Bleeding You

I've walked the walk so many times before 

but the more I walk the more I lose myself

Like a sunflower turns towards those rays

My soul longs for yours despite this pain

I've cried the tears I thought I owed 

But I've failed to figure out why I'm not done 

My wrists still bleed you and I don't understand

Why my efforts to remain are all in vain 

I find myself in this familiar place 

Where either hell or Happiness await

If I must chose a long and narrow path 

I'd chose again what leads me to your arms 

Your words are darts my heart attests 

But I can't blame you for hating me this way 

I've stolen something precious something that can't be replaced

My love's a greedy chain you can't escape 

Why I think "Loving Too Deeply" is Bullshit

Why I think “Loving Too Deeply” is Bullshit

We like to say “oh, well, I’m one of those people who loves too deeply.”  Yep, I know I’m one of those people.  We say it with a sense of pride like it’s the most amazing trait about ourselves.  Like our way to love is so special, and people should hold onto us for dear life because we love too deeply and we’re pretty much the shit.  All bullshit really.

First of all, what does loving deeply really mean?  Hmm… It only means that we put those we “love” first in an obsessive way.  It means that we are self-sacrificing to the tenth degree.  It may also mean that we are a little more dramatic than the average human being.  It means we don’t have enough things going on in our personal lives so we make someone the center of it.  Ultimately, what I think it really means is, we hurt ourselves too deeply.  We expect too much.  Not saying having high expectations is a bad thing, but when it comes to love reciprocity and the all-or-nothing type of mentality… we are selfish and unreasonable. 

Professing our oh-so-deep love for others is a controlling way to love.  It’s telling them, “you better appreciate me because the way I love is too special.  Not many people will love you like I do.  Better love me back the same,”  Isn’t that extremely rude to say?  How controlling can we get, seriously.  I love deeply and you don’t, or she doesn’t… blah blah blah…  So rude.  

Love is love.  You either love someone or you don’t.  If you love someone you will allow them to be themselves, it will be unconditional, it will be a liberating feeling, it will build you up, it will build the other person up.   It will allow the other person the freedom to change, to transform, to chose the way they express their love to you however they please.  And you’ll be okay because the little things, the big things… everything matters.  If you’re sitting there waiting for majestic “I love you too deep” manifestations of love, you’re bound to feel miserable and unloved.  

If your way to love consists of a constant evaluation of how reciprocated your “love” is, then it may not be love, but just plain infatuation.

Let’s stop “hurting” ourselves too deeply by having all these crazy expectations and obsessive-compulsive behaviors towards the person we love.  

Self-love will really be the key to learning how to let go of obsessive thoughts towards another person.  Let them be.  Love yourself and have your own life (hobbies, passions, friends, ideals, motives, goals, dreams, etc).  Let your world revolve around yourself and not another person.  And I mean that in a good way, not in an egocentric way.   Let them love you the way they want to love you, and stop trying to tell them how.  You can’t teach someone how to love you.  And if you had to, would that even feel real?  

not for me

There's a constant prayer in my heart
I'm hoping it can reach the sky
I pray that I can just let go
Forgive myself and just move on
All these thoughts have crushed my soul
But This won't mean I've given up
There's some steps we all must take
To reach that place in which we're meant to dwell
My eyes have seen enough
My heart has felt way too much
I seek a promised peace and
If what we give is what we get
I must learn this is just not for me

Nothing

Like the moons reflection
Freely through the fields
You touch every last corner of my soul
Whether that's good or bad
I may just never know
Your light shines bright
While mine dims slow
In the stillness of our nothingness
I see myself decaying
If only I could save us
From all the pain that's pending

Trapped

I am drowning in an ocean of lust and anger
Your presence is intoxicatingly annoying now
You dance around me with a smirk knowing damn well that I am burning inside
I know this is your subconscious way of punishing me
Punishing me for perhaps you would consider me winning
But I'm dying, I have nothing to claim here
This is not my territory
Not my home
And even if I hang my artwork on your walls
These very walls are a new debilitating prison
I can still touch you
But you seem unmoved
I can still feel the blood inside me scratching my veins
I can feel my body hating me for torturing it like that
And there's nothing I can do

My Biggest Blessing

He says, they say
no pain no gain
God, would I know
That's how
My biggest blessing came

From the worlds worst -pain-
I wouldn't trade it for the world though
That moment when
They put you in my arms
You are My world now

As if I knew what to do
They just handed you over
Boy, I had no clue
What was I doing?

still in so much pain, until
I felt your tiny body
They put you on my chest
My precious baby -Dominic-

You stretched your arms
Opened your big bright eyes
And just like that
The pain I felt was over

You looked into my eyes
I swear I was in heaven
And suddenly I seem to figure it all out
This meant forever

From now on you're first
I swear to always have your back
Even if it means I must go
To hell and back

From the worlds worst -pain-
I would never back down
If you were the prize
I'd do it a million times over

My Grape Sized baby

I wake up every day thinking of you, and when I go to sleep, the last thought on my mind is you.  I touch my belly to feel you, and although it's too soon I know you're there.  I know it's crazy to believe that I can already love you so much, this is the type of love I've always longed for.  I know you will forever change my life, and knowing I"m here to make yours better will always make me feel alright. You are my purpose, my dream come true.  I feel so special to be able to experience this.  I no longer care about what seemed to be my problems before, you've turned my world upside down, in an amazing way.  You're all I care about and what I love most.  Your presence in y life is welcome in a way I can't express.  I promise to always consider your needs before my own, always think of you and how every decision I make could affect you.  I promise to love you forever, to protect you, to teach you to be an amazing human being, to be respectful, to choose the right, to love others deeply and show compassion, to be selfless but always love yourself and also put yourself first.  I will play with you, and read to you, and teach you things I know.  I promise to make your development my priority.  I promise to guard your health.  I promise to always be here for you, not as your best friend, but as your loving mom.  You are my world now, and no other human being could come in between this bond of ours.  I am your protector.  I will defend your life and your wellness above everything.  I love you my little grape sized baby.

Written on 1/31/16.