength through vulnerability."  Those of us who put our heart on the table, those of us who perhaps are idealists in  life, those of us who dream, those of us who are optimists… we can indeed be vulnerable to the pain of reality, but if we never dream, we will never achieve.  If we never love, we will never find peace.  If we never risk, we will never win.  If we never let people into our hearts again, we will never understand the true meaning of love.  If we accept reality, and the world as it is today, then we lack hope; we settle in the worst.  We stop doing the right thing.  We give up.  We choose what's easy versus what's right.  Then we will indeed lose.  I believe in fate, I believe in the power of our choices,  I believe we control our destiny, I believe in true love, I believe in hope, and I believe in peace.  I believe things are meant always to be.